My girls.

Hey sweet peas,

I hope you have had a beautiful day today. Mine was a blah day. I miss you a lot. This house is so quiet, it's so backwards, it's not ok at all. I'm tired of no noise, no crying, no nothing... I miss you so much my pretty babies... There is nothing in this world I wouldn't do to have ou back.. In my womb, in my arms.. In my life here on earth.

But I am thankful and have to be. That you are my girls, for my time with you, for being blessed with your beautiful lives.. My miracles. I hope to make you proud and happy every single day. You are my reasons for living, and I love you so much. Thank you for being mine, and being in my life, always and forever baby girls.. Until I get to hold you beautiful girls in my arms again. It may sound horrible but oh how I look forward to that day again girls...


I love you so so much. Please never ever forget that.

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Weird.

Hey my sweet girls,

Today was ok.. It was actually kind of weird to me being that the walk was this weekend. When we do stuff like that its almost like it takes me to another place, and then I got thrown back into reality. Weird , huh? Idk , this all just seems weird and hard and confusing.. I dont even know who I am supposed to be anymore. I feel like I am living in some sort of dreamworld, well more of a nightmare world , and I hope and wish to wake up any moment.. To you girls.

Goodnight my sweet loves.. I love you so very much.

Always and forever

Xoxo,mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be ..."

Sweet girls

Hey baby loves,

I'm not quite sure what happened to your blog , but I am I the process of fixing it.. All the pics I put on have seemed to move..? Idk I just want it right.

Goodnight my sweet loves, I think about you all the time,and I really don't understand how everyday is just supposed to go on without you.. I just don't..

But I miss you, and I love you both oh so so very much.

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Hey beautiful girls,

Today was our march for dimes walk, and I did it, I actually made it through. Last night before grandpas birthday dinner I got really upset and told your grandma and aunt momo that I didn't think I could do it, that it was too hard and I wasn't sure I could handle it, but I did. Your daddy did really good too. We had a group of 20, one of the larger groups, and it meant so much, really so much to have those friends and your family there, you are so very much loved.

It was a hard day, I'm not going to lie, but it was all in honor of you, doing something special and beautiful for you, and that makes it all seem a little better. Your aunt Ashley really did something amazing for you two, and I know you are proud of her. She loves you both very much, and I know you know that.

When we were done walking, a couple came up to us and told us they were walking in memory of their twin grandchildren, beau & Haley ( I believe) , they're twins too. They said it had been seven years since they lost them at 21 weeks, and they walk every year. She came up and hugged me and talked with us for a little. She said to not give up hope and faith, that we will be able to be blessed again with children,and give you some siblings... I hope that is true because I am just scared girls, that its not ... But it meant so much to have her and her husband come talk with us, and she informed us that her daughter in law now has 3 healthy boys here with them. I know you have a lot of friends up there, which hurts me and comforts me at the same time..

I love you so much!!!!! Don't ever forget how much my love is for you, a mommys love for her sweet beautiful girls. I love you and miss you angels...

Goodnight , xoxo mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Angels.

Hey sweet girls,

Today was your grandpa youngs birthday today. We were very excited to give him his gift today. I had gotten a necklace made for him with your names and wings on it. I told him that I can't leave the house without a piece of jewelry I have on that was made for you girls, and that it makes me feel better to be wearing it. I think he really liked it. W always get together for everyone's birthday and do cake and presents.

Tomorrow is the march for dimes walk, our team is meeting for breakfast and we are all wearing our awesome tshirts that has your girls name on it. You need to know that you are so amazingly loved by so many people, and missed just as much. That you brought so much beauty to this world, and left so much behind.. And I try to envelop as much of that as I can everyday.

I hope I can handle this tomorrow, I'm so scared I won't be able to keep it together and be strong for you girls, it's going to be so hard.. So so hard. Every time we do something like this, I know it has a beautiful meaning, but behind it is the most painful reason that we are doing it.. I just have to be better , I'm gonna try.

I love you. I miss you. Please don't forget me, my love for you baby girls... Please. I need you to know that every single day.

Goodnight baby girls I love you always and forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Another day.

Hey my sweet baby girls,

Tomorrow is your grandpas birthday, and I can't tell you how much I wish you were here to celebrate it with us.. So very much. You two and laney would be the highlights of the day for grandpas day.

