Lovebugs.

Hey my darlings,

The March of Dimes kick off was today. You Aunt Ashley had to work, so your Grandma and I stepped up and went to it. It was actually ok. They showed a video of the ambassadors little boy, he was born at 27 weeks. He is now a healthy little 1 year old. It made me tear up, i actually cried. From the time the video started i grabbed on to my necklace and held on so tight. It was so sad to see that little boy hooked up to all those tubes and machines, it was scary. It only made me think about one thing: you two girls. How that could have been you, how i wish you were here , more then you will ever know, but how hard would it have been for you, would you have been in any pain?? With that being said, i have to say i would have done anything and everything to keep you alive, to have you here in my arms. It made me miss you even more, if that is possible. 

I'm thankful you are not suffering. I'm happy you are happy. I'm blessed you are in Heaven. 
And i miss you. I love you. And i want you to know that everyday, every hour, every second.
My sweet girls, you are my life, you forever will be. I am selfish and want you here with us, i want to hold you, sing you to sleep, rock you, feed you, take care of you. Protect you. I want my girls, but God needed you more, & as much as i hate to say it, you are in a better place.

I love you Alena. I love you Jamie. You beautiful angels, i'll love you forever. I'll miss you always, and think about you, endlessly. 

You left your footprints on my heart..

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as im living
My babies you'll be.."

Goodnight girls. Mommy loves you, always.. xoxo

Goodnight..

My Dear Alena & Jamie,

Goodnight my sweet angels. You would be proud of mommy today, i had a better day today. I still miss you oh so much, but it was an ok day today..

Im thinking about trying to go back to work next week, im not quite sure how i want to handle everything with my clients and talking to people, but maybe i need to try it? I dont know.. things are never ever going to be anything like before without you two here with us, but i guess i need to try and get some normalcy back. Its just not going to be the same..

I keep thinking that i may not be good anymore at what i do, and that im going to be a completely different person then before and maybe people wont want to come to me anymore.. i guess all i can do is try. I talked with one of the nurses from the OB office today, she lost her little boy at 28 weeks. She talked about how i need to stay strong in my faith, and know that while i dont understand and have a lot of questions that wont have answers anytime soon, that God needed you more then me. She was very sweet and it was nice to talk with her.. maybe it is nice to talk to other people who have ( as horrible as this is people have to experience it) had a loss like this. 

Daddy and I miss you a lot. We love you so much, our sweet sweet girls. You were our first born, our pride and joy, our miracle babies. I cherish and miss feeling you move and roll around and kick. I know i say this all the time but i truly hurt over all the memories we wont get to make with you..

I bought 2 more pink roses to put by your urn. Daddy and I want to find some really pretty pink flowers to put in your shadow box. 

I want to tell you i love you. I love you a lot. Please dont ever forget that. Remember that always, and hold on to it. Like i hold on to you, very very tightly. Like i said, you have half my heart with you two.

Love you sweet hearts. Miss you so much.

Goodnight.

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as im living
My babies you'll be.."

I love you.

My sweet Alena & Jamie,

I thought about you a lot today, i always think about you a lot though, so that is nothing new. 

I hung out with Delaney and Grandma today, Grandpa a little bit too. We went shopping a little and hung out at the new house. Delaney and i jumped and played on the trampoline today, she is such a crazy fun little girl. It was fun to be with her but it was sad too because i thought about you two, what you would have been like playing with her, and at that age. 

I miss you both so much. I can go a little bit longer without crying now, although i don't go a day without crying at least once. I love you girls. I really really love you. Daddy loves and misses you so much too. Hes helping me a lot, although sometimes im afraid im frustrating him, because i can be pretty negative right now. He is wanting me to have stronger faith, to lean on him and know we are going to be ok. I love him very much, and i know you do too. My sweet sweet girls, oh how i miss you. 

I just want to say goodnight. I want to let you know i wish i was rocking you to sleep, that i was still feeling you move, that i knew you were going to be ok.. Once again i will be saying goodnight to you with a candle at your urn with your daddy, snuggling up with your baby blanket, and praying i can make it through this.. 

