I love you. How else do i begin this sentence, this blog? I havent spent a waking moment not thinking about you two, and i dont believe i ever will. It has almost been a week since your daddy and i lost you, and i dont feel it getting any easier. I dont feel this is real, im not sure if that is a coping mechanism or i just dont want to feel. Either way, it is. I keep telling your daddy that i dont feel i gave birth to you a week ago, that nothing feels like it should. Giving birth to you meant hearing you cry to tell me your lungs were strong, it meant seeing your beautiful eyes look up at me and us having our " Mommy Daughters connection", it meant kissing your beautiful faces & toes & fingers , and it meant you being alive.
It was the most heartbreaking, agonizing, traumatic thing that has ever happened to me, being told i was going to lose you two. After everything we had been through together, i thought we would have a fighting chance. I hope you know i wouldve done anything for you two, and i really thought i had. I know we had some rough patches, but i never would have thought this is how it ended. I never wanted to give up, i never would have. I never wanted to give you up, to never feel you in my stomach again, to never hear your sweet beautiful strong heartbeats again, & to stop seeing those beautiful babies up there on the ultrasound screen. You two were my life, you ARE my life. Your daddy and I had been waiting for you for so long, had prayed so hard for you, had wanted you more then i feel anyone has ever been wanted. And now you are gone.
I need you to know more then anything in this world , that i love you. WE love you. There isnt ANYTHING i wouldnt have done for you girls. I miss you so much, my heart is breaking every time i have to say that.
I need you to know i am sorry. I cant tell you how sorry i am. That my body couldnt hold you, that i couldnt take care of you any longer. Im so mad, i feel betrayed by myself. That i couldnt take care of you then but now my body wants to take care of you in different ways, its not right.
I was so excited, ectastic, beyond thrilled, grateful, thankful & blessed i was going to be your mommy! Everyone knew about you two, you were already always the topic of my every conversation with everyone. Every time you moved, rolled over, or i felt you in my belly, i couldnt help but smile. There is nothing in the world that will ever compare to that feeling, its amazing to have that connection, especially with you two. My sweet sweet girls, how will i ever get to tell you how sorry i am???
I feel we shared so much together, but lost so much. I hope you will remember the little things we did together, like rocking in the rocking chair before bed, daddy and i rubbing you to feel you move, the lullabye music i played on the iPad, the I love yous and cant wait to meet yous. I had so much planned for you, so many cute outfits, so many things i wanted for you. I cant believe i wont get to see you smile for the first time, i wont hear your sweet cooing noises, or your first roll over, crawl, walk , run, tooth or any of the firsts. I wont get to take you to school, or help you with homework, or help daddy with "boy issues". We wont get to take you dress shopping for your first dance, get you ready for college, or see you walk down the aisle. I cant believe i wont get to show you how much i love you, because i PROMISE you a day wouldnt have gone by that i would have let you forget that, never.
Your daddy was so excited, he knew you were going to be girls from the beginning. He kept saying he was going to have his hands full and he wouldnt know what to do. You wouldve loved him, i know i sure do. I was so happy and excited to get to see you 3 together, it made my heart so happy everytime he talked to you or rubbed my belly to feel you move. I wanted to see you through his eyes sometimes, because i loved him more the day i knew he was going to be a dad. His heart hurts so much, and he stays strong for me, but i know he misses you more then he can say. I know he cares so much about being there for me and wont cry, but hes heartbroken, he truly is. He loves you so much Alena and Jamie, he really does. He wanted so much for you too & doesnt understand, as we all dont, of why you are gone. You 3 are my everything.
This hasn't been easy for your aunts, uncles & grandparents either. Ashley and Emily are hurting, but let me tell you something, they have been so strong for me and your daddy. I am so thankful for them and grateful they are in our lives. They love you so much and it broke their heart to lose you two, but they are staying strong for us and i love them for it.Ashley says she talks to you every night before bed & tells you she is going to take care of us. They need their time to grieve too, and i know they love you so much. Grandma And Grandpa are helping, and i know they are hurting. Your grandpa has set everything up for your memorial tomorrow, while grieveing over your being gone. He has been a strong rock to lean on and i love him so much for being so strong. Grandma has always been there for me/us and i know she always will be. My heart hurts for them because they love you so, and i was so excited to get to bless them with more grandchildren, 2 more beautiful girls to play dress up and tea party with. Poor grandpa was surrounded by girls, but he couldnt have been happier. Your daddys family has been very supportive too. Im so thankful because they dont live close and your daddy really needs them right now. They love you so much.. so so much. My heart & body hurts so much that you wont be here to recieve all this love, there is so much to give you. I meant it when i said you would have never gone a day without knowing how loved you are, nobody would have let you.
