Inspiration

Hey beautiful girls,

I really am not doing well this week with writing you , and I am once again sorry. This week has been a really crazy week. I know that doesn't excuse but I love you both so very much.

Today was the day we have been waiting for, and once it got started, it went by fast thank goodness. It's been a hard day, for many reasons. I had a little episode earlier before I got called back. But everybody talked me into a better state of mind, and they are pushing me into a more positive state of mind.

I feel like you two are my inspiration, what's pushing me to stand up and try. Try to breathe. Try to live. Try to get through this life without you.. The days are hard, and I really do just want to give up somedays. But when I found out we were having you, when I first saw and heard your hearts and movements,and as hard as it was to see you like I had too..you girls are so beautiful. And why I hope I can make you proud and happy.

I love you beautiful girls, sososo much. Miss you even more then yesterday. I love you.. Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
Ill like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be..."

Love you.

Hey sweet peas,

I love you. I saw a lot of things today that made me think of you girls, and wish you were here. It's so weird to me not lighting your candle and not saying goodnight at your urn, I haven't liked it at all. It just has been weird.

I miss you both so much, and these next couple of days are going to be.. I just idk. I'm hoping and praying for good things girls, but I'm just so scared...

I love you both so so much, so very much. Good night my beautiful baby girls, mommy misses and loves you both so much!!!!!! Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

I'm sorry

Hey baby girls,
I'm sorry I didn't write you last night, the wifi is not working well here and I'm not sure this is even going to post to the blog tonight. I feel horrible when I don't get to write you, and I'm sorry. Today your daddy and I went to New York. It was really amazing. I have wanted to go to New York for so very long, and since we are so close , we just decided To go. There were some really amazing places, and I wish you would have been here to see., but the things you see are much more beautiful and amazing.. I'm sure.

I'm worried , and I'm scared girls. I know we never get to see the future, and we aren't supposed to know what's going to happen.. But I'm so worried to take chances now. I keep going forward, but take two steps back when it comes to my faith. I'm excited, I'm nervous. I'm optimistic,
I'm negative. I'm a basket case I feel... I need you. I just don't get why you aren't here with me. We shouldn't be here, we shouldn't be anywhere but cuddling you at home and getting ready to put you to bed..

I love you and I miss you both so very very much. Please always remember that. Always & forever sweet baby girls ..

Goodnight my sweet angels, I love you girls

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

NJ

Hey sweethearts,

Well.. We are here. Now we are just hanging around until the big day. Your grandpa took us today to see us off, your poor grandma was really really sick, she said she lost 13 pounds! But luckily she is feeling much better now.

We found the ocean/beach, and got to walk the piers and the boardwalk, it was really pretty and cute. It would have been a really wonderful place to take you too, all the lights and excitement. I always think about you two with new stuff or the things I see that I had planned for us to experience together.

I want to thank you girls. For bringing so much light into my life, for making me a better person, for being my reasons to live, and for helping me to keep staying strong in my faith, and reminding me that I have to stay strong. I falter and stumble and fall a lot, but you always find a way to make me pick myself up again.. Somehow. So I thank you, for everything . For being my everything, for being my baby girls.

I love you, I love you always.. Always and forever.

Goodnight my sweet angels, xoxox mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Saturday

Hey love bugs,

Today was a good day, busy day. Grandma and grandpa have been busy moving into their new house. They ended up redoing the whole kitchen and got new appliances and everything, so we got their fridge and gave pat and Ashley ours. That actually worked out perfect since theirs was starting to die. We have been packing and getting ready to leave too. Today we also did a little cook out at grandma and grandpas, it's always nice when we get to hangout together. We're very lucky to have the family that we have. That's why it's so hard, but we just have to send our love and so much more to you where you are..

Grandma said that she thinks about your great grandpa Clarence, and how he didn't get to be here to see us grow up and be here, that he is spoiling you up there in heaven, so very much enjoying the ife of being a great grandpa. It makes me tear up and smile at the same time to think that, because as much as I miss you and want you here with me, your great grandpa is probably loving being with you more then anything. And while I know you are taken care of in heaven no matter what, it brings my heart happiness to know how much love is there for you.. There and here.

