Hey beautifuls ,
Today was mummy's birthday. I am now 23. Yesterday was supposed to be 28 weeks and counting with you. It made me sad to celebrate another one of my birthdays when you haven't even celebrated one. Your grandma got mad at me today and said one birthday doesn't replace the other.. I guess that's the way I really need to look at it.
It was an ok day, didn't do much, well because I wasn't sure I was going to want too. It's ok though. I missed you a lot today because the day would have been perfect if we were all celebrating it together.. I like to think we were..Just in a different way..
I miss you both a lot, and love you even more. Think about you often, and wear my memorial jewelry of you every.single.day.
Always remember and know my love for you girls, it grows more stronger every day ..
I love you baby girls. Goodnight
Xoxo mommy
" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.. "
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Miss you.
Goodnight my sweet girls, mommy loves and misses you a lot..
I love you baby girls, always remember and know that. You are forever in my heart, and hold on to my other half for me.
Xoxo mommy
" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."
I love you baby girls, always remember and know that. You are forever in my heart, and hold on to my other half for me.
Xoxo mommy
" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Another day
To my sweet girls,
Today was another day , it was okay. The days are getting a little easier, but still won't ever be the same , or even normal. This is our new normal, and I just have to accept it. I can put on a strong face at work, and keep a smile on for my clients, but it's not what it is. I have to be that way because of them, and maybe it's a good thing.. Maybe it helps me grow a little but stronger everyday.. Who knows.. All I know is I love and miss you both so much, and hate that this is how we end our nights.. I write you a note, we stand at your urn and say goodnight and blow our the candle.. But I do love you both so much, and try to do as much as i can to show you I really truly mean that, and always want you to know.
I love you sweet girls.. I love you so much and miss you.
Goodnight xoxo mommy
" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."
Today was another day , it was okay. The days are getting a little easier, but still won't ever be the same , or even normal. This is our new normal, and I just have to accept it. I can put on a strong face at work, and keep a smile on for my clients, but it's not what it is. I have to be that way because of them, and maybe it's a good thing.. Maybe it helps me grow a little but stronger everyday.. Who knows.. All I know is I love and miss you both so much, and hate that this is how we end our nights.. I write you a note, we stand at your urn and say goodnight and blow our the candle.. But I do love you both so much, and try to do as much as i can to show you I really truly mean that, and always want you to know.
I love you sweet girls.. I love you so much and miss you.
Goodnight xoxo mommy
" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."
Monday, February 25, 2013
Being thankful.
Hey baby loves,
Today I was reminded how much I need to thankful for, how much I take for granted..,a very special friend of mine I battling a horrible disease, and it may eventually make her forget her family, forget her children... And I cried for her, she cried for me.. We cried together.
We shared our stories of heartache & pain, and worry and doubt. It was so sad,but she is such a wonderful person I felt that I could share you and our journey together with her. I cried so hard while foiling her hair, and she got up in the middle of it and hugged me really hard and asked God to put a healing hand on me, and help me. She is such a strong and admirable woman, keeping such a strong faith through all that she has and is going through.. I want to be like that.
I AM thankful , you two are blessings for me, for your daddy, for your family. I will never be ok or feel it is right that we lost you, that you left too early, and that we got cheated of our time with you.. But I DID get time with you. I got to watch you grow, felt you move and roll over, see you wave hi to me on the u/s screens, and feel my love and heart grow stronger and bigger every single minute with you two.
I hope to be a good person, to live a good life for you two to be proud of . I have a long way To go, and I still wake up and go to bed every night not knowing how I'm going to face another day without you.. But I won't forget you, I won't lose the memories of you two.. And that, i will forever be thankful for. Because those memories are cherished more then you will ever know..
I love you my sweet angels, my beautiful girls.. I miss you so much, so much, and love you even more.
Goodnight babies, xoxo mommy
" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."
Today I was reminded how much I need to thankful for, how much I take for granted..,a very special friend of mine I battling a horrible disease, and it may eventually make her forget her family, forget her children... And I cried for her, she cried for me.. We cried together.
We shared our stories of heartache & pain, and worry and doubt. It was so sad,but she is such a wonderful person I felt that I could share you and our journey together with her. I cried so hard while foiling her hair, and she got up in the middle of it and hugged me really hard and asked God to put a healing hand on me, and help me. She is such a strong and admirable woman, keeping such a strong faith through all that she has and is going through.. I want to be like that.
I AM thankful , you two are blessings for me, for your daddy, for your family. I will never be ok or feel it is right that we lost you, that you left too early, and that we got cheated of our time with you.. But I DID get time with you. I got to watch you grow, felt you move and roll over, see you wave hi to me on the u/s screens, and feel my love and heart grow stronger and bigger every single minute with you two.
I hope to be a good person, to live a good life for you two to be proud of . I have a long way To go, and I still wake up and go to bed every night not knowing how I'm going to face another day without you.. But I won't forget you, I won't lose the memories of you two.. And that, i will forever be thankful for. Because those memories are cherished more then you will ever know..
I love you my sweet angels, my beautiful girls.. I miss you so much, so much, and love you even more.
Goodnight babies, xoxo mommy
" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."
Sunday, February 24, 2013
I love you baby girls ..
Hey babies,
Tonight your aunt Emmy brought me over a journal to write in.she wrote quotes and saying and bible verses in it. She told me it was to be used for only good positive thoughts, a way to document what I was / am thankful for. I started it tonight. Hopefully it will help. You two will be in every single post.. Every one.
I love you both so much, and miss you Even more the yesterday..
I love you Alena. I love you Jamie.
Xoxoxox mommy
" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."
Tonight your aunt Emmy brought me over a journal to write in.she wrote quotes and saying and bible verses in it. She told me it was to be used for only good positive thoughts, a way to document what I was / am thankful for. I started it tonight. Hopefully it will help. You two will be in every single post.. Every one.
I love you both so much, and miss you Even more the yesterday..
I love you Alena. I love you Jamie.
Xoxoxox mommy
" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Hey loves,
Your aunts are visiting us for the weekend. Today we went to a movie, well actually 2 and then went out to dinner. It has been nice spending time with them, I wasn't sure how this weekend would go since the last couple of days have been real crappy, but it's been nice.
I'm still In this lost phase, that some days I don't know what I'm doing of where I'm going, just kinda here I guess..
It's hard to write to you both sometimes, I wish I was just spending all my days with you and we were doing everything together, but I don't get that luxury with you girls. I have to talk to you different ways..
I love you both so much, and miss you so so much. Everyday is just a reminder that you are there, and I'm here . I'm so much more thankful that you are in a batter place, because this world is too cruel for you two beautiful precious girls..
Momma loves you, loves you SO much. Miss you baby girls.
Xoxo mommy
" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be .."
