Why?

Hey my beautiful baby girls,

I thought I was doing ok today, but I'm afraid tonight is going to be hard. I'm going to read And pray some before bed, I'm hoping it will bring me some peace.

Your aunt and uncles friend had her baby yesterday, and it really upset me. Not in the way of wishing ill On her or her baby.. But how it seems its so hard for us, and I'm so so worried.. Deep down in my heart I am afraid this is the starting and ending point for us, that this is it. And how we should have been having such an exciting, amazing beautiful moment with you two just a month ago, and it was stolen from us..

I can believe how many milestones I'm missing, that we are missing together. I'm sitting her thinking about how I won't see you go to school, your first date, your first dance.. Your wedding. I wont get to do your hair, your daddy doesn't get to walk you down the aisle.. I won't see your babies. GAHH I JUST HATE ALL OF THIS! YOU SHOULD BE HERE, OR WE SHOULD BE TOGETHER!!!! I'm not screaming at you.. I'm just hurting and yelling in my heart and head.

But I can focus on seeing you again, on being positive and trying to be a good person, a good Christian so I know when the day comes.. I will be running through those gates to see your beautiful faces.. And I can promise you on the entirety of my heart, of my soul, I'll NEVER ever put you down or spend a sec away from you. I promise.

Goodnight my beautiful angels, one more day down.

I love you so so so very much. I miss you always.

Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living.
My babies you'll be.."

Outside

Hey my sweet girls,

Today your daddy and I got up early and out in the yard today. We cleaned up the mulch beds around the house, trimmed bushes, filled the sink pit in the yard, and power washed the house. We had a busy , long day. I appreciate the busy days sometimes, distraction from how hard and quiet this house is just by ourselves. Although nothing or anybody fully distracts from losing you two sweet girls, sometimes I can get through some days a little easier or not as sad.

I love you sweet baby girls, I love you so so much. I'm so sad, I'm just really sad. I wish my arms hurt from holding you two so much, and that I was so tired because you never let me sleep, or that our trash was overflowing with stinky diapers.. Idc if that sounds crazy, because it is my deepest and biggest wish/prayer or whatever else it could be.

Goodnight my sweet angels, I love you baby girls so very very much.

Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be."

Hey sweet things,

Not a lot going on today, but I still wanted to write you and say goodnight and I love you anyways , so ..


Goodnight baby girls.

Mommy loves you.

Always & forever..

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Time.

Hey my sweet baby girls,

I feel ok today. I think that is my new word for people. I'm not good , I'm ok. I guess I should really be saying something better or more cheery, but that's not me right now. The me now is " ok, getting by , here aren't I ?" Idk.

But my sweet angels, I wanted to just write and say goodnight and let you know how much I truly love you and miss you.

Always & forever baby girls

My sweet sweet angels, you are always in my heart. One more day down..

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Goodnight

Hey sweet girls,

We had another bible meeting tonight. We went a little earlier tonight, Diana invited us over for dinner and dessert. It was really nice. I enjoy getting to do this with your aunts and other very strong morally and spiritually people. I like to consider of try to it myself in this group, I know I struggle daily with being a good person, so I hope most of the time my trying is better then nothing.

One of the girls there, her name is Paige, is really great to listen to. She's very strong in her spiritually and every time i talk about something with you two about how hard it is, and how I can't understand it, and how much pain I'm in, she knows of a verse And how God is strong, and how he will Make us strong and help us through this. That's not all or exactly what she says, but it's nice to hear from someone, since I am struggling so. I have also started reading the bible, and am getting guided through the chapters. I hope this brings you some joy girls, in how I'm trying to become a more Godly person , a better Christian. It all brings me closer to you, which every day does..

Goodnight my beautiful baby girls, I love you I love you very very much.

Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Today.

Hey my beautiful babies,

I had a really bad night last night, and didn't sleep well, so today was basically a lazy day. I went to therapy, cAme home and took a much needed nap, hung out with grandma and the obriens today. I tried not to let myself get too worked up today and kind of just think about things last night. Trying to sort things out in my head and my heart.

I love you two sweet girls, very very much. Everyday I pray hard and deeply that you feel this love and that you know my love for you. That you know you are every thought in my head, every beat of my heart.

Goodnight my sweet beautiful angels, I love you always and forever.

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Trying.

Hey my sweet babies,

I just want you to know I am trying, I don't want to fail you. I fear I am going in the wrong directions a lot of the time, and I really don't care about pulling myself out. But then I think about you two, and it's what makes me care. I know in my heart I'm only here because I don't want to ever lose my chance of seeing you two again, it's what makes me get up in the morning. Yes, some days are better then others and I'm making it, but I'm still just a broken mess of who I used to be. Its heartbreaking to wake up every single day because of work or just because its time to get up, not because your babies are crying because they are hungry or because they need you.