Tomorrow is your memorial. A day to remember you, a day to grieve over you. Those things arent just a day for me, they are a lifetime. You will NEVER be forgotten, and i dont think i will ever stop grieving over you. Im sitting here writing this thinking about how i am not going to be able to sleep tonight, how waking up is going to feel like a nightmare. I will tell you i dont feel strong, i dont feel like i am getting any better. Your family has told me i am so strong, but i dont know about that. I dont feel strong at all, i feel broken, hurt, angry , betrayed.. empty. You are gone, and i am here. Its not the way its supposed to be, not at all. You are my baby girls, i am supposed to be your protector, your mother. I feel i have failed you, whether i have or not. I suppose that is something i need help with, but i am afraid i may feel that way forever..
You are beautiful. You are amazing. You are mine. The bond between us will never be broken, i wont let it. We got to hold you after you were born. Forgive me for being weak, i couldnt do it at first. I was terrified, you were gone, what would you look like? I am so thankful your daddy helped me build up the courage to see you, because im afraid i would have regretted it for the rest of my life. You were so tiny, these small little angels. You looked like you were sleeping, peaceful. I told you i loved you, i told you i was sorry and i missed you more then you will ever know. I also read you the little poem from the baby book " I'll love you forever". Your daddy and i cried together over losing you, and then we said our goodbyes and let you go... I love you
Our time was short, cut way too short. I dont understand why, and i guess we will never get to know. I am having trouble with my faith right now, i dont know why God would do this, why he would think he needed you more then we do. I am your mom, who would need you more? I know you are in Heaven, if there is one thing i know, it is that. Daddy says it will get easier, that it wont hurt as much. I want to believe him, but i dont see how that will be..
I will tell you that I am doing my best to rely on God, to come back and let him help us. I am trying..
I will end this post tonight with this: I love you. I wont ever forget you, i will miss you every day for the rest of my life. But i know you are safe, i know you are protected, and i know you are happy. Remember me, remember your mom and dad. Remember that everyone loves you, will always love you. You are in my heart, in my mind all the time. I will hold you there until i see you again my loves. Goodnight, i love you.
It was the most heartbreaking, agonizing, traumatic thing that has ever happened to me, being told i was going to lose you two. After everything we had been through together, i thought we would have a fighting chance. I hope you know i wouldve done anything for you two, and i really thought i had. I know we had some rough patches, but i never would have thought this is how it ended. I never wanted to give up, i never would have. I never wanted to give you up, to never feel you in my stomach again, to never hear your sweet beautiful strong heartbeats again, & to stop seeing those beautiful babies up there on the ultrasound screen. You two were my life, you ARE my life. Your daddy and I had been waiting for you for so long, had prayed so hard for you, had wanted you more then i feel anyone has ever been wanted. And now you are gone.
I need you to know more then anything in this world , that i love you. WE love you. There isnt ANYTHING i wouldnt have done for you girls. I miss you so much, my heart is breaking every time i have to say that.
I need you to know i am sorry. I cant tell you how sorry i am. That my body couldnt hold you, that i couldnt take care of you any longer. Im so mad, i feel betrayed by myself. That i couldnt take care of you then but now my body wants to take care of you in different ways, its not right.
I was so excited, ectastic, beyond thrilled, grateful, thankful & blessed i was going to be your mommy! Everyone knew about you two, you were already always the topic of my every conversation with everyone. Every time you moved, rolled over, or i felt you in my belly, i couldnt help but smile. There is nothing in the world that will ever compare to that feeling, its amazing to have that connection, especially with you two. My sweet sweet girls, how will i ever get to tell you how sorry i am???