I miss you both so much. I feel like a horrible mom, a terrible person, that I am living my life. That I'm still here, and sometimes I laugh or smile and get along, and it just feel so wrong. I'm your mom and you're my baby girls, why would my life still be going on???

I want to be with you. I know you aren't alone, you have each other, but I feel alone, I feel lost without you. I'm thankful to have your daddy, and the rest of our family, but I'll always feel alone I believe, without you here with me. We'll always have our connection.

I love you both so much, and I really beyond anything .. Wish we were spending every second of every minute together , that's all I wish. ..

Goodnight my sweet angel, I love and miss you so.

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

I'm sorry

Hi baby girls,

I'm sorry. I just want you to know everyday that I'm sorry .. And how much I miss you. How much time has been lost without you. I was in target today and I've been wanting to read this book called "heaven is for real" . It was written by a little 5 year old boy at the time. I haven't read all of it, and I was just reading pieces , but it made me want to cry, it was so unbelievable and sweet..

Children are so innocent, they see the world in a completely different way, because they don't know all the evil and bad things in the world, and I'm so thankful that out of All the things that have to be in this world, that hasn't changed. And that's how the little boy is in the book, he talks about heaven in the most beautiful way, it's exactly how you would picture it. Like I said I haven't read all of it, but I wanted to read a specific part, and I did..

This little boy was apparently in surgery when he went to heaven. He heart didn't stop, he didn't go into a coma, nothing. He didn't die, but he went to heaven. Before he and his sister were born, his mom had a miscarriage, that he knew NOTHING about . He went up to his mom and told her he had two sisters, and his mom said "no honey , you don't." And he said " yes I do, I saw her in heaven." He the proceeded to tell his mom and dad about this little girl that came right up to him and hugged him, wouldn't let go of his hand , and how she had dark hair just like her... He then said " god had adopted her." Their parents never knew she was a girl either..

That was so profound to me. I almost started crying in target, I actually teared up. I just ways think about how you are in a better place, and no pain you will ever feel, but it still hurts.. I miss you girls so much, but reading that today made my heart smile, made me miss you so much, but gave me a little bit of hope, a little bit of light in this darkness. I'm going to try to always remember that when I get really sad..

I miss you both so much. The house is way too quiet without you, the nights too long. We barely have opened the door to what was going to be your room.. I go I there sometimes , but idk..

I just want you to know how much I love you, how much I miss you.. How much you are truly honestly and forever loved..

Always & forever

Goodnight babies , I love you..

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

 I just wish you were here.

Sometimes that's all I've got girls. Idk what else to do or say, because you're not. And my whole world has been turned upside down..

I miss you so much, and I love you even  more baby girls... Always & forever

Goodnight sweet beautiful babies, mommy loves you..

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Another memory.

Hey sweet girls,

Well, we made it. Somehow we made it through the day. Idk how I'm doing it, or how I'm able to laugh or smile or just be ok, it all seems wrong, like I'm forgetting you of forgetting our time together. It shouldn't be that way, and everyone says its ok to do those things, I just feel bad doing them sometimes.. Idk.

I keep thinking about how we should've been freaking out today because of  your arrival, not because it was another memory of you both being gone, not being here in my belly.. Or in our arms.

My sweet girls, I don't know how I am going to continue to live this life without you two here, but I'm trying.. I'm really trying to do this. I miss you both so much, you are always on my mind.

I love you Alena Marie and Jamie Rae.. So so much..

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Wow.

Hey sweethearts,

Tomorrow is April 22. Exactly a month until your due date.. Well actually tomorrow was supposed to be your due date, since you are twins, they expected you here a month early,, and tomorrow was going to be your birthday.

I miss you both so much, I don't know how to tell you how much or to explain this hurt and longing for you two. I think about your constantly, and close you both so much. You are my life, and it's so hard living it without you two..

Thinking about the future is terrifying , but it's something we have to do. I hate waking up everyday and feeling worried, and dread and hurt and pain.. It's so scary, and I just.. Idk.

Honestly, I just cAme here to write you and tell you I love you, and miss you more then you will ever know Alena and Jamie.

Forever & always ..