I'm so hoping therapy helps me, that I can pull some positivity back into my life, because I'm afraid I'll just dig myself into the ground if I can't . But I will girls, I hope I will .

Goodnight my beautiful sweet angels, I love you dearly. And miss you so very much.

Always & forever

Xoxo mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Sweet rememberance

Hey baby girls,

Today father Ted was at church, And it was so nice to see him. He has been very busy visiting other countries and doing ministry work, so we haven't see him in a while. I really enjoy his sermons and seeing him at church, he is so enthusiastic and I feel I can get so much more out of church when I hear him. That's what I want, when we go, I love feeling so energized and close to God , it's actually what I need, what your daddy and I do.

Your aunt Ashley wrote me earlier tonight, and told me your cousin delaney was crying and screaming because of the thunder, it was scaring her, and they told her that her cousins Jamie and Alena were bowling with God. She then proceeded to get her bowling pins and balls out and wanted to bowl too. Then, she told them that " aunt cheese babe bowl , at aunt cheese house." Which means ( aunt Chelsey babies bowl at aunt chelsey house.) Did you visit her? I hope you did. I always get so worried and sad because she didn't get to meet you, and know you. But I want you to know I will tell her all the time about you when she is old enough to understand. Although you may have already told her everything by then.

I love you baby girls , I'm having a bad night tonight. I love you and miss you so much, and everyday hurts still. Some days don't hurt as much as others, but they still hurt none the less.

I love you and I miss you so very very much.

Goodnight my sweet baby angels..

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Hey pretty girls,

Not much going on today. I worked a little and then your daddy and I went swimming for a little. Just a normal night, you know we aren't busy bodies, just homebodies and are boring.

I love you so much. I hate nighttime girls, I really do. It's honestly the hardest part of the day every day, and I just wish I could skip it all together. I hate it.

I love you. I love you very much. And I miss you tremendously. My Heart hurts so much from missing you...

Goodnight my sweet angels,

I love you girls. Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Tired.

Hey sweet girls,

Today was a busy day. I worked all day and then afterwards went right over to grandma and grandpas for pizza and pie. Your grandma makes the best apple pie, I'm not a big fan of pie but I do love hers very much. We then all sat and watched a movie and we are finally home.

I'm so thankful we get to do all these family things and be together and hang out, but it never feels quite the same anymore to me... We're are missing two such important people at the table with us, and it just really sucks girls..

I love you baby dolls. I love you so much more then you will ever know.

Goodnight my sweet darlings.. I love you and miss you.

Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Love.

Hey pretty girls,

Tonight I am writing you to tell you how much I love you. How much you mean to me. How special , beautiful and amazing you are. How you ARE my children, and no matter what anyone, and I mean ANYONE says, you are my first and second, my girls. Your time here did and does matter, and you are just as much a part of my life as anyone who has been there the whole time.

And although it makes me catch my breath and panic some because I get caught off guard when people ask if I have any children even though you aren't here, the question is always yes, because you are and forever will be my baby girls.

I love you Alena and Jamie, I love you so very dearly.

I miss you both so very very much.. This house is far too quiet and lonely without you two.

Goodnight baby girls, I love you.

Xoxo, mommy

Always & forever

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be."

Maybe

Hey baby girls,

I'm writing you late tonight. Your aunt Emily and aunt Ashley invited me to a bible study group tonight for woman. I've never been, and it felt good to go. I'm trying girls, I'm really trying to open my eyes and to see what kind of person I need to be, for you two. I want to be the best I cAn be, and I feel .. I HOPE I am going in the right direction. I want to show myself I can be, not just say it.

Goodnight my beautiful angels, I love you And miss you so very dearly.. I love you Alena Marie and Jamie Rae

Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

3 years.

Hey pretty girls,

Today was your daddy and mine 3 year anniversary. It was a nice day for us. We normally go all out for each other on it, but this year I asked your daddy not to. Too much has been going on, and I just figured we would just be low key. It was weird because we always spend them together and he worked most of the day , but what can you do I guess. At least we have each other.

It was also a really weird hard day because I had known in my heart that we would have kids by the time we reached 3 years, I guess I should clarify and say children here on earth with us. So it really bothers me that here we are reaching another celebration.. But not getting any farther ahead.

I went to my first therapy session today. I think you girls would be proud of me for going. I cried a lot, and shared our story.. I'm just hoping to get some help girls. I need to be a better person, a more faithful person. I want to honor you and cherish you, and make you proud. I really want to be all that I can be for you.. And I hope some day I will be.