I feel we shared so much together, but lost so much. I hope you will remember the little things we did together, like rocking in the rocking chair before bed, daddy and i rubbing you to feel you move, the lullabye music i played on the iPad, the I love yous and cant wait to meet yous. I had so much planned for you, so many cute outfits, so many things i wanted for you. I cant believe i wont get to see you smile for the first time, i wont hear your sweet cooing noises, or your first roll over, crawl, walk , run, tooth or any of the firsts. I wont get to take you to school, or help you with homework, or help daddy with "boy issues". We wont get to take you dress shopping for your first dance, get you ready for college, or see you walk down the aisle. I cant believe i wont get to show you how much i love you, because i PROMISE you a day wouldnt have gone by that i would have let you forget that, never.
Your daddy was so excited, he knew you were going to be girls from the beginning. He kept saying he was going to have his hands full and he wouldnt know what to do. You wouldve loved him, i know i sure do. I was so happy and excited to get to see you 3 together, it made my heart so happy everytime he talked to you or rubbed my belly to feel you move. I wanted to see you through his eyes sometimes, because i loved him more the day i knew he was going to be a dad. His heart hurts so much, and he stays strong for me, but i know he misses you more then he can say. I know he cares so much about being there for me and wont cry, but hes heartbroken, he truly is. He loves you so much Alena and Jamie, he really does. He wanted so much for you too & doesnt understand, as we all dont, of why you are gone. You 3 are my everything.
This hasn't been easy for your aunts, uncles & grandparents either. Ashley and Emily are hurting, but let me tell you something, they have been so strong for me and your daddy. I am so thankful for them and grateful they are in our lives. They love you so much and it broke their heart to lose you two, but they are staying strong for us and i love them for it.Ashley says she talks to you every night before bed & tells you she is going to take care of us. They need their time to grieve too, and i know they love you so much. Grandma And Grandpa are helping, and i know they are hurting. Your grandpa has set everything up for your memorial tomorrow, while grieveing over your being gone. He has been a strong rock to lean on and i love him so much for being so strong. Grandma has always been there for me/us and i know she always will be. My heart hurts for them because they love you so, and i was so excited to get to bless them with more grandchildren, 2 more beautiful girls to play dress up and tea party with. Poor grandpa was surrounded by girls, but he couldnt have been happier. Your daddys family has been very supportive too. Im so thankful because they dont live close and your daddy really needs them right now. They love you so much.. so so much. My heart & body hurts so much that you wont be here to recieve all this love, there is so much to give you. I meant it when i said you would have never gone a day without knowing how loved you are, nobody would have let you.
Tomorrow is your memorial. A day to remember you, a day to grieve over you. Those things arent just a day for me, they are a lifetime. You will NEVER be forgotten, and i dont think i will ever stop grieving over you. Im sitting here writing this thinking about how i am not going to be able to sleep tonight, how waking up is going to feel like a nightmare. I will tell you i dont feel strong, i dont feel like i am getting any better. Your family has told me i am so strong, but i dont know about that. I dont feel strong at all, i feel broken, hurt, angry , betrayed.. empty. You are gone, and i am here. Its not the way its supposed to be, not at all. You are my baby girls, i am supposed to be your protector, your mother. I feel i have failed you, whether i have or not. I suppose that is something i need help with, but i am afraid i may feel that way forever..
You are beautiful. You are amazing. You are mine. The bond between us will never be broken, i wont let it. We got to hold you after you were born. Forgive me for being weak, i couldnt do it at first. I was terrified, you were gone, what would you look like? I am so thankful your daddy helped me build up the courage to see you, because im afraid i would have regretted it for the rest of my life. You were so tiny, these small little angels. You looked like you were sleeping, peaceful. I told you i loved you, i told you i was sorry and i missed you more then you will ever know. I also read you the little poem from the baby book " I'll love you forever". Your daddy and i cried together over losing you, and then we said our goodbyes and let you go... I love you
Our time was short, cut way too short. I dont understand why, and i guess we will never get to know. I am having trouble with my faith right now, i dont know why God would do this, why he would think he needed you more then we do. I am your mom, who would need you more? I know you are in Heaven, if there is one thing i know, it is that. Daddy says it will get easier, that it wont hurt as much. I want to believe him, but i dont see how that will be..
I will tell you that I am doing my best to rely on God, to come back and let him help us. I am trying..
I will end this post tonight with this: I love you. I wont ever forget you, i will miss you every day for the rest of my life. But i know you are safe, i know you are protected, and i know you are happy. Remember me, remember your mom and dad. Remember that everyone loves you, will always love you. You are in my heart, in my mind all the time. I will hold you there until i see you again my loves. Goodnight, i love you.
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