Goodnight my girls

My sweet angels,

I hope you know not a minute goes by that i don't think about you, that i feel so much love for you i think my half of heart cant handle it.. Its been a week and 4 Days since we said goodbye, and it sometimes feels like it was just yesterday, and sometimes it feels like its been forever.. Time is of no value anymore.

I have been keeping a close eye on all your beautiful flowers. Your daddy and I are not very good with keeping plants alive, but i am trying my hardest. They are all so beautiful and it makes me very upset when they start wilting, but i guess thats understandable. I told your Grandma today that i was going to make sure we ALWAYS had two beautiful pink roses to put by your urn. They look so pretty over there , i want you to get to see them everyday. 

Today was a harder day. I really felt lost, and i've finally just given up. Your daddy came home and tried talking to me, but i didnt want anything to do with it. Your grandma, grandpa and aunt Emily came over to talk, all pretty upset with me for not talking with them. It took a while & a lot of talking, but i feel a little bit better. I think i have reached the "angry" stage in this thing called grieving. Angry with the world, angry with myself, angry with God. I pretty much made up my mind that i dont believe in him anymore, and i lost my faith. The thing is, i think a big part of the reason i was so upset earlier because i was feeling that way. I dont want to lose my faith, i want to know and to feel it. I want to have faith that you are watching down on us, that you are our guardian angels. I dont know if it hurts so much to think that because i am selfish and i want you HERE not anywhere but here, with me, with us, or because it is the truth, you are up there and not here.

This pain, this agonizing hurt of losing you, is sometimes too much. I still dont know how to cope, how to recognize that you are gone and not coming back. Its just too much. I wouldnt wish this on anyone ever, losing a child.. it is beyond what your heart and mind can understand. Like ive told you before, you girls have half my heart, it left with you. But rest easy knowing i have the other piece, and we will be whole again, one day...

My biggest fear in losing you is that ive lost faith in myself. Im terrified of every day because its another day with out you, but then again i wake up everyday hoping this is all one big horrible nightmare and you are still here. It always is the same result, im here and you two are not. Im scared, im so scared im going to forget, and i dont ever want that to happen. I feel bad when i start to feel like i can be ok, that its ok to feel like things are normal/ going to be normal. I know im supposed to accept that its going to be, but it doesnt feel right.. i guess yet. Your grandpa said something that really got to me, " The pain isnt going to fade, its just going to dull ,but you are never going to forget them." 

Im still trying to accept that i wont get be there for you. That i wont get to see you reach all your milestones, your birthdays, or watch you grow up in front of us. It hurts so much to know all this, and try to accept it and understand it. I know im never going to either.. You are my baby girls, and we got cheated out of our time together. It should never have happened, but i somehow need to make peace with this. It doesnt mean i will miss you or love you ANY less, each day it becomes more. No one will ever love you as much as me.. i can promise you that.

I found something on one of the groups i follow online and wanted to share it with you:

" A parents dream is to have their children go to heaven. Though our other dreams for our babies will not be fulfilled here on earth, we gave them the ultimate gift-heaven. The ultimate dream fufilled." 

I had/have many dreams for you. So many hopes, wishes and dreams.. but i guess God had more important ones for you. Im trying my hardest to believe that, because this life is so hard with out you. So dark with out your rays of light, your innocence. I love you girls, i really truly honestly deeply love you , always.

" Ill love you forever
Ill like you for always
As long as im living
My babies you'll be."

Good night my sweet angels. Mommy loves you.