Your aunts are visiting us for the weekend. Today we went to a movie, well actually 2 and then went out to dinner. It has been nice spending time with them, I wasn't sure how this weekend would go since the last couple of days have been real crappy, but it's been nice.
I'm still In this lost phase, that some days I don't know what I'm doing of where I'm going, just kinda here I guess..
It's hard to write to you both sometimes, I wish I was just spending all my days with you and we were doing everything together, but I don't get that luxury with you girls. I have to talk to you different ways..
I love you both so much, and miss you so so much. Everyday is just a reminder that you are there, and I'm here . I'm so much more thankful that you are in a batter place, because this world is too cruel for you two beautiful precious girls..
Momma loves you, loves you SO much. Miss you baby girls.
Xoxo mommy
" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be .."
Friday, February 22, 2013
Short.
Hey beautifuls,
Today daddy got some of the memorial tattoo started. It's pretty.
I just wanted to write and say goodnight and how much I love you and miss you.. Which is more then you'll ever know. I love you my sweet Alena and Jamie , oh how I love you..
Xoxo mommy
" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.. "
Today daddy got some of the memorial tattoo started. It's pretty.
I just wanted to write and say goodnight and how much I love you and miss you.. Which is more then you'll ever know. I love you my sweet Alena and Jamie , oh how I love you..
Xoxo mommy
" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.. "
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Hard day ..
Hey love bugs.
Today was not all that great, had to share our story with more people and it felt like a lot today . But like I told mom you two deserve to be shared with the world, and I will do that as much as I can. You are amazing beautiful girls and I want the world to know that. Right now it just is so hard to talk about you still.. But one day It won't be so hard.. I hope.
I couldn't go to the other support group tonight.. It was at the hospital and I can't do that yet, I can't go back. I think I almost made myself have a panic attack..
I love you both so much, and while days are getting a little better, it's still so hard and so much and bad days still happen. I will continue to pray for a stronger faith to be strong for you two to see, not crying all the time..
Goodnight my beautiful sweethearts. Don't EVER forget how much I love you and miss you two, you are my world.. My everything. Love you Alena and Jamie, my girls.
Xoxo mommy
" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as im living
My babies you'll be.."
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Doctors appt,
Hey pretty girls,
Mommy had her post op appt today, and I'm ok. I'm glad I'm healthy and things are ok, but right now I'm not my own biggest fan. I found out more information about why we lost you, and it just makes me want to blame myself more. As much as the doctors and everybody keeps saying its not my fault and I couldn't have done anymore, I feel I will forever feel like I could have done more, and that it is my fault. I hope I can eventually know in my heart that i did all I could , but right now I'm just upset with myself. I love you girls and I shouldn't have let you go without me.. Does that sound horrible and selfish?
I don't think I'm depressed. I get up, get ready, go to work and sleep ok for the most part. But I, sad and hurt, and mad, and upset and lost.. Broken without you girls. I miss you both so much, and think about you all the time. I feel I'm taking 2 steps back again, hurt and angry and devastated all over, but I guess this is the way things are now.
The doctors have been nice and supportive, and I guess we just pray to grow stronger in our faith and as a family. All I'm asking for is strength, because right now I'm at the lowest point I have ever been at, and I don't know how to get back up.. And don't know if I can.
I'm so sorry for being so depressed again.. I write these blogs to tell you how much I love you and how you two are my life, my whole life . Just always know that, ok? Don't ever ever forget how much this mommy loves you... Ever. You have half of my heart. " I'll hold you in my head until I hold you in heaven. "
I love ou baby girls, goodnight .
Miss you
Xoxo mommy
" I'll love ou forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.. "
I love you
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Support group help
Hey love bugs,
Tonight daddy I went to our first support group meeting, it was in Greenville. I've been wanting to do this for a while, but was terrified as to how this would go. I knew it would be hard and it would be sad.. It was. We went around introducing ourselves and telling our stories, well what we wanted to share anyway. When it got to us, I cried talking about you.. Actually every time I said anything about you I cried. It was nice to get to talk about you though, it felt good to share you with people who understand and know what this is like, this unreal pain and hurt and guilt and sadness. Although it makes me so sad so many people have had so many losses and know this pain , I wish no one had to feel it..
We stayed and talked with some people and I feel like this is going to be good for us, for our family.. I really hope so girls. We need something.
I feel hopeful, that we are going to be ok.. Although I don't feel that way everyday, I guess it's a start right? I miss you both so much, and I love you even more. I'm so thankful and grateful for this memorial jewelry I have for you two girls, I wear it all everyday. The ladies there loved the necklace your aunts made me for you two . It makes me feel like a part of you is always with me, although you always will be because you are my heart.
I hope we can get through this, I hope I can do this. Life has been so unfair, and so hard on us, but I'm thankful you will never feel this pain or this suffering. You will only know happiness and good things, and I'm so glad . You only deserve good things, always.
I love you girls, so very much, always and forever .
Xoxo mommy
" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."
Goodnight babies..
Tonight daddy I went to our first support group meeting, it was in Greenville. I've been wanting to do this for a while, but was terrified as to how this would go. I knew it would be hard and it would be sad.. It was. We went around introducing ourselves and telling our stories, well what we wanted to share anyway. When it got to us, I cried talking about you.. Actually every time I said anything about you I cried. It was nice to get to talk about you though, it felt good to share you with people who understand and know what this is like, this unreal pain and hurt and guilt and sadness. Although it makes me so sad so many people have had so many losses and know this pain , I wish no one had to feel it..
We stayed and talked with some people and I feel like this is going to be good for us, for our family.. I really hope so girls. We need something.
I feel hopeful, that we are going to be ok.. Although I don't feel that way everyday, I guess it's a start right? I miss you both so much, and I love you even more. I'm so thankful and grateful for this memorial jewelry I have for you two girls, I wear it all everyday. The ladies there loved the necklace your aunts made me for you two . It makes me feel like a part of you is always with me, although you always will be because you are my heart.
I hope we can get through this, I hope I can do this. Life has been so unfair, and so hard on us, but I'm thankful you will never feel this pain or this suffering. You will only know happiness and good things, and I'm so glad . You only deserve good things, always.
I love you girls, so very much, always and forever .
Xoxo mommy
" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."
Goodnight babies..
Monday, February 18, 2013
Iloveyou.
Hey sweet peas.
Today was not okay, but I hope you would be proud of me how I handled things. I try to just block certain things out while I'm at work,
Maybe that's how I get through this stuff.. Well sometimes at least.
Daddy and I picked up the furniture today'.. We has no idea how to arrange it yet , we are weirdos I know. I'm so tired I don't care what it looks like right now.
We are attending our first support group meeting tomorrow.. I'm really worried about how it's going to go , about how I'm going to react and how I'm going to feel.
