Yesterday was your memorial. It was definitely one of the worst days of my life, second to the day i found out we were going to lose you. We walked into the church and your urn was up at the front , it's very beautiful ( two pink angels for my angels), along with a beautiful bouquet of flowers your 2nd cousin Autumn bought you. We also brought along 2 pink flowers for you , and so did your Aunt Ashley. We placed the 2 single ones she brought in front of your urn, and ours were in a vase behind. We sat right up in front of you. I almost got sick seeing you up there like that, in a box. There are so many things wrong with this picture i dont even know where to start...
We sang beautiful songs for you, and read verses. Father Ted had a beautiful homily about you. I hope you heard him reading the letter your Grandpa Paul wrote for you, it was so unbeliveably sweet, we all cried. There was so much sadness, so much suffering yesterday. While it was to be a celebration for your two beautiful souls, it was hard to keep it together. I feel like i cant cry enough, or hurt enough.
There were a bunch of family and friends that came to your memorial. I didnt see half of them because i couldn't turn around and address people, especially when i felt i was looking exactly where i needed to be, at you two. It was so hard to talk to everyone, but we had to. Memorials and Funerals are hard like that, even though everyone knows its too hard to talk, you have to say address everyone and thank them for coming, because its the polite thing to do. I know a lot of people didnt know what to say/do, an infant loss.. how do you help someone or say something to help them? As Father Ted said, There are no human words that are going to console us, nothing to help us understand..
Last night we all stayed the night at grandpa and grandmas. It was nice, you were there too. We ate food and just were all together. I feel like it helped me get some sleep being around them, they always help me. Your poor daddy had a very hard time last night, and i feel like im not strong enough for him sometimes. This has just broke our hearts, and im not sure how to put them back together again girls. From the moment we knew we were having you, i couldnt explain the joy and elation of being parents, let alone to two beautiful amazing miracles!! There was / is so much we wanted for you, to do for you, to give to you..
Laney stopped at pointed at your urn a couple of times, wanted to touch it. I think in some way she understands, but not really. Its sweet to think she does. She accidentally fell off her bed this morning and started crying, and i lost it. I WANTED to do that with you, console you when you cried, help you feel better when you got hurt, took care of you. I wanted so many little things that people take for granted with you, and ill never have it.
I will never be able to accept why this happened to you, to us, our family. I guess thats the point, there isnt any way to accept it. Its an absolute tragedy, losing your beautiful souls. I wake up everyday and go to bed every night with you two girls on my mind. Nothing is the same anymore.. and yet i feel i just have to push on. Sometimes i find myself wishing God would take me away too, take me to you. That that is where i need to be. But then your daddy reminds me that i need to stay with him, and that you wouldnt want that, its not my time to be with you. But i want to be with you, i want to hold you and kiss you and love you with every being in my body. I want to be your Mommy.
Grandma reminded me today that you will want to see me happy , to not always see me in pain, and to see me cope with this. I know that, because i dont want you to be in pain, but i feel i need this hurt, this pain. That i still feel its my fault, that i didn't fufill my " Motherly Duties". I know they say i did everything i could, but i havent found peace with that yet.
Why you are gone, we will never know. But i know i will spend everyday letting you know how much i love you, how much i miss you, and how sorry i am i cant be there with you. Please know as your Mommy there is nothing i wouldnt do for you, and that i wish i would have gotten the chance to show you that. You, sweet angels, are forever in my hearts & i will never EVER let you not know that.. how i wish i could kiss your sweet faces..
" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as im living
My babies you'll be.. "
AMR JRR - I love you.
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