I miss you my sweet baby girls. There is not a moment that goes by that I am not missing you, or thinking about you, or wanting you here with me. My sweet angels, know that I love you more then my own life, and wish you were here with me or I was with you.. Always and forever, you are my beautiful darlings, my miracles.. I love you my sweet sweet girls, I love you.

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
 I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.. "

Ok.

Hey sweet girls,

Today was a very busy day. The last couple of days have been like that, it keep me busy, and sometimes that helps. I feel like I went crazy today, I felt like I was delirious.. I was laughing at everything and everyone, just acting like idk... Me. And as much as it felt nice to laugh and stuff, it was wrong.. It felt so wrong. I mean , you haven't even been gone 5 months, and already I can laugh and smile and be whatever? No, I didn't like that. I keep thinking about how my clients probably think I'm insensitive or how can I act like that.. Idk. I'm thankful that I can get out of bed in the morning and go to work and put on a happy face for the world and my clients, but days like today make me feel weird and not like myself ( even though I'm acting like the old me) idk girls, it just doesn't seem right, and I am sorry.

Today your poor daddy hasn't been feeling well, so I ended up watching your cousin laney by myself. When I watch her and play with her, I can't help but think about how much I love being able to be with her and spend these moments with her, but it just hits me all the things I'll miss with you, and as much as I love your cousin laney bug, she's Ashley's baby girl.. Not mine...

I miss you too a lot. I had so many plans for us, so much beautiful and wonderful things to look forward too. Now I just look forward to every new day because it is a day closer to being with you two.

I love you both so much, and miss you more then words could every say..

Goodnight my sweet munchkins, mommy loves you..

Always & forever

Xoxo

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Sweet girls

Hey baby loves,

I'm very tired today. Things are kind of weird right now, with everything going on. I'm so scared that going back into a hospital is going to throw me into some PTSD moment and I'm going to freak out. Please be with me and help me get through this girls, I'm going to need some support from my sweet babies..

I love and miss you both so much, I hope you know that every single day. I know you are in the most beautiful place, but not a day goes by that I don't think about what all I would give to have you here with me.

Goodnight my beautiful angels, I love and miss you both more then you will ever know..

Always & forever xoxox mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you,for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

May 22.

Hey sweet baby dolls,

Today was kind of a different day. Daddy are and I are finalizing up our plans for our nj trip, and we will be off soon. I'm nervous. I'm worried and scared. I'm excited but sad.. I'm a mess girls. Sometimes I don't know what I am.

I feel I'm going to be a weirdo now, kind of zoning in and out of this world/my life. You're gone, which means a life without you in mine , here on earth, and that is very hard to understand most days.

I love you both so much, and miss you . I hope you always know my love for you, and it is truly more then anyone has ever known..

Goodnight my sweet angels, I love you both.. Always & forever

Xoxoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Hey sweet babies,

There is a million and one things that go through my head daily, you two of course being the main things. I feel at this point in my grief.. Well at least at this moment.. I have accepted that you aren't coming home. I still wish this was just a horrible nightmare every single day, but I never get my wish. I just hope to honor your lives and make you happy and proud every single day..

I miss you sweet angels, I love you so very very much..

Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Remembering

Hey sweet loves,

Today I feel .. Idk how I feel today. I was telling grandpa earlier how I hate I am now that " glass half empty person" ; pessimistic. I like to think I have not always been like that, I have tried to be an optimistic , happy , " glass half full" kinda girl. It's so very hard to be positive, to look forward to the future... To have faith things are going to be better... And be strong enough to try ..

I need help, I know I do. I feel like I just need to be hit so hard with something to knock myself back into a positive state of mind, to know that faith is enough, and I have to rely on that to get me.. Us through. Your daddy is very positive, and knows things are going to work out. But I fought so hard to stay positive about us, about our situation, and look what happened.