I'm hoping it helps us somehow through this, help me find my faith again..help me believe you were needed more elsewhere then here with us.. I'm just hoping.
I miss you both so much. I really do girls, I wish I was still getting kicked and feeling you roll over. I never even got to feel you get
Hiccups and I was SO excited for that..
I'm never goin to be able to explain how sorry I am, and how much it hurts me everyday when I wake up and you two are not here . I was looking forward so much to being your mommy and taking care of you and raising you and being your strength and best friend.. I'm sorry babies..
Goodnight my sweet angels. I hope everything you have ever wished for is yours...
Love you baby dolls. Xoxo,love mommy
" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.. "
Today was not okay, but I hope you would be proud of me how I handled things. I try to just block certain things out while I'm at work,
Maybe that's how I get through this stuff.. Well sometimes at least.
Daddy and I picked up the furniture today'.. We has no idea how to arrange it yet , we are weirdos I know. I'm so tired I don't care what it looks like right now.
We are attending our first support group meeting tomorrow.. I'm really worried about how it's going to go , about how I'm going to react and how I'm going to feel.
I'm hoping it helps us somehow through this, help me find my faith again..help me believe you were needed more elsewhere then here with us.. I'm just hoping.
I miss you both so much. I really do girls, I wish I was still getting kicked and feeling you roll over. I never even got to feel you get
Hiccups and I was SO excited for that..
I'm never goin to be able to explain how sorry I am, and how much it hurts me everyday when I wake up and you two are not here . I was looking forward so much to being your mommy and taking care of you and raising you and being your strength and best friend.. I'm sorry babies..
Goodnight my sweet angels. I hope everything you have ever wished for is yours...
Love you baby dolls. Xoxo,love mommy
" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.. "
Sunday, February 17, 2013
New Things.
Hey you beautiful girls,
Today daddy and i decided finally it was time to get a new living room set. We have known for a while the sectional was too big for our living room, but we were holding out seeing as we were expecting you two and i wanted to spend all our money on baby things for you ..
i guess maybe we just needed something to do today.
Its going to look nice, im glad we found something we both liked. Its not what i was wanting to be buying at this time, but its what ive got. Aunt Emily went with us and it was nice to spend the day with her.
We got home and forgot to get mail yesterday. Your cousin Sammy and family sent us beautiful keepsakes: for daddy- an engraved keychain with two sets of tiny footprints an "everlasting love." for mommy- a pandora bracelet with "forget me knots" and everlasting love charms.. very beautiful, made me cry.
It got me thinking about how lucky we are to be surrounded by so much love, when many aren't. That so many people are thinking of us and praying for us, how lucky are we to have that? I dont feel lucky many days, really never, but it made me think that i should be more thankful for all these wonderful people in our lives. They all have SO much love for you girls, so so much, and it makes my heart happy to think about all that love you and think about you and miss you so.. You two little angels are very very very loved, and i know there is no way you couldn't be. You girls mean the world to so much, and i so hope and pray you can feel all the love for you two, you deserve it all.
I Miss you so, and i love you even more. You are on my mind all the time baby girls.. mommy loves you, and so does daddy. I know i am consistently writing that i love you , but everyone does, really.
Goodnight my sweet angels. I pray i dream of you. I love you so much, and miss you.
XOXOXO Mommy
" Ill love you forever
Ill like you for always
As long as im living
My babies youll be .. "
Today daddy and i decided finally it was time to get a new living room set. We have known for a while the sectional was too big for our living room, but we were holding out seeing as we were expecting you two and i wanted to spend all our money on baby things for you ..
i guess maybe we just needed something to do today.
Its going to look nice, im glad we found something we both liked. Its not what i was wanting to be buying at this time, but its what ive got. Aunt Emily went with us and it was nice to spend the day with her.
We got home and forgot to get mail yesterday. Your cousin Sammy and family sent us beautiful keepsakes: for daddy- an engraved keychain with two sets of tiny footprints an "everlasting love." for mommy- a pandora bracelet with "forget me knots" and everlasting love charms.. very beautiful, made me cry.
It got me thinking about how lucky we are to be surrounded by so much love, when many aren't. That so many people are thinking of us and praying for us, how lucky are we to have that? I dont feel lucky many days, really never, but it made me think that i should be more thankful for all these wonderful people in our lives. They all have SO much love for you girls, so so much, and it makes my heart happy to think about all that love you and think about you and miss you so.. You two little angels are very very very loved, and i know there is no way you couldn't be. You girls mean the world to so much, and i so hope and pray you can feel all the love for you two, you deserve it all.
I Miss you so, and i love you even more. You are on my mind all the time baby girls.. mommy loves you, and so does daddy. I know i am consistently writing that i love you , but everyone does, really.
Goodnight my sweet angels. I pray i dream of you. I love you so much, and miss you.
XOXOXO Mommy
" Ill love you forever
Ill like you for always
As long as im living
My babies youll be .. "
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Hey babies,
Mommy worked all day today, kept me busy. Daddy and aunt Emily went over to get designs and drawings for their memorial tattoos of you two.. I think they are going to turn out perfect. I want to get one but I have to find the perfect one for you girls..
I miss you a lot . And I love you even more. I just want to say goodnight, it's late but maybe I'll be able to get up and go to church tomorrow ..
I love you. Sweet dreams angels. Xoxo
Miss you both.
" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be .."
Mommy worked all day today, kept me busy. Daddy and aunt Emily went over to get designs and drawings for their memorial tattoos of you two.. I think they are going to turn out perfect. I want to get one but I have to find the perfect one for you girls..
I miss you a lot . And I love you even more. I just want to say goodnight, it's late but maybe I'll be able to get up and go to church tomorrow ..
I love you. Sweet dreams angels. Xoxo
Miss you both.
" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be .."
Friday, February 15, 2013
I missyoutwo.
Hey baby dolls,
Today was a long day at work today, tomorrow is going to be a long one too. I need to head to bed, I am one tired lady.
I can't stop feeling that its wrong to laugh, it's wrong to smile, it's wrong to feel ok. I feel horrible when I laugh at work or smile around the girls or my clients, afterwards I wonder what they think bout me.. How can she laugh and smile and act like its all ok?? I feel the same, how can I act like that.. It's NOT OK IT'S NOT ANYMORE!!!'
A huge part of me has died along with you to.. That is such a mortifying sentence to write, but it's the truth. I'll always be broken without you.
I'm thankful for my family, and James family, and your daddy girls, they are so supportive and are always here for us. I understand everyone wants us to be ok and know it will get better, but whatever. I mean I believe , well, maybe the pain will ease sometime, but I don't think anytime soon.
