Mommy had her post op appt today, and I'm ok. I'm glad I'm healthy and things are ok, but right now I'm not my own biggest fan. I found out more information about why we lost you, and it just makes me want to blame myself more. As much as the doctors and everybody keeps saying its not my fault and I couldn't have done anymore, I feel I will forever feel like I could have done more, and that it is my fault. I hope I can eventually know in my heart that i did all I could , but right now I'm just upset with myself. I love you girls and I shouldn't have let you go without me.. Does that sound horrible and selfish?
I don't think I'm depressed. I get up, get ready, go to work and sleep ok for the most part. But I, sad and hurt, and mad, and upset and lost.. Broken without you girls. I miss you both so much, and think about you all the time. I feel I'm taking 2 steps back again, hurt and angry and devastated all over, but I guess this is the way things are now.
The doctors have been nice and supportive, and I guess we just pray to grow stronger in our faith and as a family. All I'm asking for is strength, because right now I'm at the lowest point I have ever been at, and I don't know how to get back up.. And don't know if I can.
I'm so sorry for being so depressed again.. I write these blogs to tell you how much I love you and how you two are my life, my whole life . Just always know that, ok? Don't ever ever forget how much this mommy loves you... Ever. You have half of my heart. " I'll hold you in my head until I hold you in heaven. "
I love ou baby girls, goodnight .
Miss you
Xoxo mommy
" I'll love ou forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.. "
I love you
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