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
 I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.. "

Hey sweethearts,

I sorry I didn't write you last night, but honestly I didn't have anything to say besides I love you, and I miss you.. And sad things and I've been trying to be better about that.

I opened up a little tonight and talked with a friend about you guys, my fears, my faith, my hurt and pain, my worries, etc. There is just so much and it felt good I suppose? Idk, he is a youth counselor/ pastor at his church and his mom is a therapist. I've been thinking for a while I need to go see one, and maybe she might help me/ us , maybe? But just talking with this friend actually meant a lot, and he is a wonderful, very faith filled , good hearted person. I don't know him too well, just met him a little while ago ( by your aunt Emmy) but you just get good vibes sometimes, and he def gave off those.

I'm trying to be better girls, I'm trying to let you rest in peace, and to give your names and lives a good remembrance/memory. I just hate this, and I know that will never change. I can't get over that everyday is just another day without you, that I am alone. And I know I have your daddy, and my family and friends.,, but without you girls, it's lonely, and it will always be lonely I feel. You were, you are my life, and now it's broken,..

I love you both so much, with my whole heart. Forever and always my beautiful girls..

I miss you ..

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
 I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Group

Hey baby girls,

We went to the Spartanburg group meeting tonight for the first time. I haven't been to that one yet because they hold it in the hospital , and I can't go back there, not yet.. Too much pain. I think I freaked out and had a panic attack , so we have just been doing Greenville, but tried this one tonight.

Debbie, our L&D nurse is one of the facilitators , and I was really worried about how I would feel/ be around her. It wasn't as bad as I thought, but those group meetings are always a hard, honestly. You would have been proud of your daddy, he opened up a lot more then usual, and I was very glad he did. I get worried he holds everything in, and doesn't want to upset me and it makes me feel good that he will talk and open up. It was a smaller group, 3 other couple besides us. There was also a pediatric chaplain there, and she really asked questions, that I hope help us all..

I feel I may need to start seeing a therapist, I'm actually not sure what I need or want. Besides you here.. That's really all I need.. It's all I want.

Before we left, sherry asked us what it is that we most need right now, what will help us. We didn't get to answer, so James asked me in the car, and I said faith. I just need faith in something, in everything. That we are gonna make it through this, together. That we will be able to give you siblings, here with us.. That I can make you proud...idk

All I know anymore is hat I love you girls, I love you with my whole heart.. And I always will. Forever and always.. I miss you so much..

Don't forget me, please..

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

You should be here.,

Hey sweethearts,

I'm not sure how things are going to be soon..  We are approaching one of your due dates.. May 22 was your official date, 40 weeks. But with you being twins, we were looking more at April 22.. And that is in 5 days. I should be a huge big preggo lady, feeling you two be cramped and rolling around and causing me to be uncomfortable, but the happiest person in the world, because it would mean i would be meeting you two in just a few short days..

But tonight I don't get that, or any other night, I get to just write this blog, and pray to you, and say goodnight at your special place on the wall..

By I hope to have faith, and to make it through this with your daddy, I hope we can girls, I truly do..

I love you, and I miss you. More then anything... Always & forever baby girls.. Always

Xoxo, mommy

Goodnight babies

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Hey babies,

I love you. I miss you both so much.

I love you..

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Miss you

Hey love bugs,

Today I had a breakdown with one of my clients. She is a good friend of mine as well, and I have been through a good bit with her. She has went through some really hard and dark times in her life, and I've been with her through many of it. But one thing is that she has prevailed through it all.. With her faith.

She has recently been diagnosed with a rare and deadly form of MS , it causes her to have seizures, short term memory loss ( some form of dimensia) , and her body suffers from easy bruising, severe aches and pains, and various other problems. She is 30 years old, and she has been told it is terminal. She has a little boy and 2 little girls, one of which was lost due to miscarriage. She also lost her mom at a young age, and recently lost the last member of her family on her mothers side. She has battled with depression, and drug addiction. She almost lost her husband, and her children. But through it all, she said she's not afraid, that she has made peace with the fact she is going to die, and that it's not that part that she is scared of, she says " what could be better then being with Jesus?" She says she is most afraid that the only memories her children will have of a mother, is a stepmother.