I love you both, so so much.

" Ill love you forever

Ill like you for always

As long as im living

My babies youll be."

Goodnight sweet girls. Momma loves you and misses you oh so much.

Delaneys 2nd Birthday

Hey my sweet girls,

Today was your cousin Delaney's 2nd birthday. Your Aunt Ashley bought three pink roses today for you girls and Laney, said it was so you three could be together.. it was very nice of her. We went over there & ate dinner and Laney finally ate her cupcake, last year we couldn't get her to touch her cake. But now she is obsessed with sugar and everything sweet, so i guess it wasn't much of a surprise. 

It was fun to get to see her and spend time with her. I find myself watching her do all her cute things like play with her kitchen stuff, twirl and dance, scream & giggle when you play with her, and feel happy and heartbroken at the same time. I love your cousin so much, she is an absolute doll. But it hurts my heart to think about everything i wont get to do with you, buy you, watch you do, hear you say.. Things that i shouldn't have had to think about missing, to think about what i wouldn't get to do with you, what you wouldn't get to do with me. 

Sometimes i don't think that time will heal, i don't think it will help at all. Its scary to think that it will be 3 weeks soon since you've left us. I don't understand why time can move so fast now that you are gone, but when i was holding onto every ounce of hope that you would make it at least to viability, time didn't move. Just another why that will never get answered. I had to take the January page off the calendar , your daddy had made a countdown till 24 weeks, and i didn't want to look at it anymore, ridiculous huh? I miss you so much, Alena & Jamie. My heart hurts how much i miss you.

I had a hard time again today, it came and went. One of the girls clients that i used to work with at JCP came to the house today. She brought flowers from the girls at the salon and said she had a book she wanted me to read. It was nice to see her, and nice of the girls to send me flowers. We talked for a little. Then i went through the mail and we got some more cards today, and they made me cry. Everyone is being so thoughtful and nice, and i feel i have nothing more to say back except " Thank you." Its just too hard to talk to anyone, and i hate that, but it is. I just want to talk to you both, i want to kiss you, i want to get to take care of you. 

I'm so lost without you both, so empty. I'm so hurt and i just don't know how to work my way through this, to get back to life. I'm stuck on January 12th, and i cant get out.. I miss you so much and cant believe every day i have to wake up and get through another day with out you both. What do i do anymore? Who am i with out you.. 

I am going to say goodnight. I hate writing depressing letters to you, i don't want you upset or feeling bad for me. Just stay happy and healthy up there, that's all i want for you both. Take care of each other, and don't forget how much WE LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU!!!! Especially your mommy, who doesn't go a second without thinking about you..

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as i'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Goodnight Alena and Jamie, my sweet girls. Mommy loves you both so much. Ill hold you in my heart forever.

In my Heart , always.

My sweet Alena & Jamie,

Yesterday was 2 weeks since you graced us with your beautiful presence. It was also the day you left us. The pain and sadness makes it feel like it was just yesterday..

We put your shadow box together today. It looks quite beautiful.. but its just so wrong. I should be getting to put all this together in your baby books, not a memory box.. but its what we have, and i have to deal with it.

Daddy and Grandpa made your mantel today, its going to be beautiful. We are going to put your urn, flowers and ultrasound pictures up there. That way whenever someone comes over, you will be there too. 

I keep looking at your footprints, how little, how precious. I wouldve been kissing those hands and feet all the time with you here, now its just another thing i have to put on hold until we see you again. I miss you.

I feel like everyone is having babies or getting pregnant. I know girls that i have to accept that its life, and just carry on, but its hard. I was so excited to get to show you off, dress you in pink all the time, and just love on you and love you up as much as i could. This is so hard.. its just so hard. The girls i talk to on the support groups online all say its going to get easier, it wont be so hard everyday..  I can believe that somedays, but then the other days it just all rains down on me. 