Goodnight my beautiful angels, I love you more then life itself.

I miss you and I love you..

Always & forever

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be..."

Oh girls

Hey sweetie pies,

Today was just another day. I worked a longer day today, but it wasn't that bad. Debbie our nail tech was wanting to try out a new nail technique on me, so I had her give me a pedicure. That prolly helped my feet not hurt too bad today.

I feel like I was ok today, some people still make stupid comments but I just learn to deal with it I suppose, I guess people just don't care to think about what they say . I miss you both a lot, and think about you constantly. You are always on my mind, affecting every decision or choice I make.. I miss you baby girls, I miss you both so very much.

I love you Alena and Jamie, my angels. I hope you girls truly know how much I love you.. How much you are truly loved. You have changed so many people's lives, touched so many people. You tiny footprints have made such a mark on this world, on my heart.. Forever you will be remembered as what you are.. Amazing.

Goodnight my beautiful angels, I love you. I love you I love you.

Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
 I'll like you for always
 As long me I'm living
My babies you'll be.l"

Tired.

Hey baby girls,

Tonight I'm just writing to say goodnight. I think your daddy did ok today, like I've said before even if he was having a hard day.. He doesn't really show it. Me on the other hand, I wear my heart on my sleeve unfortunately, and everyone knows.

I'm just so tired, I'm so tired of this all.. I just wish you were here or I was there.. This is just too hard sometimes.

Goodnight my beautiful angels, my beautiful Alena and Jamie.
Mommy loves you oh so very very much..I miss you baby girls..

Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long me I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Save a place for me

Hey sweet peas,

Today was ok. I worked a good little bit today. I just don't understand people, the things they think to say , what they think will help or what sounds good to say.. I just really don't. I understand many dont know how to react to something as horrible like this, gees I don't even know how to.. I just had someone say something today that just hit me wrong, and made me feel bad for awhile.

But I just wanted to write you and tell you how much I love you , which is so very very much. I miss you baby girls, I love and miss you so much . Save a place for me, I'll be there soon..

I love you sweet girls, always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Another day

Hey sweet baby girls,

Today was another day, just that. I worked a little and then your uncle Patrick made your daddy a late birthday meal, so we all hung out for a little bit tonight.

Father's day is coming up, and I'm not sure if it will be hard on your daddy or not. Knowing him, he will probably say he is ok and doing fine even if he's not, but I truly hope it isn't too hard of a day for him.. We already have too many of them.

I miss you both so much, and love you so very dearly. I write this all the time, multiple times in these posts, but I just have to keep telling you.. And letting you know. It's so hard to have to do this, to tell you these things on this blog, to say them to the ceiling and hope you are hearing them in heaven.. To pray and pray and pray and feel like no one is listening or can help ease this pain.. Girls please just know, just know in your hearts my love for you, my ache for you..

I love you I love you I love you, so so very much. Goodnight my beautiful sweet angels, oh how I miss your beautiful beautiful faces..

Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Grandparent group

Hey baby girls,

Today was ok. I didn't have too long of a day at work, an easy one. I have to work the next couple of weekends though so that's gonna be kinda rough.

Tonight was group. We were told last time about bringing family , so I had your grandpa, grandma, and aunt Emily come. At first I told them they could stay home, and I changed my mind last minute so I made them late.. I felt bad. Everyone had at least their mom there, and then sisters, cousins, but grandpa was the only grandpa there.. I was very glad he came. I know losing you has caused him so much pain, I get worried about him .. But he came and I was so very grateful they all did. Your grandma and aunt Emily talked a little, and It made me feel good that they felt they could open up and talk, and I learned some things about how they feel that I didn't before. I'm so thankful for them girls, im so thankful that this is your family. It causes me so much pain to think that though, because how you won't know them now. But as long as we can send you our love, I guess that should be enough , right??

God, idk. What's enough to send you, what's enough to feel, what's enough crying, enough pain, enough hurt?? I always cry at these meetings, I try not too. But it's like getting together and talking about our pain, our losses.. It just brings it all up again. Maybe that's apart of the grieving process? Who knows anything about grief, except that it sucks, and screws up everything in your life. You weren't supposed to come so early, you weren't supposed to die, you weren't supposed to leave me .. I wasn't supposed to be a grieving mom. But things don't always go the way we plan or thee way they should I guess, just another thing for me to accept.

All I can say that is with my whole heart, my whole being, my whole soul is that I love you. You two are the best parts of my life, my very being. My daughters, my loves of my life, my miracles. I love you to the ends of the world, and more. You are everything to me , absolutely everything. I'll never forget you, I'll never stop missing you, I'll never stop loving you with every ounce of my being.. Never. I promise baby girls.. I promise.

Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
 As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

5 months .

Hello my beautiful girls,

Today marks 5 months since we last saw your faces, 5 months since you graced us with your amazing presence, 5 months since I've had to say goodbye to my baby girls. The 12th of every month will never be the same anymore..

I miss you both so very much, so much every single day. I feel as though in some way I have accepted this is what has happened and as stupid as it is to just have to keep going on with your life, I do. I'm not saying its easy, it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do, and I question why every single day.. I'm not the same.. I can smile, I can Laugh, I can be ok.. But it's not like before and it won't be anymore.. Living life without you is hard, it's the worst thing I've ever had to do, and I feel it every day girls, every day.

So tonight with a heavy heavy heart, I say goodnight and I love and miss you so much. Each day brings me a day closer to you, and that I am thankful for.

Goodnight my beautiful baby girls, your mommy misses you so so very much.. I love you Alena Marie and Jamie Rae, I love you so much.

Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be..."

I can't believe it

Hey sweet girls,

Tomorrow will be 5 months since you left us for heaven. I can't believe that it's been that long.. Most days I feel as if I've just lost you yesterday, the pain is so deep and big. I can't believe I'm still here honestly..

Today was a longer day at work, I had a good steady day. I'm very tired right now, I've been standing on my feet for about 7.5 hours today, so I'm ready for sleep. That doesn't sound like much, but it hurts after a while.

I hope you know that I don't stop thinking about you, and I haven't forgotten one single sec from having you here with me. I'm always going to remember everything baby girls, I won't let myself forget ok? I promise I won't forget... I can't forget.

Goodnight my beautiful , beautiful baby girls.. I love you so so so very much. I miss you so..

Always & Forever sweet girls..

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Sometimes I don't know how to pick a title..

Hi sweeties,

Today was the first day I went back to work since the surgery. I think I did ok. I was kind of out of it for the beginning of the day, but did alright finishing up. The salon felt completely different to me walking back in, was kinda weird.

Today started out cloudy, with a lot of rain and tornado warnings in the afternoon, and nice around dinner time. Your daddy and I went for a very long walk after dinner, we had a nice time.. I kept thinking about how nice it would have been to be pushing you two in your strollers with us.

It's hard girls, it is. Every time I think about how nice something is or feel like I enjoy something.. I can't help but think about how much nicer it would be and how much more enjoyable things would be with you here.. Everything would be better..

Goodnight my sweet angels, I love you and miss you so so so so so much. Never ever ever forget that baby girls. You must always believe this, please.

I love you.. Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Hey babies,

We went to Nate's church today, he was preaching and I have been wanting to hear him so we decided to go and attend. Your aunt Emily , your dAddy and I all went. It was really different, but it was nice. The band was awesome, really great, and I loved the songs they were singing. They even made me tear up quite a few times..

I've made an appt to go and talk with his mom, I really hope it's going to help me girls. I need to be better. I need to be a good wife, a good daughter, sister, friend and person. I need to be a good mom.. And honestly I don't feel I am doing that, I'm afraid some times for everyone's sake that I am getting worse, when I am trying to be better. So put in some good words for me, look out for your momma will you?? I could use some extra help right now, some guidance and some reassurance that you are there, that you haven't truly left me..

I love you sweet baby girls, I love you.. I love you.

I miss you so much.

Goodnight angels, my sweet girls

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Crazy

Hey my pretty babies.

Today the rain actually stopped and gave us a break, and it was a much needed one. I believe everyone got outside and did their yard work today. It hasn't stopped raining for almost a week now..I'm not sure if it is supposed to start up again tomorrow, but it would be wonderful to have more sun.

I'm afraid that with everything that has happened girls, that your mom is really losing it. I find myself  somewhat going crazy, and having a really hard time with things. I'm not sure if my perception with reality and what i thought life was going to be like has completely reversed because of losing you two.. But I really feel somedays I am not myself anymore, and idk who I am. I feel like an out of body, that I am watching myself truly go off the deep end.. Your grandma says I've got to take some control and reel it back in.. Maybe this is what I want, and it worries me.

I keep saying and praying and hoping for positive things, but my mind is set on negative, and that that is all that is happening for me, so I guess I see it more then I'd like. I've gotta pull myself out of this hole, it's a very horrible, hard place to be.

Goodnight my angels, I love you very very much. I miss you. I'll pray for my dreams to be of you..

I love you baby girls, mommy loves you so much..

Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Tired..

Hey beautiful girls,

I don't have much to post today. I just wanted to write and tell you that I love you, I love you and I miss you very very much..

