I don't know.

My Sweet Alena and Jamie,

Today was a slow starting, too long of a day. I woke up ok, but after that just kind of zoned out into my own little world of you two. I'm sure you were probably not happy with me today, i was really sad and took a couple of steps back. Some days are better then others, but today really wasn't one of them. I miss you so much, and i don't even get to see you to tell you that. That sounds really weird and messed up in some way, but if i could just see you to tell you anything, anything at all.. I just need to see you, in some way. In my dreams, in a vision.. something. It just hurts. Thats the only way to describe losing a child, losing your children. Losing your precious baby girl twins, your firstborns..

I'm crying writing you this tonight, i just want you here. I need you here. Please God, i need your help tonight. You sweet girls, i don't understand why i lost you, why we lost you. Why you had to go.. Why we had to let you go. Sometimes i cant help but go back to the day you were born, all the craziness and horribleness of it all. I cant believe i actually went through labor, that it all happened, that you are gone and this is the way it is now. My heart aches everyday, i literally feel like its breaking, and you know what? I don't know if it will ever be ok again.. 

I told your Aunt Ashley that sometimes i wish i could just die in my sleep. That it gets to be too much, that i just miss you so much i want to be with you.. i just want us to be together. Thats selfish though, and i cant be like that., not to your daddy and your family. I hold on to the knowing that we will be together when we are supposed too, even though i feel we should have never had to experience being apart. A mother and her babies, a mother and her sweet angels.

I'm trying to hold on to hope, hold on to faith. That God has such a bigger plan for you, that you were too special, too beautiful, too amazing for this Earth. Maybe you were even too special for us to get to cherish, that you were always meant to be angels.. i dont know. I do know that you are loved so very much, so many people loved you before you were even born. You've always been special Alena and Jamie, and you will forever be. 

This grieving process is gruesome, mind & body numbing and endless. I just want you here, i would do ANYTHING for you to be here, i would give up my life for you to be here with your daddy, your grandpas and grandmas, your aunts and uncles. Everyone misses and loves you so much , including me X a million. 

Sweet angels, this momma is nothing without you, an empty shell, a wanderer. Please help me to get stronger for you, to give you someone to be proud of , to make you smile. I love you both so much, i wont ever stop loving you. My life has forever changed because of you two, and im so thankful and blessed to be your mom.

I love you beautiful girls. Goodnight.


" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as im living 
My babies you'll be.."