I know i said im struggling with my faith right now, but girls, your grandpa really is. Please help him, look out for him, put in a special word for him.. My heart hurts that he is feeling lost too. If we have to find our way back together, then we will. But please don't let him lose sight, don't let him be so angry .. Let him believe and know you are ok, that you are in a better place. I am hurt and angry everyday, but I don't want everyone to feel this way. I don't want to feel like this forever too, but help him.. Please help us , please help your grandpa..
I miss you both so much. I'm SO ANGRY , I'm so hurt. I had a client today am if she could pray for me and I told her yes, that I need all the prayers I can get. Idk what to do anymore, I feel like I'm waiting for this huge sign from God to let me know he is here, he is wit us. But right now I just feel Kim we have been abandoned, and that hurts. I'd like to hope that we haven't been but idk..
I hope you know how much I love you .. You better, I tell you everyday all day. I miss you, I miss you two beautiful girls so much more then you will ever know.. Love you..
Goodnight love bugs, mommy and daddy love you so much.. Xoxo
" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be .."
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Valentines day
Happy valentines day sweethearts,
Daddy and I stayed home. I made us dinner and chocolate covered strawberries. It was.. Nice. We stayed in and I was glad. Then we ended up watching vampire diaries. Nothing special , we stayed in with you two.
I think I'm doing ok, right now at least. I cried a little earlier, missed you so much, and when I was talking to aunt Teresa about you. I miss you so much, and can't talk very much about you before I start crying.. It just gets very hard very fast.
The girls at the salon all went in and got us a gift card to the grove park inn, it was so sweet it made me tear up. I can't believe how lucky I am to have found such a great place to work with such a supportive group of women. I don't think I would be working right now or wanted to return if it wasn't with them. Work is hard enough right now, I am able to keep a smile on and talk with customers, it's easier to do that with them. I guess I am just faking till I make it, if I ever make it.
We are trying girls, really are. I don't understand life without you now, and can't believe we don't have you here. Everyday I will be asking why . I love you .
I'm still struggling with faith right now. I know it's not but I feel God has forgotten about us, and given up on me. I hope he hasn't, but I feel he has.. Idk anymore.
I do know, and always will know that I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU MORE AND MORE .
I love you, I love you Alena and Jamie my sweet beautiful girls, mommy loves you.
Goodnight love bugs xoxo
" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be "
Daddy and I stayed home. I made us dinner and chocolate covered strawberries. It was.. Nice. We stayed in and I was glad. Then we ended up watching vampire diaries. Nothing special , we stayed in with you two.
I think I'm doing ok, right now at least. I cried a little earlier, missed you so much, and when I was talking to aunt Teresa about you. I miss you so much, and can't talk very much about you before I start crying.. It just gets very hard very fast.
The girls at the salon all went in and got us a gift card to the grove park inn, it was so sweet it made me tear up. I can't believe how lucky I am to have found such a great place to work with such a supportive group of women. I don't think I would be working right now or wanted to return if it wasn't with them. Work is hard enough right now, I am able to keep a smile on and talk with customers, it's easier to do that with them. I guess I am just faking till I make it, if I ever make it.
We are trying girls, really are. I don't understand life without you now, and can't believe we don't have you here. Everyday I will be asking why . I love you .
I'm still struggling with faith right now. I know it's not but I feel God has forgotten about us, and given up on me. I hope he hasn't, but I feel he has.. Idk anymore.
I do know, and always will know that I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU MORE AND MORE .
I love you, I love you Alena and Jamie my sweet beautiful girls, mommy loves you.
Goodnight love bugs xoxo
" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be "
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
One month ,feels like a horrible dream
My angels,
Today marked one month. One month since we said hello, and also goodbye. One month since I gave birth to you girls, and then had to let you go. I miss you so much. We let off balloons for you today. Everyone either wrote letters on them to you. Daddy and I wrote letters and put them in the balloons for you. Oh I wish you get them..
I didn't get ready until 3 today. It wasn't that I necessarily couldn't, I just didn't see what was the point. I just stayed around the house all day until your daddy got home. I took the day off work because I didn't know what the day had in store for me..
We are having a pretty rough time right now. Struggling to keep it together, to help each other through this. I believe we are a strong couple, but right now we are having some pretty hard times. We start our support groups next week, we have one in Greenville and Spartanburg. I hate that they are only once a month, but it's what we have. I'm really hoping girls , that we find some comfort and figure out how the grieving process and taking with other people will help.. Hopefully it will.
I can't tell you enough how much I miss you.. How much I love you.. How much we need you here. Sometimes the days get easier, but mostly they are harder or just the same. This new normal sucks, and I will forever hate it. Why this had to happen and ruin our lives, our plans, our future with you, I just don't know.. We never will ..
We love you girls, we always will. Everyone loves you so much, and I wish you were here to feel all this love. I know you can there, but it's just different.
Goodnight baby dolls, momma loves you and misses you more everyday. Xoxo
" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."
Today marked one month. One month since we said hello, and also goodbye. One month since I gave birth to you girls, and then had to let you go. I miss you so much. We let off balloons for you today. Everyone either wrote letters on them to you. Daddy and I wrote letters and put them in the balloons for you. Oh I wish you get them..
I didn't get ready until 3 today. It wasn't that I necessarily couldn't, I just didn't see what was the point. I just stayed around the house all day until your daddy got home. I took the day off work because I didn't know what the day had in store for me..
We are having a pretty rough time right now. Struggling to keep it together, to help each other through this. I believe we are a strong couple, but right now we are having some pretty hard times. We start our support groups next week, we have one in Greenville and Spartanburg. I hate that they are only once a month, but it's what we have. I'm really hoping girls , that we find some comfort and figure out how the grieving process and taking with other people will help.. Hopefully it will.
I can't tell you enough how much I miss you.. How much I love you.. How much we need you here. Sometimes the days get easier, but mostly they are harder or just the same. This new normal sucks, and I will forever hate it. Why this had to happen and ruin our lives, our plans, our future with you, I just don't know.. We never will ..
We love you girls, we always will. Everyone loves you so much, and I wish you were here to feel all this love. I know you can there, but it's just different.
Goodnight baby dolls, momma loves you and misses you more everyday. Xoxo
" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."
Monday, February 11, 2013
A song
My sweet girls,
Tomorrow marks 1 month since you left us for Heaven. I have decided I wanted to send off balloons in a memorial for you two , I believe it might be at the lake, idk where to do this. I remember everything from the time we left to go to the hospital, till the time we left.. Without you.
Everyday is still a struggle. I agree completely with the support groups.. I'm not the same person anymore, I'm living as a different me now. I'll never be the same, I've got to live with a new sense of normal, whatever that means.. I miss you both so much, I love you..