Im glad youre ok. Im glad youre not suffering, and im glad your happy. I worried so much about you Alena, if i was laying some way where you werent getting enough fluid, or if moving hurt you. I also was afraid that since you werent protected as much laying certain ways would smush you or Jamie would be on top of you, and that scared me so much. I have peace in my heart for that fact that now i know for sure you arent suffering.. Jamie didnt want to leave you either.. Now & Forever you will have each other. I know with you being twins that you have that special connection, and i got to be a part of that. Im so thankful for you girls, i was so blessed to have carried you with me for 5 months.. so lucky. How i pray and wish EVERY SINGLE DAY that we would have been forever together.. but i guess that was our time. I dont understand and never will. 

I love you both so much, i truly truly do. Dont forget that, ever. I miss you , gosh how i miss you. You are my heart, my half of heart that is still here with me. Ill hold on till we can be put back together again my loves..

" Ill love you forever

Ill like you for always

As long as im living

My babies youll be.."

Goodnight my angels. Mommy loves you always...

Missing you..

Dear Alena & Jamie,

Today was.. hard. Your daddy and i decided to venture out and get the shadow box and some things we wanted for your girls things.. It started out ok. We headed to greenville to the Hobby Lobby and found your shadow box. We then used the giftcard from your Aunt Ashley & Uncle Patrick to go to lunch. 

That was really hard. Every where i looked their were babies, little girls. It made me miss you so much, it really hurt my heart. I know i have got to get used to seeing pregnant woman, babies, little kids, families, because they are everywhere. But it doesnt take the pain away, not at all. That was supposed to be us, we are a family. We should be setting you up in booster seats at the table with us, feeding you your baby food, pushing you around in your strollers. There are so many things ill never get to do with you, and i still cant get over that our dreams with you are on hold, i really cant. I miss you girls, i really really miss you..

I wanted to put up your ultrasound pictures, im not sure if they will go in the shadow box or on the mantel your daddy is making you, but i got some really pretty frames. They are pink and have flowers on them & say " Love at first sight" aint that the truth? You babies were truly love at first sight, love at first two pink lines!!! As soon as you find out, you truly are in love. Didnt matter that you were still just a little embryo, not even a baby yet, you were/are the loves of my life, and always will be. 

Your Aunt Emily and Aunt Ashley got me a very pretty necklace, a rememberance necklace. Its got your names, your birthdate & the saying, " Ill hold you in my heart until i hold you in heaven." Ill wear it forever, because that exactly what i have to do until i see you again. Aunt Emily wanted some u/s pics of you too, she put them in a frame and lit a candle for you tonight.

I know you can see all this love from your family, but how i wish with all my heart you were physically here to feel it. We all have so much to give, so much we wanted to give to you girls. It hurts so much i cant hug you, squeeze you and kiss you . I just want to rock you to sleep and tell you how much i love you both and how beautiful you are. How much you mean to me, to your daddy. How my life now is you, you two girls. There's just so much i dont get to do, and its so hard.

I dont want to be making this shadow box, i dont want to be saying goodnight to you with a candle. I dont want to be cuddling with your blanket , i dont want this. But its what i have, and im lucky to have that. My heart is hurting a lot tonight, i miss you two.

Mommy loves you. I love you both SO much. I always say this, please dont forget that. I pray everyday that you know that. I miss you, we miss you. 

" Ill love you forever
Ill like you for always
As long as im living
My babies youll be "

Goodnight beautifuls. Mommy loves you lots.. xoxo

Trying.

My Sweet Girls,

Tonight i was going to make it short & sweet to you..

I want to tell you how much i love you & how much i miss you.
I honestly feel like the pain might be letting up a bit, but im not sure if thats just today or a coping mechanism. Tomorrow will be 2 weeks since we last kissed you and said goodbye, i think it will be hard..

Daddy and I are going shopping tomorrow for stuff to put into your shadow boxes. He is also making you a mantel for all your memories... Oh how i wish this isnt what we were doing with you.. I miss you.

I love you girls, Your mommy misses you so much. Please Please Please dont ever forget how much we love you, how much we miss you, and how much we cant wait to see your beautiful faces again.

love you love you love you love love you love you,

Your mommy.

