Another Day.

My dear sweet Alena & Jamie,

I went to your grandmas house today. Your daddy and grandma are worried about me being alone again, so i went over there. I watched a little bit of  Beauty and the Beast with your cousin Laney, she is obsessed with it right now. Then i ended up taking a nap for a little bit, and went to Target with your grandma. She is trying so hard to help me, God love her for it. I guess that's what moms are for, huh? That's what i thought i was doing for you, helping you.. but i guess it just wasnt enough.

I am not looking for a pity party, thats not what i want at all. I just feel like i am supposed to feel this pain, this hurt. But then i get scared and think that feeling like that will make your death be in vain.. and i would NEVER want that. You two precious girls are the light of my life, i want EVERYONE to know how special and amazing you are. 

I feel i am falling behind, faltering in my faith. I believe i have already told you that, but i think im losing it more everyday. There are so many unanswered questions, so many what ifs, whys and what else could we have done? I dont want this, i dont want to question God, i want to believe that you had a greater purpose, and he needed you more then me. I want to find peace, and i want to praise him for blessing me with your beautiful souls. But i am stumbling girls, im so hurt and dont feel i can do that, and i hate that i cant. You were such a big part of my life for such a small amount of time, but the truth is you will ALWAYS be a big part of my life. 

There are beautiful psalms and verses and songs and poems all about this pain, this suffering, this loss and how to see the light and praise him through this, to stay strong. I'm not strong, but im not too proud to ask for help. I need you Alena and Jamie, i need you to let me know you are ok, i need you to let me know you are happy. Please, please dont leave me alone. I need you girls, i need your strength. I cant do this by myself and its you two i need. I feel selfish asking you for that, when as your Mom thats what i am supposed to do for you, give you strength to persevere.. and i cant.

I fear this is my life now. Constant sadness, fear and hopelessness. Ive never wanted anything more then to have you in my life, to have you ripped away so suddenly, is like death. I feel like a walking ghost of myself. I dont want to talk to anyone, see anyone, be around anyone. And i dont want to be like that, because if you are looking down on me, i dont want that to be what you see, thats not who i am. I dont want you to look at me as a failure, i want to give you good examples of who i am, i want you to be proud of me, and im sure right now you arent sure what to think about me. But i won't be like this forever, i will make you proud to be my daughters, to be happy to have me as a mom. I hope.

I miss you girls, im never going to be able to really let you know how much i miss you. I need you to know that half of my heart left with you, and will always be with you. I wont ever be whole again without you, until we meet again. Thats when i feel i will be restored completely, i will be whole again. Hold on to my heart, dont let go. Im not ever going to let you go. I hold you so close to me, you are my world, my everything, my reason for living. You hold half of my heart, and i hold the other half, you two girls. Ill  be holding on tightly, always. 

Even though you were here such a short time, my life is forever changed because of you. To hear your heartbeats, to seeing your beautiful selfs on the screen, to feeling your movements.. it was all a miracle, you are my miracles. Ill never forget you, ill never get over losing you. 

Your daddy and i pray every night at your urn, with the little candle we light on it. I pray every night you remember us, you remember how much we loved/love you, and that you know how sorry i am. Maybe one day ill be able to accept it when i am told i did everything i could to safe you and it wasnt anyones fault we lost you, but for now i feel it is me, that i  failed you...

I love you Alena and Jamie, i will FOREVER love and miss you, my sweet, sweet angels.

"I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as im living
My babies you'll be."