I'm sure you saw my breakdown last night. I'm sorry girls, but it really gets hard not being with you, and I can't help but want to be with you. I know I shouldn't think the things I do, but it just seems easier, and I'm your mom.. We shouldn't be separated..
There is a song I couldn't get out of my head since the night you were born, well actually sometime after. I really can't remember, forgive me, exactly when it was.. S much was going on. But it's from the movie Three Men and a Baby, and I found it crazy I remembered the lyrics at this time.. And these are the only lyrics I know from it ..
Goodnight Sweetheart, well its time to go
Goodnight Sweetheart, well its time to go
I hate to leave you but i really must say,
Goodnight Sweetheart, Goodnight
Goodnight Sweetheart, well its time to go
I hate to leave you but i really must say,
Goodnight Sweetheart, Goodnight
I kept singing this over and over. But it was you that left me, it was you two who had to leave us. Thank you for gracing us with your sweet precious spirits, and for letting us get to be your parents.
Goodnight sweethearts.. Mommy love you and misses you.. Always. <3
" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."
Sunday, February 10, 2013
I'll always be with you.
Hello my loves,
Well, your daddy and I went to church today, overall we haven't been to church in 7 weeks because of everything, and its been 4 since your memorial. It was different. I wanted to cry walking in because all i could do was look at the front of the church and see the setup for your urn. I don't know how i feel about church right now, I don't know if that's what i mean, but i don't feel the same right now. When i pray, when i sings the songs, when i'm there, i just feel.. nothing. I'm not trying to say i don't believe anymore, but i can tell my faith is severely broken right now, i'm hanging on. Maybe its me, that i'm just not trying as much as i should, but honestly right now, i don't think i want/can. Everyone says its going to take time, it will get better, blah blah.. Its all the same. I believe yes in time things will not hurt as bad, but its also because i will be closer to seeing you, every day is closer. That sounds so morbid and horrible, but you are my babies, my children, and we are supposed to be together and i pray, i hope, i believe we will be together one day.
You are our daughters, our beautiful miracles. Daddy prayed tonight at dinner, he's getting very good at it, and he said thank you.. thank you for the time we had with you.. He's right. I need to be thanking God every day for that, that i was blessed with being your mom, for getting to hold you, see your faces, feel you grow stronger inside of me. You are blessings, and i was chosen to hold you for that short while, and even though i will forever be mad, hurt and angry you were taken, i will be thankful that it was ME , i got to be your mom and someday i will hold you again, in my arms. Thank you for picking me, for being my girls, for letting me get to be your mom.
I want to grow stronger in my faith, because i know it will bring me closer to you & it will help me, help us, give us some closure, some peace ( if that is possible). I feel it will come eventually, i just look/ want strong signs. I want to see you in my dreams, i want to feel you close, i want an epiphany i guess.. i need something. But that's not life is it? It doesn't usually happen like that.. I felt a lot stronger when you were here, when i had to be for you. Daddy says i still need to be, that i am, but honestly girls, i'm not. I did what i did because it was for YOU, i had to for you. I would have never second guessed anything you would have needed, no matter what it did to me, because YOU two needed it. Grandma says that's because i am a mom, and that's what moms do, and i guess that's it. But to me it was just a second nature, because everything i ate, felt, thought or did, you felt too.. and you are my first priority.. Always will be. Without you here, whats the point of being strong anymore. Daddy is strong, he can handle it, he is going to be ok and i'm so thankful he is so strong, he needs that.
I love you, and i miss you. I say this so many times, and i will always. I can't tell you enough.. just like i can't tell you enough how sorry i am, for everything. I hope you can forgive me, and just remember how much i love you sweet girls, my Alena and Jamie..
I will say good night now, and wish i could kiss you and rock you to sleep.. I LOVE YOU BOTH SO MUCH.
" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as im living
My Babies you'll be.."
Well, your daddy and I went to church today, overall we haven't been to church in 7 weeks because of everything, and its been 4 since your memorial. It was different. I wanted to cry walking in because all i could do was look at the front of the church and see the setup for your urn. I don't know how i feel about church right now, I don't know if that's what i mean, but i don't feel the same right now. When i pray, when i sings the songs, when i'm there, i just feel.. nothing. I'm not trying to say i don't believe anymore, but i can tell my faith is severely broken right now, i'm hanging on. Maybe its me, that i'm just not trying as much as i should, but honestly right now, i don't think i want/can. Everyone says its going to take time, it will get better, blah blah.. Its all the same. I believe yes in time things will not hurt as bad, but its also because i will be closer to seeing you, every day is closer. That sounds so morbid and horrible, but you are my babies, my children, and we are supposed to be together and i pray, i hope, i believe we will be together one day.
You are our daughters, our beautiful miracles. Daddy prayed tonight at dinner, he's getting very good at it, and he said thank you.. thank you for the time we had with you.. He's right. I need to be thanking God every day for that, that i was blessed with being your mom, for getting to hold you, see your faces, feel you grow stronger inside of me. You are blessings, and i was chosen to hold you for that short while, and even though i will forever be mad, hurt and angry you were taken, i will be thankful that it was ME , i got to be your mom and someday i will hold you again, in my arms. Thank you for picking me, for being my girls, for letting me get to be your mom.
I want to grow stronger in my faith, because i know it will bring me closer to you & it will help me, help us, give us some closure, some peace ( if that is possible). I feel it will come eventually, i just look/ want strong signs. I want to see you in my dreams, i want to feel you close, i want an epiphany i guess.. i need something. But that's not life is it? It doesn't usually happen like that.. I felt a lot stronger when you were here, when i had to be for you. Daddy says i still need to be, that i am, but honestly girls, i'm not. I did what i did because it was for YOU, i had to for you. I would have never second guessed anything you would have needed, no matter what it did to me, because YOU two needed it. Grandma says that's because i am a mom, and that's what moms do, and i guess that's it. But to me it was just a second nature, because everything i ate, felt, thought or did, you felt too.. and you are my first priority.. Always will be. Without you here, whats the point of being strong anymore. Daddy is strong, he can handle it, he is going to be ok and i'm so thankful he is so strong, he needs that.
I love you, and i miss you. I say this so many times, and i will always. I can't tell you enough.. just like i can't tell you enough how sorry i am, for everything. I hope you can forgive me, and just remember how much i love you sweet girls, my Alena and Jamie..
I will say good night now, and wish i could kiss you and rock you to sleep.. I LOVE YOU BOTH SO MUCH.
" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as im living
My Babies you'll be.."
Saturday, February 9, 2013
4 weeks.
My sweet girls,
Today is 4 weeks since we have said hello.. And goodbye. Today hasn't been the hard day, I've thought about you quite a bit, but I'm expecting this Tuesday, the 12th to be hardest day.
