I'll always be with you.

Hello my loves,

Well, your daddy and I went to church today, overall we haven't been to church in 7 weeks because of everything, and its been 4 since your memorial. It was different. I wanted to cry walking in because all i could do was look at the front of the church and see the setup for your urn. I don't know how i feel about church right now, I don't know if that's what i mean, but i don't feel the same right now. When i pray, when i sings the songs, when i'm there, i just feel.. nothing. I'm not trying to say i don't believe anymore, but i can tell my faith is severely broken right now, i'm hanging on. Maybe its me, that i'm just not trying as much as i should, but honestly right now, i don't think i want/can. Everyone says its going to take time, it will get better, blah blah.. Its all the same. I believe yes in time things will not hurt as bad, but its also because i will be closer to seeing you, every day is closer. That sounds so morbid and horrible, but you are my babies, my children, and we are supposed to be together and i pray, i hope, i believe we will be together one day.

You are our daughters, our beautiful miracles. Daddy prayed tonight at dinner, he's getting very good at it, and he said thank you.. thank you for the time we had with you.. He's right. I need to be thanking God every day for that, that i was blessed with being your mom, for getting to hold you, see your faces, feel you grow stronger inside of me. You are blessings, and i was chosen to hold you for that short while, and even though i will forever be mad, hurt and angry you were taken, i will be thankful that it was ME , i got to be your mom and someday i will hold you again, in my arms. Thank you for picking me, for being my girls, for letting me get to be your mom.

I want to grow stronger in my faith, because i know it will bring me closer to you & it will help me, help us, give us some closure, some peace ( if that is possible). I feel it will come eventually, i just look/ want strong signs. I want to see you in my dreams, i want to feel you close, i want an epiphany i guess.. i need something. But that's not life is it? It doesn't usually happen like that.. I felt a lot stronger when you were here, when i had to be for you. Daddy says i still need to be, that i am, but honestly girls, i'm not. I did what i did because it was for YOU, i had to for you. I would have never second guessed anything you would have needed, no matter what it did to me, because YOU two needed it. Grandma says that's because i am a mom, and that's what moms do, and i guess that's it. But to me it was just a second nature, because everything i ate, felt, thought or did, you felt too.. and you are my first priority.. Always will be. Without you here, whats the point of being strong anymore. Daddy is strong, he can handle it, he is going to be ok and i'm so thankful he is so strong, he needs that.

I love you, and i miss you. I say this so many times, and i will always. I can't tell you enough.. just like i can't tell you enough how sorry i am, for everything. I hope you can forgive me, and just remember how much i love you sweet girls, my Alena and Jamie..

I will say good night now, and wish i could kiss you and rock you to sleep.. I LOVE YOU BOTH SO MUCH.


" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as im living 
My Babies you'll be.."