Hey my sweet girls,
Today was your cousin Delaney's 2nd birthday. Your Aunt Ashley bought three pink roses today for you girls and Laney, said it was so you three could be together.. it was very nice of her. We went over there & ate dinner and Laney finally ate her cupcake, last year we couldn't get her to touch her cake. But now she is obsessed with sugar and everything sweet, so i guess it wasn't much of a surprise.
It was fun to get to see her and spend time with her. I find myself watching her do all her cute things like play with her kitchen stuff, twirl and dance, scream & giggle when you play with her, and feel happy and heartbroken at the same time. I love your cousin so much, she is an absolute doll. But it hurts my heart to think about everything i wont get to do with you, buy you, watch you do, hear you say.. Things that i shouldn't have had to think about missing, to think about what i wouldn't get to do with you, what you wouldn't get to do with me.
Sometimes i don't think that time will heal, i don't think it will help at all. Its scary to think that it will be 3 weeks soon since you've left us. I don't understand why time can move so fast now that you are gone, but when i was holding onto every ounce of hope that you would make it at least to viability, time didn't move. Just another why that will never get answered. I had to take the January page off the calendar , your daddy had made a countdown till 24 weeks, and i didn't want to look at it anymore, ridiculous huh? I miss you so much, Alena & Jamie. My heart hurts how much i miss you.
I had a hard time again today, it came and went. One of the girls clients that i used to work with at JCP came to the house today. She brought flowers from the girls at the salon and said she had a book she wanted me to read. It was nice to see her, and nice of the girls to send me flowers. We talked for a little. Then i went through the mail and we got some more cards today, and they made me cry. Everyone is being so thoughtful and nice, and i feel i have nothing more to say back except " Thank you." Its just too hard to talk to anyone, and i hate that, but it is. I just want to talk to you both, i want to kiss you, i want to get to take care of you.
I'm so lost without you both, so empty. I'm so hurt and i just don't know how to work my way through this, to get back to life. I'm stuck on January 12th, and i cant get out.. I miss you so much and cant believe every day i have to wake up and get through another day with out you both. What do i do anymore? Who am i with out you..
I am going to say goodnight. I hate writing depressing letters to you, i don't want you upset or feeling bad for me. Just stay happy and healthy up there, that's all i want for you both. Take care of each other, and don't forget how much WE LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU!!!! Especially your mommy, who doesn't go a second without thinking about you..
" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as i'm living
My babies you'll be.."
Goodnight Alena and Jamie, my sweet girls. Mommy loves you both so much. Ill hold you in my heart forever.
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