We babysat your cousin delaney tonight. It was really nice to get to have some time with her. When your grandma and aunt Ashley aren't around, she plays with me and uncle Jamey a little more. I cherish the bedtime time with her, because she cuddles and loves you up. Although tonight it was hard, because all I thought about were you two. I love that little girl so much, and I wish I would get to blow bubbles with you, spin and twirl in the kitchen , and pick you up and take you to bed and read bedtime stories too. That's one of the hardest things abut losing your sweet babies, is realizing every day all the dreams and future plans you had for them, disappear right before you, and having to remind yourself of that every day..
Alena and Jamie, I still am so sorry and really can't help but hate myself these days. I can't believe we lost you, I can't believe I lost you, that my baby girls are gone.
I love you, I love you both so much. I miss you, I miss you both so much. Your mommy and daddy miss you and love you so.
Please take care of each other for me, and look out for one another. Don't forget me, don't forget daddy, don't forget your family. Remember and feel every day how much we love you, and how much we miss you.
Goodnight love bugs . I love you
" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I living
My babies you'll be.. "
Today is 4 weeks since we have said hello.. And goodbye. Today hasn't been the hard day, I've thought about you quite a bit, but I'm expecting this Tuesday, the 12th to be hardest day.
We babysat your cousin delaney tonight. It was really nice to get to have some time with her. When your grandma and aunt Ashley aren't around, she plays with me and uncle Jamey a little more. I cherish the bedtime time with her, because she cuddles and loves you up. Although tonight it was hard, because all I thought about were you two. I love that little girl so much, and I wish I would get to blow bubbles with you, spin and twirl in the kitchen , and pick you up and take you to bed and read bedtime stories too. That's one of the hardest things abut losing your sweet babies, is realizing every day all the dreams and future plans you had for them, disappear right before you, and having to remind yourself of that every day..
Alena and Jamie, I still am so sorry and really can't help but hate myself these days. I can't believe we lost you, I can't believe I lost you, that my baby girls are gone.
I love you, I love you both so much. I miss you, I miss you both so much. Your mommy and daddy miss you and love you so.
Please take care of each other for me, and look out for one another. Don't forget me, don't forget daddy, don't forget your family. Remember and feel every day how much we love you, and how much we miss you.
Goodnight love bugs . I love you
" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I living
My babies you'll be.. "
Friday, February 8, 2013
A long night
Alena and Jamie,
At work today I had a client ask me how I was doing , she looked at me so sad that I felt like breaking down and crying. I've been able to keep it together at work for the most part. I get sad sometimes but I feel like work is making me put one happy face, like I have to keep acting normal for my clients sake? Who knows how I feel honestly. The best way to describe it is as an out of body experience. I feel like everything has happened to somebody else , And I am watching it happen. Idk if that makes any sense either..
I miss you both so much, I love you baby girls. I can't help but feel that not feeling sad or hurt or upset all day makes me a bad mom, that I am not paying you enough respect or overall being a horrible mother. I just don't understand any of this , least of all how life is still supposed to go on, even though you are not here and how we just have to keep going. It wasn't supposed to be this way, to feel this pain, this hurt of losing your beautiful children. . I miss you
My sweet girls, I promise you ill never forget you. I'll never forget the first time we saw you on the screen , when we heard your sweet strong heartbeats, when you waved at us on screen, And when I first felt your strong kicks . But least of I will never forget how brave you were, how strong you fought, you are fighters, my fighters. You always will be. I envy how close you two were, growing together from the moment of conception, knowing each other from the day you were formed. I'm so lucky I got to be a part of it, but I'm even happier you two will have that forever.
I love you Alena and Jamie and I miss you oh SO very much. Please Remember this mommy will always ALWAYS love her sweet girls. Goodnight angels. I miss you , a lot.
" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."
At work today I had a client ask me how I was doing , she looked at me so sad that I felt like breaking down and crying. I've been able to keep it together at work for the most part. I get sad sometimes but I feel like work is making me put one happy face, like I have to keep acting normal for my clients sake? Who knows how I feel honestly. The best way to describe it is as an out of body experience. I feel like everything has happened to somebody else , And I am watching it happen. Idk if that makes any sense either..
I miss you both so much, I love you baby girls. I can't help but feel that not feeling sad or hurt or upset all day makes me a bad mom, that I am not paying you enough respect or overall being a horrible mother. I just don't understand any of this , least of all how life is still supposed to go on, even though you are not here and how we just have to keep going. It wasn't supposed to be this way, to feel this pain, this hurt of losing your beautiful children. . I miss you
My sweet girls, I promise you ill never forget you. I'll never forget the first time we saw you on the screen , when we heard your sweet strong heartbeats, when you waved at us on screen, And when I first felt your strong kicks . But least of I will never forget how brave you were, how strong you fought, you are fighters, my fighters. You always will be. I envy how close you two were, growing together from the moment of conception, knowing each other from the day you were formed. I'm so lucky I got to be a part of it, but I'm even happier you two will have that forever.
I love you Alena and Jamie and I miss you oh SO very much. Please Remember this mommy will always ALWAYS love her sweet girls. Goodnight angels. I miss you , a lot.
" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Unreal
Hello darlings,
The days are weird now.. I'm not sure that I am explaining them right to anyone, honestly . I don't even know if I know how to explain them to my self. Life has to go on, even though you're gone, and that is still not something I feel I understand. I wake up, I get ready, clean house , make food or whatever, go to work, and then come home. There is no taking care of you two, getting you ready for grandmas babysitting, or picking you up after work and spending all my time with you. It's almost like I have to forget every dream I've had.. And I feel like half of my life/memories are missing now. Like I'm living a whole different life, I'm a whole different person.
I miss you both so much. There is so much I wish I could share with you, so much I wish I could share with the world about you ... But I have only a few memories with you. As much as that is unfair and hard, I will cherish every single moment I had with you amazing baby girls.
We hurt so much because we love you & miss you so much, more then words, or prayers or anything will ever be able to say.. I pray everyday that you know how much I love you, how much I miss you. I hope you are hearing that girls.. Oh how I hope.
I miss you.
I love you.
And I will forever think about you both, every day..
Goodnight my angels .
" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be .. "
The days are weird now.. I'm not sure that I am explaining them right to anyone, honestly . I don't even know if I know how to explain them to my self. Life has to go on, even though you're gone, and that is still not something I feel I understand. I wake up, I get ready, clean house , make food or whatever, go to work, and then come home. There is no taking care of you two, getting you ready for grandmas babysitting, or picking you up after work and spending all my time with you. It's almost like I have to forget every dream I've had.. And I feel like half of my life/memories are missing now. Like I'm living a whole different life, I'm a whole different person.
I miss you both so much. There is so much I wish I could share with you, so much I wish I could share with the world about you ... But I have only a few memories with you. As much as that is unfair and hard, I will cherish every single moment I had with you amazing baby girls.