Goodnight my angels, mommy loves you.

Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Rainy day

Hi love bugs,

Today was just another rainy day. We seem to be getting a lot of those lately... Must be because of how disappointing and sad the world has become.

I've prayed today, and just kept asking the same things over and over. That you remember me, that you always know how much I love you, how much I miss you. And how very much loved and missed and remembered you are.. Every single day..

Goodnight my beautiful angels, I pray I dream of you tonight.. Please.

I love you both so very very much.. Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Pretty girls

Hey baby girls,

Your blog is acting weird today. I tried getting a prettier background for it, but now it's all weird. I'm going to fix it for you tomorrow.

Today was a slow, ok day. I just , I did a little better today I think. I just wanted to write you and tell you how much I love you , and how much I miss you beautiful girls. I think about you constantly , and just want you to know that. Every. Single. Day.

Goodnight my sweet beautiful angels, I love you both so very very much. I so wish every day I could wake up and this not be our life, but every day I am just reminded once again that it is.. And I have to  remember how to learn how to live it now without you.

I love you. I love you. I love you. I can't tell you enough. I miss you
Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Sweet

Hey baby loves,

Today was a nice day I spent with your grandma. We haven't been home for a while so we didn't have a lot of food, so she took me grocery shopping. I give her props, I'm not the nicest/happiest person to be around, but she still acts like I am ok to hang out with.

I miss you both so much. Why can't I do this? Why is everyday so scary? I feel I am going to wake up everyday and live my life in fear for the rest of my life. Everybody says I just need to make the choice to stop it, to not think like that and be positive and have a bright outlook.. But you know what, I honestly feel like I can't. I feel like I have let it go so far, and I can't feel it back it. But as I sit here typing this to you, ifeel like I should smack myself in the face. How wrong am I, how selfish? You didn't even get to experience this life here, and I still get to, and I am complaining to you or crying ..

You girls are my saving glory, my reasons for everything. I know I can't give up on you, on me, on us.. On our future. I have to keep trying, I can't disappoint you again.. I just can't. You make me want to be a better person, to try harder, to make the world know that you made the LARGEST difference I the world.. The most important footprints on my heart.

I love you sweet angels, thank you for being my everything.. For keeping my alive and making me remember how to breathe, when lately it's the last thing I want to do.

I love you baby girls, always & forever.. Never forget me.

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Silence

Hey sweethearts,

Today was an ok day. I laid around and was lazy for a while.. Just resting I suppose.

I am having such a horrible time lately.. I keep getting upset and remembering things so vividly. Painful memories, and I don't want them all to be so painful.. But girls they just are. I hope some day when I think about the beautiful and amazing time we had together, it won't bring so much sadness and tears. I'm so tired of asking the same questions, of feeling the same empty way every morning and every night .. I'm so tired of being alone without you. This is not my life, it just can't be..

I miss you both so much. I'm sorry.. I think everything is just bringing so much up to surface again. Idk girls, idk how to do this , how to go on without you. I'm doing a horrible job of it already , but at least I guess I can say I'm trying..

I love you, I love you so so so very much. Always & forever

Goodnight my sweet beautiful angels, oh how I miss you ..

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be... "

Sad

Hey sweet girls,

We are home now. We got home earlier today. It's been a really long day, so we are all very tired and worn out. I am really tired. I am glad to be home, and like I said yesterday, I feel better I can go back go our regular night routine..

I had a hard time on the plane home today, I was just looking out the window and started crying. Your daddy kept telling me not to cry , but idk girls sometimes its hard to talk to him. He's so sweet and he's always strong for me, but sometimes I just need to do what I need to do, and he doesn't understand.. Idk maybe I'm just rambling because I'm tired.

Goodnight my beautiful angels. I hope and wish and pray to dream of you tonight, as I wish every night..

I love you Alena and Jamie Roush.. Always & forever baby girls

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Baby girls

Hey sweet peas,

We are going home tomorrow morning. As much as I am thankful that we were able to make this trip and the wonderful opportunity we have been blessed with, I am very ready to go home. It's been very hard for me to not light your candle and say goodnight at your urn, it's been weird and I feel I need to be able to do that. I know that may sound weird , but it brings me peace and helps me to be able to do that .. Lets me feel like some sort of a mom, because a lot of times I don't, and it's hard.

I love you sweet peas, very very much. Every decision I make now is for you girls, And for a better future , for a more positive future. I love you girls. I need you to know that. I. LOVE. YOU. Always and forever, you are my sweet baby girls, my love bugs..

Goodnight my angels, I love and miss you.. Xoxo mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."