I know you're probably mad at me for writing that, for sounding like I'm giving up. I want you to know that I'm not, but I do think about it. I'm not strong right now , I am weak.. And that is the easy way, and sometimes feels like the only way..

But you are my angels, my saving grace, because you make me want to be strong, and try to be better.. And to know a miracle again...

I love you, I miss you so much..

Goodnight my sweet angels, I love you both so so much.

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Goodnight my sweet beautiful angels.. I love you so very much. I hope today was a beautiful day for you today, it was still raining and nasty here today.

Sleep well my angels, I once again hope to dream of you, As I do every night. I hope and pray so Much to see you soon..

Don't forget me baby girls, please don't forget your momma. I so wish we were together more then anything in this world, so it was something we never had to worry about.. I love you so much and miss you more then you could ever imagine.

Goodnight beautiful girls, I love you.

Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Rain, rain..

Hey baby girls,

The rain started again today. I was hoping it was going to be a nicer weekend since I was off, but I suppose we need some rain again.

I'm writing to say goodnight and I love you lots. I miss you both so much, so so much. I wish more then anything my heart has ever desired, that you both were in my arms tonight...

I love you. I love you both so much..

Always & forever..

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Need.

Hey sweet peas,

Today was very warm, almost like a hat wave was passing through. I went and worked a little today, and hung out with your grandma for a little. Your dad is off finishing his memorial tattoo for you girls.

I talked with my friend Brooke today , and it was a nice, long good talk. I'm glad we have been able to keep in touch over this time. She came down from Virginia for your march of dimes walk.. She is a wonderful friend and I love her dearly.

Today is grandma and grandpas anniversary. They have been married for 27 years. They are a true inspiration and wonderful couple/parents/grandparents.. They miss you and love you so very much.

I think I'm ok today.. I have cried a couple of times. I can't help but still get upset and break down and cry.. I still wake up and can't believe this is our life... My life. It's not one I wanted, if it can't be with you two girls.. But it's what I have, and I'm gonna try to make good of it.

I love you both so much, and miss you very much . Not a day goes by you're not on my mind..

Goodnight my sweet beautiful angels, I wish I was there to rock you to sleep And kiss your sweet faces.

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Group

Hey sweet girls,

Tonight we had our monthly group meeting. This was was about how moms and dads grieve differently.. Your daddy likes this group a lot more then the other one, and I believe I do too. It can be so nice sometimes to just talk with other people,  and help. I cried a lot tonight, I didn't mean to, but I did end up getting really upset and couldn't help it..  I got to talk about you though, and sometimes that's all I need. Your dad and I are really lucky to have families that will listen to us and let us talk and keep you a big part of this family as anyone else is, because no matter if you are here o in heaven, you ARE A huge part of this family baby girls... Huge.

Goodnight my sweet girls, I love you both so much. I hope I can become a more positive deserving person of you two.. Right now I am so negative and despondent idk what to do about myself..

I love you, I miss you.. More then you will ever know.
Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.. "

Blending

Hey baby loves,

I feel like the days are all just starting to blend together. Some days it feels as if I've lost you just yesterday, and others it feels as though its been years. Some days are harder then others, and some are ok. It's just a weird new way of living I have to get used to now..

I love you both so much, and miss you so so very much. I wish I was with you / you her with me every single day.

Goodnight beautiful baby girls, mommy loves you

Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Thankful

Hey sweet girls,

I'm sitting here watching the news tonight with your daddy, and all I can say is how thankful I am that you know no bad, you don't know evil or pain. This world is full of great things, but people are so evil, so horrible.. And although it doesn't change how much I want and need you here with me, that is the only thing I am thankful for in your absence, is that you will never know this.

I miss you both so much, and think about you every single day. I can't go anywhere without being reminded of you. The days are ok, I know I'm never going to be 100% again, I'm never going to be me , because you are not here with me.. Although Everyday is a day closer to me being with you.

I love you sweet girls, so very much, I love you..