We hurt so much because we love you & miss you so much, more then words, or prayers or anything will ever be able to say.. I pray everyday that you know how much I love you, how much I miss you. I hope you are hearing that girls.. Oh how I hope.
I miss you.
I love you.
And I will forever think about you both, every day..
Goodnight my angels .
" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be .. "
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Goodnight loves
My angels,
I love you. I love and miss you so much, so very much.
I miss you. I think about you all the time.
I'm so sorry.
These three things I will never get to tell you enough, and everyday I will tell you ..
Sleep good my angels, momma loves you always and forever.
"I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.. "
I love you. I love and miss you so much, so very much.
I miss you. I think about you all the time.
I'm so sorry.
These three things I will never get to tell you enough, and everyday I will tell you ..
Sleep good my angels, momma loves you always and forever.
"I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.. "
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Work
Hey my angels,
Well, today I went back to work. Well kind of. I had one client and did your grandma and grandpas hair. I thought it might help on the first day..
Today was not as bad as I thought it would be, just different, very different. The girls were all really nice and gave me my space , but it's weird how everything just kind of goes back to normal.. Even though its not.. I keep telling your daddy that I don't understand how everything is supposed to be, now that our whole world has been flipped upside down. I guess there is no answer to that.
Every night we light your candle on your urn and just stand before you, it's the hardest part of the day. Saying goodnight feels like we are saying goodbye .. It's not the way I wanted our nights to end..
I will end it with telling you how much love I have for you girls, how much love I will always have. I love you sweet beautiful precious girls, you are my everything.
Goodnight babies , momma loves you so very much.
" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
A long as I'm living
My babies you'll be"
Well, today I went back to work. Well kind of. I had one client and did your grandma and grandpas hair. I thought it might help on the first day..
Today was not as bad as I thought it would be, just different, very different. The girls were all really nice and gave me my space , but it's weird how everything just kind of goes back to normal.. Even though its not.. I keep telling your daddy that I don't understand how everything is supposed to be, now that our whole world has been flipped upside down. I guess there is no answer to that.
Every night we light your candle on your urn and just stand before you, it's the hardest part of the day. Saying goodnight feels like we are saying goodbye .. It's not the way I wanted our nights to end..
I will end it with telling you how much love I have for you girls, how much love I will always have. I love you sweet beautiful precious girls, you are my everything.
Goodnight babies , momma loves you so very much.
" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
A long as I'm living
My babies you'll be"
Monday, February 4, 2013
A poem
Can you be a Mother when your baby is not with you? I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today. I asked “What makes a mother?” and I know I heard Him say, “A mother has a baby”. This we know is true. “But God, can you be a mother when your baby’s not with you?” “Yes you can,” He replied with confidence in His voice. “I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice. Some I send for a lifetime, and others for the day and some I send to feel your womb, but there’s no need to stay.” “I just don’t understand this God I want my baby to be here.” He took a deep breath and cleared His throat, and then I saw the tear. “I wish I could show you, what your child is doing today. If you could see your child’s smile, with all the other children and say…” “We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear. My mommy loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here. I feel so lucky to have a mom who had so much love for me. I learned my lessons very quickly, my mommy set me free. I miss my mommy oh so much but I visit her everyday. When she goes to sleep on her pillows where I lay. I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, and whisper in her ear, “mommy don’t be sad today, I’m your baby and I’m here.” “So you see my dear sweet ones, your children are okay. Your babies are born here in my home and this is where they’ll stay. They’ll wait for you with me until your lessons through. And on the day that you come home they’ll be at the gates for you. So now you see what makes a mother, It’s the feeling in your heart. It’s the love you had so much of right from the very start. Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother until their time is done. They’ll be up here with me one day and know that you are the best one.”
This poem says so much.. I tear up every time I read it.
This is what I pray for , what I have to believe for why you girls are not in my arms.. What I hope for every single day.
I love you both so very very much, I won't let you go a day without knowing that.
Goodnight my sweet angels, sleep well.
" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."
This poem says so much.. I tear up every time I read it.
This is what I pray for , what I have to believe for why you girls are not in my arms.. What I hope for every single day.
I love you both so very very much, I won't let you go a day without knowing that.
Goodnight my sweet angels, sleep well.
" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Dealing..somewhat
Hey sweethearts,
Today daddy finished painting the orange room ( finally) and the mantel. We are actually in the process of putting it up right now. It's very pretty, I hope you both like it.
Today is just another day. Still not feeling good, but I hope it's getting better. We went over to grandma and grandpas house to watch the Super Bowl and eat food. I ended up having a harder time and your aunt ashley and grandma stayed and talked with me. Everyone misses you both so much, it's so hard.
I love you and Alena Marie and Jamie Rae. You sweet girls are my life, my everything. I still can't believe I have to wake up everyday and tell myself that you really aren't here, it wasn't just a nightmare I can wake up from, it's real life. Unfortunately.
I don't want to face these days without you, but I guess it's what I have to do, have to accept. I'm very lucky to have your daddy and your grandma and grandpa and aunts and uncles and love them all very much, but it's hard to put on a smile for them sometimes. But I know they are hurting too, and I don't always want to make them feel bad.. I miss you.
There are a lot of things I want to share , but I will say goodnight..
Love you baby girls , our angels, our miracles,
Sleep tight and know mommy and daddy miss and love you, so much & always
Xoxo
" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as im living
My babies you'll be.. "
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Angels
Hey Sweet Girls,
Today was another crappy day.. literally. I thought i was going to have to go back to ER today, haven't been feeling well at all for a couple of days and it got really bad last night. Luckily it seems we might be in there clear, im just hoping everything is ok.. we are not in any way shape or form ready for anymore surprises or bad news.
Anyway, wasn't much of an interesting day today. Daddy has finished staining the mantel and your shadow box we did some rearranging on. He said he's not sure if all this stuff is hurting us and making us more sad... I don't really think it makes a difference at this point girls.. Just going to be sad and in pain every day.
I made the decision to contact my clients and let them know i am coming back to work next week. I am a little freaked out/ scared? Not sure how am i going to be around people, around my coworkers.. not even sure how i am going to be around myself if that makes any sense.. I have been not working for almost 7 weeks now, haven't really made any contact with anyone outside of family. Throwing myself back into the work place .. i don't know if i have a choice anymore. I guess i have to try to have some normalcy.. if that is even possible at all after all this. I just wake up & try to do something, try to be myself. I don't even know who i am or how im supposed to act anymore. Losing you has made me lose myself, and i don't know if i want to find me again..
I know this isn't how you would want me to be spending my days, or writing about in your letters/blog. This isn't who you want me to be. I'm sorry, just another way of letting you down girls.