She comes in and we talk and talk, and the last couple of times I've seen her I've broken down and cried, and she cries with me and prays, and we just help each other. I told her today I don't understand anything , why you're not here, why his happened, and how hard every day is to get through, how hard it is to wake up everyday without you here.. And how since last time I saw her.. I write in my journal your aunt emily got me.. And say how thankful I am I can remember.. That even though my time tip you was far too short, I can remember it, I can remember you..

And I am girls. I got cheated in so many ways with you,, we all did. And I feel you did, that we have SO much love to give, and it was all for you beautiful girls, and you won't get it, at least for now.. But I know you, and I felt you, and I saw your beautiful faces and hands and feet and everything, and I can remember you. I pray every night to see you in my dreams, and I pray every night that you remember me..

Don't forget me please, don't forget your mommy. I love you both so much, you are my world, you're my everything... Not a day goes by that you aren't on my mind..

I love you Alena Marie and Jamie Rae.. I love you.

Goodnight sweet girls, I miss you..

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Selfish

Hey loves,

Sometimes I don't know if I'm being a horrible person for being jealous of people who can continue to have kids, who are pregnant, or can get pregnant easily.. Or just being selfish. But then I think, how is that selfish, if all I was asking for was a healthy pregnancy, healthy babies, and for you to be in my arms right now??? I don't think that is selfish at all, but apparently in some way it was..

Today church was about not questioning the mystery of God , but living it. Many things happen that we consistently ask " why?" To, but we more the likely are never going to get our answer. And honestly, there wouldn't be a good enough answer in the whole world of why you aren't here with me, with us, with your family...

My sweet baby girls I miss you every day, I love you moe everyday. I think I am getting a little bit better every day. No day is ever going to be 100% again, because that would mean you being here, and you're not.. But I think about you constantly , and I hope we will be able to have a family for you girls, to give you more to be proud of ..

I love you so so much, so very much more then you will ever know..

Goodnight sweet baby girls, I love and miss you.. Forever and always.

Xoxox, mommy
 

" I'll love you forever
 I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Cherish

Hey my sweet baby girls,

Today was an ok day. I think that days from now on are just going to be ok, some may be better then others, but still just ok.

I miss you a lot. It's so hard to understand how we just go on, and keep waking up to this same nightmare but its life, and life isn't fair. Luckily the life you are living everything makes sense, and you will always me happy. I wish I was with you..

I love you both so much, and just want you to always know. I think about our time together often, cut way too short. But I'm thankful I felt those kicks, and those roll overs, and saw your beautiful faces on the u/s screen. You made me the happiest mom in the world, and I feel sometimes I'm not allowed to say that's what I am, because Maybe I'm not.. But I am your mom, always and forever.

Miss you love bugs so so much. Don't forget me , ok?

I LOVE YOU ALENA MARIE AND JAMIE RAE

xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
 I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

3 months

Happy 3 months today loves,

We let off balloons again today.. Idk how but I swear every time we do something like this, it ends up messing up in some way. Today we were taking your balloons to the carnival to let them off on the Ferris wheel, and one popped. I was so upset, so we just let the yellow one go and said we love you and miss you..

I'm so sorry I never get to be with you on these days , and to spend the special milestones with you.. I hope you are having better and better days everyday up there, life isn't so great down here.. Without you.

I love and miss you so much, always & forever..

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Hey pretty girls,

I'm sitting outside on the back patio writing this blog to you tonight. It's absolutely beautiful out, it's cooled down a little, not so muggy anymore, and it's dark.. Quiet.

I'm sitting out here alone thinking, or trying to not think about certain things. Life is so hard, it's so confusing. One minute you are the happiest person in the world, positive and free and happy go lucky.. The next minute life throws you a curve, and you are run off track. I'm so thankful you will never experience a day of pain, a day of anguish or sadness.. A day of regret. You will only ever know beauty, and happiness, and love and living a full life in a much better place.. You are the lucky ones. Although that doesn't make me any less selfish in wanting you here.

I think about you all the time. Tomorrow will be 3 months that we said goodbye, and held you for the last time.. I'm so sorry everyday, and I'll never get to tell you that enough.. I'm so so sorry.. Pleas forgive me.