" Ill love you forever
Ill like you for always
As long as im living 
My babies youll be "

Goodnight angels.

Its hard without you..

My sweet Alena and Jamie,

Today i felt myself talking a little more and laughing some. I feel bad for that. This is the stuff your family and daddy have been trying to talk to me about. That its okay , that i need to accept that it is okay, and that i dont need to punish myself everytime i feel normal? I dont know if that is the right word, but its something. I find myself taking 2 steps forward, and 5 steps back some times with this grief. I know there will come a day where there is a peace that will come over me and that I will truly know that you are where you are supposed to be.. right now its just too hard to accept at times.

My sweet, sweet girls. Sometimes i feel i have nothing to say, right now all i have is 
I miss you.
I love you.
I wish you were here with us.

Those three thoughts go through my head every morning, every night, actually all day every day. I miss feeling you when i drank/ate different foods, when i rolled over in bed, when i placed my hands on you and you moved for me or daddy. I miss playing lullabyes for you, i miss rocking you. I miss the future plans and dreams i had for you that i have had to let go. I miss the memories we never got to make..

I was beyond blessed that i was going to be your mom, but i couldnt wait to see you with your dad. He is such a sweetheart, and you two girls would've been the apple of his eye, well i know you are. It made me so happy when he got to feel you move, the look on his face.. you KNOW he loves you sweethearts, oh man does he ever. You would be proud of him, he is so strong. He is helping me, pushing me to remain strong in my faith, supporting me in all the issues i have. I love him girls, and i know you would've too. Hes a good man, too good for me.

Im so upset we didnt have more time, but i am VERY thankful for the time we did have. I wont ever forget you moving in there, seeing you, feeling you.. I will remember all of that for the rest of my life. Along with your beautiful faces, and my undying love for you. 

Alena & Jamie, i love you two so much. You are our angels, our lives. I believe we are the luckiest people on this Earth, to have the two most beautiful guardian angels looking out for us. I am beyond blessed for the time i had with you here, and i look forward to when i will get to have you in my arms again, to see those beautiful faces again. Thank you for being my daughters, for blessing and forever changing my life.

" Ill love you forever
Ill like you for always
As long as im living 
My babies youll be" 

Goodnight angels. I love you always.

Goodnight my girls

My sweet angels,

I hope you know not a minute goes by that i don't think about you, that i feel so much love for you i think my half of heart cant handle it.. Its been a week and 4 Days since we said goodbye, and it sometimes feels like it was just yesterday, and sometimes it feels like its been forever.. Time is of no value anymore.

I have been keeping a close eye on all your beautiful flowers. Your daddy and I are not very good with keeping plants alive, but i am trying my hardest. They are all so beautiful and it makes me very upset when they start wilting, but i guess thats understandable. I told your Grandma today that i was going to make sure we ALWAYS had two beautiful pink roses to put by your urn. They look so pretty over there , i want you to get to see them everyday. 

Today was a harder day. I really felt lost, and i've finally just given up. Your daddy came home and tried talking to me, but i didnt want anything to do with it. Your grandma, grandpa and aunt Emily came over to talk, all pretty upset with me for not talking with them. It took a while & a lot of talking, but i feel a little bit better. I think i have reached the "angry" stage in this thing called grieving. Angry with the world, angry with myself, angry with God. I pretty much made up my mind that i dont believe in him anymore, and i lost my faith. The thing is, i think a big part of the reason i was so upset earlier because i was feeling that way. I dont want to lose my faith, i want to know and to feel it. I want to have faith that you are watching down on us, that you are our guardian angels. I dont know if it hurts so much to think that because i am selfish and i want you HERE not anywhere but here, with me, with us, or because it is the truth, you are up there and not here.

This pain, this agonizing hurt of losing you, is sometimes too much. I still dont know how to cope, how to recognize that you are gone and not coming back. Its just too much. I wouldnt wish this on anyone ever, losing a child.. it is beyond what your heart and mind can understand. Like ive told you before, you girls have half my heart, it left with you. But rest easy knowing i have the other piece, and we will be whole again, one day...