I am sorry, i really truly am. I wonder if i will forever feel like i somehow failed you both, let you down. I want you to know i thought i was doing everything i could, i would've done a million more things, i dont care what it would have been, it would have been for you two..and you are all that matters..
I love you both, I love you Alena and Jamie my sweet baby girls. I miss you so much, so so much. Remember that, angels.
" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as im living
My babies you'll be.."
Goodnight Loves.
Today was another crappy day.. literally. I thought i was going to have to go back to ER today, haven't been feeling well at all for a couple of days and it got really bad last night. Luckily it seems we might be in there clear, im just hoping everything is ok.. we are not in any way shape or form ready for anymore surprises or bad news.
Anyway, wasn't much of an interesting day today. Daddy has finished staining the mantel and your shadow box we did some rearranging on. He said he's not sure if all this stuff is hurting us and making us more sad... I don't really think it makes a difference at this point girls.. Just going to be sad and in pain every day.
I made the decision to contact my clients and let them know i am coming back to work next week. I am a little freaked out/ scared? Not sure how am i going to be around people, around my coworkers.. not even sure how i am going to be around myself if that makes any sense.. I have been not working for almost 7 weeks now, haven't really made any contact with anyone outside of family. Throwing myself back into the work place .. i don't know if i have a choice anymore. I guess i have to try to have some normalcy.. if that is even possible at all after all this. I just wake up & try to do something, try to be myself. I don't even know who i am or how im supposed to act anymore. Losing you has made me lose myself, and i don't know if i want to find me again..
I know this isn't how you would want me to be spending my days, or writing about in your letters/blog. This isn't who you want me to be. I'm sorry, just another way of letting you down girls.
I am sorry, i really truly am. I wonder if i will forever feel like i somehow failed you both, let you down. I want you to know i thought i was doing everything i could, i would've done a million more things, i dont care what it would have been, it would have been for you two..and you are all that matters..
I love you both, I love you Alena and Jamie my sweet baby girls. I miss you so much, so so much. Remember that, angels.
" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as im living
My babies you'll be.."
Goodnight Loves.
Friday, February 1, 2013
I don't know.
My Sweet Alena and Jamie,
Today was a slow starting, too long of a day. I woke up ok, but after that just kind of zoned out into my own little world of you two. I'm sure you were probably not happy with me today, i was really sad and took a couple of steps back. Some days are better then others, but today really wasn't one of them. I miss you so much, and i don't even get to see you to tell you that. That sounds really weird and messed up in some way, but if i could just see you to tell you anything, anything at all.. I just need to see you, in some way. In my dreams, in a vision.. something. It just hurts. Thats the only way to describe losing a child, losing your children. Losing your precious baby girl twins, your firstborns..
I'm crying writing you this tonight, i just want you here. I need you here. Please God, i need your help tonight. You sweet girls, i don't understand why i lost you, why we lost you. Why you had to go.. Why we had to let you go. Sometimes i cant help but go back to the day you were born, all the craziness and horribleness of it all. I cant believe i actually went through labor, that it all happened, that you are gone and this is the way it is now. My heart aches everyday, i literally feel like its breaking, and you know what? I don't know if it will ever be ok again..
I told your Aunt Ashley that sometimes i wish i could just die in my sleep. That it gets to be too much, that i just miss you so much i want to be with you.. i just want us to be together. Thats selfish though, and i cant be like that., not to your daddy and your family. I hold on to the knowing that we will be together when we are supposed too, even though i feel we should have never had to experience being apart. A mother and her babies, a mother and her sweet angels.
I'm trying to hold on to hope, hold on to faith. That God has such a bigger plan for you, that you were too special, too beautiful, too amazing for this Earth. Maybe you were even too special for us to get to cherish, that you were always meant to be angels.. i dont know. I do know that you are loved so very much, so many people loved you before you were even born. You've always been special Alena and Jamie, and you will forever be.
This grieving process is gruesome, mind & body numbing and endless. I just want you here, i would do ANYTHING for you to be here, i would give up my life for you to be here with your daddy, your grandpas and grandmas, your aunts and uncles. Everyone misses and loves you so much , including me X a million.
Sweet angels, this momma is nothing without you, an empty shell, a wanderer. Please help me to get stronger for you, to give you someone to be proud of , to make you smile. I love you both so much, i wont ever stop loving you. My life has forever changed because of you two, and im so thankful and blessed to be your mom.
I love you beautiful girls. Goodnight.
" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as im living
My babies you'll be.."
Today was a slow starting, too long of a day. I woke up ok, but after that just kind of zoned out into my own little world of you two. I'm sure you were probably not happy with me today, i was really sad and took a couple of steps back. Some days are better then others, but today really wasn't one of them. I miss you so much, and i don't even get to see you to tell you that. That sounds really weird and messed up in some way, but if i could just see you to tell you anything, anything at all.. I just need to see you, in some way. In my dreams, in a vision.. something. It just hurts. Thats the only way to describe losing a child, losing your children. Losing your precious baby girl twins, your firstborns..
I'm crying writing you this tonight, i just want you here. I need you here. Please God, i need your help tonight. You sweet girls, i don't understand why i lost you, why we lost you. Why you had to go.. Why we had to let you go. Sometimes i cant help but go back to the day you were born, all the craziness and horribleness of it all. I cant believe i actually went through labor, that it all happened, that you are gone and this is the way it is now. My heart aches everyday, i literally feel like its breaking, and you know what? I don't know if it will ever be ok again..
I told your Aunt Ashley that sometimes i wish i could just die in my sleep. That it gets to be too much, that i just miss you so much i want to be with you.. i just want us to be together. Thats selfish though, and i cant be like that., not to your daddy and your family. I hold on to the knowing that we will be together when we are supposed too, even though i feel we should have never had to experience being apart. A mother and her babies, a mother and her sweet angels.
I'm trying to hold on to hope, hold on to faith. That God has such a bigger plan for you, that you were too special, too beautiful, too amazing for this Earth. Maybe you were even too special for us to get to cherish, that you were always meant to be angels.. i dont know. I do know that you are loved so very much, so many people loved you before you were even born. You've always been special Alena and Jamie, and you will forever be.
This grieving process is gruesome, mind & body numbing and endless. I just want you here, i would do ANYTHING for you to be here, i would give up my life for you to be here with your daddy, your grandpas and grandmas, your aunts and uncles. Everyone misses and loves you so much , including me X a million.
Sweet angels, this momma is nothing without you, an empty shell, a wanderer. Please help me to get stronger for you, to give you someone to be proud of , to make you smile. I love you both so much, i wont ever stop loving you. My life has forever changed because of you two, and im so thankful and blessed to be your mom.
I love you beautiful girls. Goodnight.
" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as im living
My babies you'll be.."
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