Goodnight baby girls, xoxo mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Hey sweet peas,

Just wanted to drop in and say hi. Today has been a long day, I am one tired lady right now. I miss you Both a lot , and just want you to know how much I love you , and how much I miss you.

Goodnight my sweet baby loves, hope to dream of you...

Always & forever..

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

I love you girls .

Mother's Day

Hi my baby girls,

Today is Mother's Day. Normally a very happy and joyous day, and I'm sure it was for many.. But I didn't get to spend it with you. Your daddy and I spend most of the day together, and we went over to grandpa and gradmas. We got her flowers and a card and some candy.

It makes me so sad that you never got to meet her, to get babysat by her, to fully enjoy having a grandma as amazing as she is. Shes my mom, but i get to see her be delaneys grandma, and she would have loved you both more then anything. But the truth is, even though you can't be here with us, she already does love you more then anything and always will. I'm so lucky, we are so lucky to have her.

You two mean so much to me, to us, to this family. You have changed us, changed the way we look at the world, at how we look At things. We have had to pull together and lean on each other. We've had to decide where we are going with our faith.. If we are going to grow stronger and ask God to pull us through this storm, or if we are going let it take us down. I have many days where I struggle and fall and can't get back up, but I think I am starting to have more days where I can try. I'm here, and I'm breathing.. It's a start.

I'm trying to be better girls, I'm trying to be more positive and believe. And some days I really believe I am, I do. But then I find myself getting depressed and falling down and thinking I'm not going to get back up again.. But I have to, I have to for you. I don't want you to know me as this. I want you to remember me singing to you, talking to you in my belly, praying and wishing and hoping for you everyday for as long as I can remember.. Loving you. You are your daddy's and me bright spots in this world, our reasons to keep going and fighting. To make you proud, And remember us in good ways.

Goodnight my sweet munchkins, I miss you and love you more then anyone could ever imagine.

Always & forever baby girls..

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Tomorrow

Hey baby loves,

Tomorrow is Mother's Day. My first Mother's Day, my first of many without you two here. I'm not sure how the day is going to go, I think it's going to be hard.. Idk. I hate this all, and it's crazy , all of it . You were going to be here, you are supposed to be here , the reason for me to get to celebrate that day..

I miss you both, and you gave me the name " mom" . Nothing will ever change the fact that you two made me a mom.. Nothing. you are my first born, my second born, my sweet baby beautiful girls. Thank your for being my angels, my sweet hearts, my reason for living. Thank you for blessing me and letting me be your mother..

Goodnight my sweet baby girls, I love you so so much, and miss you so very much.

I love you., forever & always

" I'll love you forever
 I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Mad

Hey sweet peas,

Today was a bad day. I'm tired of people, I'm tired of life. I get so mad that people don't think before they talk. I hate being put on the spot or being asked stuff that I don't know how to answer. I'm tired of talking about everyone else's kids, how everyone else can get pregnant so easily and so much, how cute their baby is , how hard it is to be a mom, how tired they are ETC ETC. DO YOU NOT KNOW THAT I LOST MY GIRLS??? THAT I DON'T GET TO TUCK THEM IN AT NIGHT, OR CUDDLE WITH THEM, OR SING SONGS TO THEM, CHANGE THEM OR DRESS THEM IN CUTE OUTFITS????????

I'm sorry baby girls, there is no reason to be ranting to you or letting you know how upset I am. It's just hard to not get to share things about you that others get to share about their kids..

I love you, my baby girls I love and miss you both so so much....

Always and forever my loves.. <3

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Hey baby girls,

I'm sitting here writing you goodnight while we are getting ready to actually say goodnight, your candle is lit and we are siting in the living room.. Tis is the hardest part of everyday. I feels hat waking up and going to bed are the worst parts, because I wake up with out you, and I go to sleep without you..

Goodnight my sweet loves, I miss you so much and think of you 24/7. I love you both very much, I really do.. I miss you my sweet sweet beautiful darling babies, oh how I do so much.

Xoxo,mommy

Always & forever

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
M babies you'll be."

Nights.

