Daddy went back to work today, and I am alone. Your grandma keeps asking me to do things today, or if i need her to come get me, but I keep saying no. Being alone isn't as horrible as I thought, although every thought since i have been awake has been about you two.
The sun has been out since the day before your memorial, and I am glad for you. When you were born the rain didn't stop for a week. Your daddy said it was because God was mourning for us. It was like the world was crying with us, over losing you two beautiful angels. I needed that rain, I needed those horrible dreary days. When the sun came out I was mad, I wanted the days to keep being ugly and horrible because that is how I felt. But then I realized I needed the sun, because it reminded me of hope, and your beauty and where you are.
I'm not sure when I am going back to work, or if I even will. Right now all I feel is lost, that losing you has made me lose purpose in this world. I love your daddy with my whole heart , & your grandpa , grandma and aunts, but I can't help and feel I need to be with you. You two are my life, my whole being , everything since the day I found out we were pregnant. I know it's not my time, and I have to hold on so tightly that I WILL see you two girls again. I've gotten to the point I don't care how much pain I am in, physical or emotional , I am just praying for your happiness and healthiness . There isn't a thing you could've asked of me that I wouldn't have done for you, same goes for your daddy.
I know I say this in every post, but you need to know how much you are loved. Your aunt Ashley wrote a blogpost to you saying " if love would've saved you you would still be here." I know that to be the truth. Our love for you two tiny precious angels is so strong, and just as if you were here I know it to be stronger every single day. I love you I love you I love you.
I want to be pushing you in a stroller right now, letting the sun warm your sweet bodies, and enjoying this day with you. Instead I am writing you these letters , and praying ... Just praying.
We light the candle on your urn every night before bed and say a prayer to you. I feel it is something that brings us closer, and like I said, I need you to know how much we love you.
My sweet girls, please don't forget us. Don't forget me. For I will be there someday soon with you, and will never ever leave you or have you leave me again.
" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be "
I love you Alena and Jamie. Miss you every day. <3
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