Angels

Hey Sweet Girls,

Today was another crappy day.. literally. I thought i was going to have to go back to ER today, haven't been feeling well at all for a couple of days and it got really bad last night. Luckily it seems we might be in there clear, im just hoping everything is ok.. we are not in any way shape or form ready for anymore surprises or bad news.

Anyway, wasn't much of an interesting day today. Daddy has finished staining the mantel and your shadow box we did some rearranging on. He said he's not sure if all this stuff is hurting us and making us more sad...  I don't really think it makes a difference at this point girls.. Just going to be sad and in pain every day.

I made the decision to contact my clients and let them know i am coming back to work next week. I am a little freaked out/ scared? Not sure how am i going to be around people, around my coworkers.. not even sure how i am going to be around myself if that makes any sense.. I have been not working for almost 7 weeks now, haven't really made any contact with anyone outside of family. Throwing myself back into the work place .. i don't know if i have a choice anymore. I guess i have to try to have some normalcy.. if that is even possible at all after all this. I just wake up & try to do something, try to be myself. I don't even know who i am or how im supposed to act anymore. Losing you has made me lose myself, and i don't know if i want to find me again..

I know this isn't how you would want me to be spending my days, or writing about in your letters/blog.  This isn't who you want me to be. I'm sorry, just another way of letting you down girls. 

I am sorry, i really truly am. I wonder if i will forever feel like i somehow failed you both, let you down. I want you to know i thought i was doing everything i could, i would've done a million more things, i dont care what it would have been, it would have been for you two..and you are all that matters.. 

I love you both, I love you Alena and Jamie my sweet baby girls. I miss you so much, so so much. Remember that, angels.


" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as im living
My babies you'll be.."

Goodnight Loves.