My biggest fear in losing you is that ive lost faith in myself. Im terrified of every day because its another day with out you, but then again i wake up everyday hoping this is all one big horrible nightmare and you are still here. It always is the same result, im here and you two are not. Im scared, im so scared im going to forget, and i dont ever want that to happen. I feel bad when i start to feel like i can be ok, that its ok to feel like things are normal/ going to be normal. I know im supposed to accept that its going to be, but it doesnt feel right.. i guess yet. Your grandpa said something that really got to me, " The pain isnt going to fade, its just going to dull ,but you are never going to forget them." 

Im still trying to accept that i wont get be there for you. That i wont get to see you reach all your milestones, your birthdays, or watch you grow up in front of us. It hurts so much to know all this, and try to accept it and understand it. I know im never going to either.. You are my baby girls, and we got cheated out of our time together. It should never have happened, but i somehow need to make peace with this. It doesnt mean i will miss you or love you ANY less, each day it becomes more. No one will ever love you as much as me.. i can promise you that.

I found something on one of the groups i follow online and wanted to share it with you:

" A parents dream is to have their children go to heaven. Though our other dreams for our babies will not be fulfilled here on earth, we gave them the ultimate gift-heaven. The ultimate dream fufilled." 

I had/have many dreams for you. So many hopes, wishes and dreams.. but i guess God had more important ones for you. Im trying my hardest to believe that, because this life is so hard with out you. So dark with out your rays of light, your innocence. I love you girls, i really truly honestly deeply love you , always.

" Ill love you forever
Ill like you for always
As long as im living
My babies you'll be."

Good night my sweet angels. Mommy loves you.

Another Day.

My dear sweet Alena & Jamie,

I went to your grandmas house today. Your daddy and grandma are worried about me being alone again, so i went over there. I watched a little bit of  Beauty and the Beast with your cousin Laney, she is obsessed with it right now. Then i ended up taking a nap for a little bit, and went to Target with your grandma. She is trying so hard to help me, God love her for it. I guess that's what moms are for, huh? That's what i thought i was doing for you, helping you.. but i guess it just wasnt enough.

I am not looking for a pity party, thats not what i want at all. I just feel like i am supposed to feel this pain, this hurt. But then i get scared and think that feeling like that will make your death be in vain.. and i would NEVER want that. You two precious girls are the light of my life, i want EVERYONE to know how special and amazing you are. 

I feel i am falling behind, faltering in my faith. I believe i have already told you that, but i think im losing it more everyday. There are so many unanswered questions, so many what ifs, whys and what else could we have done? I dont want this, i dont want to question God, i want to believe that you had a greater purpose, and he needed you more then me. I want to find peace, and i want to praise him for blessing me with your beautiful souls. But i am stumbling girls, im so hurt and dont feel i can do that, and i hate that i cant. You were such a big part of my life for such a small amount of time, but the truth is you will ALWAYS be a big part of my life. 

There are beautiful psalms and verses and songs and poems all about this pain, this suffering, this loss and how to see the light and praise him through this, to stay strong. I'm not strong, but im not too proud to ask for help. I need you Alena and Jamie, i need you to let me know you are ok, i need you to let me know you are happy. Please, please dont leave me alone. I need you girls, i need your strength. I cant do this by myself and its you two i need. I feel selfish asking you for that, when as your Mom thats what i am supposed to do for you, give you strength to persevere.. and i cant.

I fear this is my life now. Constant sadness, fear and hopelessness. Ive never wanted anything more then to have you in my life, to have you ripped away so suddenly, is like death. I feel like a walking ghost of myself. I dont want to talk to anyone, see anyone, be around anyone. And i dont want to be like that, because if you are looking down on me, i dont want that to be what you see, thats not who i am. I dont want you to look at me as a failure, i want to give you good examples of who i am, i want you to be proud of me, and im sure right now you arent sure what to think about me. But i won't be like this forever, i will make you proud to be my daughters, to be happy to have me as a mom. I hope.

