Missing you..

Dear Alena & Jamie,

Today was.. hard. Your daddy and i decided to venture out and get the shadow box and some things we wanted for your girls things.. It started out ok. We headed to greenville to the Hobby Lobby and found your shadow box. We then used the giftcard from your Aunt Ashley & Uncle Patrick to go to lunch. 

That was really hard. Every where i looked their were babies, little girls. It made me miss you so much, it really hurt my heart. I know i have got to get used to seeing pregnant woman, babies, little kids, families, because they are everywhere. But it doesnt take the pain away, not at all. That was supposed to be us, we are a family. We should be setting you up in booster seats at the table with us, feeding you your baby food, pushing you around in your strollers. There are so many things ill never get to do with you, and i still cant get over that our dreams with you are on hold, i really cant. I miss you girls, i really really miss you..

I wanted to put up your ultrasound pictures, im not sure if they will go in the shadow box or on the mantel your daddy is making you, but i got some really pretty frames. They are pink and have flowers on them & say " Love at first sight" aint that the truth? You babies were truly love at first sight, love at first two pink lines!!! As soon as you find out, you truly are in love. Didnt matter that you were still just a little embryo, not even a baby yet, you were/are the loves of my life, and always will be. 

Your Aunt Emily and Aunt Ashley got me a very pretty necklace, a rememberance necklace. Its got your names, your birthdate & the saying, " Ill hold you in my heart until i hold you in heaven." Ill wear it forever, because that exactly what i have to do until i see you again. Aunt Emily wanted some u/s pics of you too, she put them in a frame and lit a candle for you tonight.

I know you can see all this love from your family, but how i wish with all my heart you were physically here to feel it. We all have so much to give, so much we wanted to give to you girls. It hurts so much i cant hug you, squeeze you and kiss you . I just want to rock you to sleep and tell you how much i love you both and how beautiful you are. How much you mean to me, to your daddy. How my life now is you, you two girls. There's just so much i dont get to do, and its so hard.

I dont want to be making this shadow box, i dont want to be saying goodnight to you with a candle. I dont want to be cuddling with your blanket , i dont want this. But its what i have, and im lucky to have that. My heart is hurting a lot tonight, i miss you two.

Mommy loves you. I love you both SO much. I always say this, please dont forget that. I pray everyday that you know that. I miss you, we miss you. 

" Ill love you forever
Ill like you for always
As long as im living
My babies youll be "

Goodnight beautifuls. Mommy loves you lots.. xoxo