Hey sweet peas,

I just want to right you and say goodnight and that I love you both very very much..
Today was a harder day, and I don't want to get into that too much... I hate bringing sad news to you, even though I feel I do all the time.

Goodnight my sweet baby girls, mommy loves you and misses you so so so much.

P.s. your aunt Teresa got me some beautiful charms for my pandora memorial bracelet for you girls.. One is an open heart angel, and the other is an angel wing.. They made me cry.

Xoxo, mommy

I LOVE YOU always & forever

" I'll love you forever
 I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Dreams.

Hey baby girls,
 I miss you, and I love you..

Always & forever

Sweet dreams love bugs...

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

I love you SO MUCH!!!!

Tired.

Hey baby girls,

I'm tired of feeling left behind, of being lonely, of being afraid of the future and things happening. I don't want this to be the end, but if its the beginning, I'm scared.

This is the worst pain I have ever known, and sometimes it doesn't feel as painful, but it is still just as deep. I miss you Alena and Jamie, so so much. I just want you here, why does that have to feel like asking too much?

I love you both so much, I hope you can feel that love my dear sweet darlings, I just want to be able to give everything.. Everything.

I love you baby girls. My sweet girls, I love you.

Sweet dreams love bugs...

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Rainy days

Hey pretty girls,

It has been raining non stop for about 4 days now, it's been crazy. I actually feel that I am starting to go stir crazy.. I wanted to get out but your daddy has just wanted to stay in. He's gotten on a kick of starting series of tv shows, and he is on his second one now. I cAn only watch so much.. Him on the other hand can watch all day. We were supposed to go to Carowinds today with his work, but obviously with the rain and it getting so cold, i was surprised they didn't cancel it.

I miss you both so much. I really am so scared this is the end, that you will be our only babies, and you are in heaven. Nobody likes me thinking like that, and I am trying not too. I don't always feel that way, but sometimes it really takes over.. And it's so hard to think positive.

I'm getting a surgery done at the end of this month. I feel we are doing everything right.. And then I feel we are getting ahead of ourselves. I just need some certainty , some guidance, some help. I don't want to be afraid, I want to be strong, I want to be able to handle this and do this girls, I do. But it's so hard because you should be here, and we shouldn't have to,be going through this.. And unfortunately we are.. I miss you and I love you.. So so much.

Goodnight my sweet angels,  I love you so.. Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy


" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
 As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Some days are just harder then others. I love you and miss you more then you will ever know.

I talked about you both today... I still can't without crying.. I miss you so much.

I love you my sweet baby girls.

Always & forever..

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be..."

Scared

Hey love bugs,

Today was another rainy day. We've had some sun but mostly rain.

Daddy and I have made some big decisions regarding the future, and I want to know I'm going the right way, I'm on the path I need to be. If you can, please let the big guy upstairs know I am in need of guidance big time, and that I miss you both so dearly.

I love you both so much girls. I wish so much I wasn't having to think about or plan the things we are in the middle of planning right now. I miss you. I need you. I love you!!!!!!

Goodnight my sweet baby girls, I hope to dream of you tonight, as every night..

I love you so so much. Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Love.

Hey sweet peas,

Mommy misses you so much. Everyone around me is having babies, getting pregnant, or has a million little sweet ones already.. I just wish you were here, I'm so lost without you both..

I love you lots baby girls, always & forever..

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be..."

I LOVE YOU!!!!!!

Silence

Hey baby loves,

I'm writing you way earlier today, weird huh?

Daddy and I bought a swing this weekend, and I am just sitting on the front porch listening to the wing and enjoying being outside.

There's two little girls riding around on their bikes, and it hurts so much I'll never get to see you do that. I was looking forward to the Christmas when Santa brought you two new big girl bikes, and your daddy and I helped you learn how to ride...

It's a cooler day today, cloudy and not much. I'm sure it's more beautiful in heaven.

I miss you sweet girls, I miss you so much. The days all jumble together now, there's not much different between any one .

I love you Alena Marie And Jamie Rae, remember that always my sweet girls..

Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."