I miss you girls, im never going to be able to really let you know how much i miss you. I need you to know that half of my heart left with you, and will always be with you. I wont ever be whole again without you, until we meet again. Thats when i feel i will be restored completely, i will be whole again. Hold on to my heart, dont let go. Im not ever going to let you go. I hold you so close to me, you are my world, my everything, my reason for living. You hold half of my heart, and i hold the other half, you two girls. Ill  be holding on tightly, always. 

Even though you were here such a short time, my life is forever changed because of you. To hear your heartbeats, to seeing your beautiful selfs on the screen, to feeling your movements.. it was all a miracle, you are my miracles. Ill never forget you, ill never get over losing you. 

Your daddy and i pray every night at your urn, with the little candle we light on it. I pray every night you remember us, you remember how much we loved/love you, and that you know how sorry i am. Maybe one day ill be able to accept it when i am told i did everything i could to safe you and it wasnt anyones fault we lost you, but for now i feel it is me, that i  failed you...

I love you Alena and Jamie, i will FOREVER love and miss you, my sweet, sweet angels.

"I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as im living
My babies you'll be."

Alone today

My dear Alena and Jamie , 

Daddy went back to work today, and I am alone. Your grandma keeps asking me to do things today, or if i need her to come get me, but I keep saying no. Being alone isn't as horrible as I thought, although every thought since i have been awake has been about you two. 

The sun has been out since the day before your memorial, and I am glad for you. When you were born the rain didn't stop for a week. Your daddy said it was because God was mourning for us. It was like the world was crying with us, over losing you two beautiful angels. I needed that rain, I needed those horrible dreary days. When the sun came out I was mad, I wanted the days to keep being ugly and horrible because that is how I felt. But then I realized I needed the sun, because it reminded me of hope, and your beauty and where you are. 

I'm not sure when I am going back to work, or if I even will. Right now all I feel is lost, that losing you has made me lose purpose in this world. I love your daddy with my whole heart , & your grandpa , grandma and aunts, but I can't help and feel I need to be with you. You two are my life, my whole being , everything since the day I found out we were pregnant. I know it's not my time, and I have to hold on so tightly that I WILL see you two girls again. I've gotten to the point I don't care how much pain I am in, physical or emotional , I am just praying for your happiness and healthiness . There isn't a thing you could've asked of me that I wouldn't have done for you, same goes for your daddy. 

I know I say this in every post, but you need to know how much you are loved. Your aunt Ashley wrote a blogpost to you saying " if love would've saved you you would still be here." I know that to be the truth. Our love for you two tiny precious angels is so strong, and just as if you were here I know it to be stronger every single day. I love you I love you I love you. 

I want to be pushing you in a stroller right now, letting the sun warm your sweet bodies, and enjoying this day with you. Instead I am writing you these letters , and praying ... Just praying.

We light the candle on your urn every night before bed and say a prayer to you. I feel it is something that brings us closer, and like I said, I need you to know how much we love you. 

My sweet girls, please don't forget us. Don't forget me. For I will be there someday soon with you, and will never ever leave you or have you leave me again. 

" I'll love you forever

I'll like you for always

As long as I'm living

My babies you'll be " 

I love you Alena and Jamie. Miss you every day. <3 

I cant wake up.

My dearest Alena & Jamie,

Yesterday was your memorial. It was definitely one of the worst days of my life, second to the day i found out we were going to lose you. We walked into the church and your urn was up at the front , it's very beautiful ( two pink angels for my angels), along with a beautiful bouquet of flowers your 2nd cousin Autumn bought you. We also brought along 2 pink flowers for you , and so did your Aunt Ashley. We placed the 2 single ones she brought in front of your urn, and ours were in a vase behind. We sat right up in front of you. I almost got sick seeing you up there like that, in a box. There are so many things wrong with this picture i dont even know where to start...

We sang beautiful songs for you, and read verses. Father Ted had a beautiful homily about you. I hope you heard him reading the letter your Grandpa Paul wrote for you, it was so unbeliveably sweet, we all cried. There was so much sadness, so much suffering yesterday. While it was to be a celebration for your two beautiful souls, it was hard to keep it together. I feel like i cant cry enough, or hurt enough. 

