We shouldn't be here today..

Good morning my sweet angels. Today is your memorial, a " Mass of the Angels". It has also been a week since you went to heaven. I cant get ready today, im not quite sure what to do. What do you wear to your daughter's memorial, how do you look, how do you talk to people? 
Im not even sure how i can walk through those doors. We miss you so much. I have your ultrasound picture next to the bed and i kiss you both every morning and every night, actually more then that. I also have the blanket debbie laid you on and took pictures of you with, and i sleep with it now. I feel somehow i can be closer to you, even though i cant. We will be bringing your ashes home today, i dont know if that gives me some peace, to have you somehow here with me.. or scares me even more. I wont be able to walk by without talking to you, without letting you know what im thinking. 

Some of your family has come to visit, mostly from Michigan, Ohio, North Carolina and Georgia. I pray you know how much you are loved, you are so very much. Friends have been sending flowers, we even got flowers from some people i didnt even know knew i existed anymore.. that was quite a surprise. I want to take them up to the church for you, but i dont want to take away from your beautiful urn. I want all attention on you, even though i know nothing would defer from you in our thoughts. 

I feel so empty. Every day i do. My heart is broken and my body is empty. You arent there anymore, and you are supposed to be. I cant stand not feeling you move anymore, knowing you arent in there.. I miss it. I miss you. 

I know you are in a better place, much better then this world could ever be for you girls. I will admit i would get scared thinking about you growing up here, about how cruel and evil people are/ can be. But i promise you i would have protected you, i would have never let anything happen to you beautiful girls. Your daddy wouldnt have either. Actually, i know no one would have. I so wanted to take care of you, to be who you depended on, needed a shoulder to cry on, to whom you ran to when things got too hard. Ill never get to have that with you, and i just dont understand why. I think i would have been a good mom, i hoped and prayed everyday i would have & now i wont know. 

God, please be taking care of our little girls. Let them feel our love, just let them know that if anything, i need them to know how much they mean to me and how much we love them. I pray that they are happy & healthy and nothing will hurt them. I cant take care of them, so you have to. 

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as im living
my babies you'll be.. <3" 

I love you my sweet angels. I miss you and im sorry..