I miss you so much, and think about you constantly. I'm scared I'm going to forget.. That scares me everyday that it might happen .. But I won't let it, I could never forget your beautiful faces and spirits.

Goodnight my loves, may you always feel and know my love for you two.

I LOVE YOU. ALWAYS AND FOREVER.

Xoxo mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

I love you.
And there isn't anything I wouldn't do for you.. Don't ever forget how much I love you, and how much I miss you. I think about you both everyday.. I love you.

Goodnight sweet girls, mommy loves you forever & always ..

Xoxo

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

My heart

Hey my sweet girls,

Today was an ok day, same as every day.
I was just writing to say goodnight, and how much I love you and miss you sweet girls. I didn't have much to say, and I'm trying to be better..

I love you VERY much and miss you a lot.
Goodnight sweet baby girls.
Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
 I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Hey

Hey my sweet babies..

I miss you so much. We are coming up pretty soon to when you should've been debuting your arrival .. I'm not quite sure how i will be feeling these next couple of weeks. I'm hoping i cAn keep it together, for me and your daddy's sake.

Sometimes I feel horrible, because I cant keep it together. That I'm sad everyday. I can keep it together at work, so I believe that is something, but once I get back home, by myself or right before bed, I lose it all. I just can't help but think about all I'm missing, without you two here.

But I got on here to tell you how much I love you, and how much I miss you. How much I am thankful you are not suffering, in any pain, or sad..

I miss you love bugs, and I love you even more..

Xoxo, mommy * always & forever*

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be,."

Hope.

Hey beautiful girls,

Just writing you to check in, and let you know how much I love you ( which is more then you will ver know) and how much I miss you.

We went to reedy river falls in Greenville today, and there were so many places I would have loved to taken you, to take pictures of you at, to play with you two.. I miss you so much.

Please remember me.. I don't go a day not thinking of you girls, ever.. I love you..

Xoxo, mommy

Goodnight..

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

I'm sorry.

Hey babies, I'm so sorry I didn't write you last night,

I feel like I'm trying to figure out how to write you. Your aunt Emily got me a notebook to write ONLY positive thoughts, notes, quotes, etc in, and on here ( as much as I try to be positive) I usually end up writing sad things and negative things, and I keep promising to do that.

I think that I will write when I can tell you about how my outlook is being positive again, and how faith is keeping me afloat and pushing me to better.. How your family are the most important people here, and how they keep me alive. I feel I burden enough people with my sad days, and my hurt days, And how my negativity is taking over me. I want to bring and share with you good things, and always let you know how much I miss and love you.

So with that, I will say goodnight and wake up tomorrow, trying to be a better person, for you two girls.. You are my inspiration in all I do.

Goodnight beautiful babies, mommy loves you so so so much. I miss you..

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you FOREVER
I'll like you for ALWAYS
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

I love you baby girls.. So so much..

Goodnight love bugs

Goodnight, xoxo mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be..."

Tired.

Hey love bugs,

Today was a really bad setback for me, I went to the doctor today just to help with my anxiety.. I'm so nervous and scared about every little thing now, it's a really horrible way to feel. When I left , I was feel really bad, so I went over to grandpa and grandmas new house and talked with your grandpa. He made me feel better, it was just really nice to get to sit and talk with him.. I don't get to do that often, and it reminded that I need to make more time for that..

I keep writing you about how sAd I am and how bad the days hAve been, I'm so sorry girls.. That's exactly what I said I wouldn't do, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for so many things, I can't begin to tell you..

Please just always remember how much I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU. I miss you loves bugs...always & forever..

Goodnight babies
Xoxo mommy

" I'll love you forever
 I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

I love you.

Hey sweet baby girls,

I've been thinking about you, well .. I always think about you..

I miss you both so much.. Don't ever forget that you two are my everything, you are my life, you are my heart..

Goodnight baby girls, momma loves you so so much. Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Frustrated.

Hey baby girls,

I love you. I'm just so frustrated lately, frustrated with myself, with life, with your dad. I feel like I just need a break, to just be alone.. Although that's what I feel I am all the time.. Alone. But i think about you both often, and pray to see you .. To feel your presence..

Goodnight my sweet baby girls, I love and miss you both more then you will ever know..

Always & forever..

Xoxo mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."