There were a bunch of family and friends that came to your memorial. I didnt see half of them because i couldn't turn around and address people, especially when i felt i was looking exactly where i needed to be, at you two. It was so hard to talk to everyone, but we had to. Memorials and Funerals are hard like that, even though everyone knows its too hard to talk, you have to say address everyone and thank them for coming, because its the polite thing to do. I know a lot of people didnt know what to say/do, an infant loss.. how do you help someone or say something to help them? As Father Ted said, There are no human words that are going to console us, nothing to help us understand..

Last night we all stayed the night at grandpa and grandmas. It was nice, you were there too. We ate food and just were all together. I feel like it helped me get some sleep being around them, they always help me. Your poor daddy had a very hard time last night, and i feel like im not strong enough for him sometimes. This has just broke our hearts, and im not sure how to put them back together again girls. From the moment we knew we were having you, i couldnt explain the joy and elation of being parents, let alone to two beautiful amazing miracles!! There was / is so much we wanted for you, to do for you, to give to you..

Laney stopped at pointed at your urn a couple of times, wanted to touch it. I think in some way she understands, but not really. Its sweet to think she does. She accidentally fell off her bed this morning and started crying, and i lost it. I WANTED to do that with you, console you when you cried, help you feel better when you got hurt, took care of you. I wanted so many little things that people take for granted with you, and ill never have it. 

I will never be able to accept why this happened to you, to us, our family. I guess thats the point, there isnt any way to accept it. Its an absolute tragedy, losing your beautiful souls. I wake up everyday and go to bed every night with you two girls on my mind. Nothing is the same anymore.. and yet i feel i just have to push on. Sometimes i find myself wishing God would take me away too, take me to you. That that is where i need to be. But then your daddy reminds me that i need to stay with him, and that you wouldnt want that, its not my time to be with you. But i want to be with you, i want to hold you and kiss you and love you with every being in my body. I want to be your Mommy. 

Grandma reminded me today that you will want to see me happy , to not always see me in pain, and to see me cope with this. I know that, because i dont want you to be in pain, but i feel i need this hurt, this pain. That i still feel its my fault, that i didn't fufill my " Motherly Duties". I know they say i did everything i could, but i havent found peace with that yet. 

Why you are gone, we will never know. But i know i will spend everyday letting you know how much i love you, how much i miss you, and how sorry i am i cant be there with you. Please know as your Mommy there is nothing i wouldnt do for you, and that i wish i would have gotten the chance to show you that. You, sweet angels, are forever in my hearts & i will never EVER let you not know that.. how i wish i could kiss your sweet faces..

" I'll love you forever

I'll like you for always

As long as im living

My babies you'll be.. "

AMR JRR - I love you.

We shouldn't be here today..

Good morning my sweet angels. Today is your memorial, a " Mass of the Angels". It has also been a week since you went to heaven. I cant get ready today, im not quite sure what to do. What do you wear to your daughter's memorial, how do you look, how do you talk to people? 
Im not even sure how i can walk through those doors. We miss you so much. I have your ultrasound picture next to the bed and i kiss you both every morning and every night, actually more then that. I also have the blanket debbie laid you on and took pictures of you with, and i sleep with it now. I feel somehow i can be closer to you, even though i cant. We will be bringing your ashes home today, i dont know if that gives me some peace, to have you somehow here with me.. or scares me even more. I wont be able to walk by without talking to you, without letting you know what im thinking. 

Some of your family has come to visit, mostly from Michigan, Ohio, North Carolina and Georgia. I pray you know how much you are loved, you are so very much. Friends have been sending flowers, we even got flowers from some people i didnt even know knew i existed anymore.. that was quite a surprise. I want to take them up to the church for you, but i dont want to take away from your beautiful urn. I want all attention on you, even though i know nothing would defer from you in our thoughts. 

I feel so empty. Every day i do. My heart is broken and my body is empty. You arent there anymore, and you are supposed to be. I cant stand not feeling you move anymore, knowing you arent in there.. I miss it. I miss you. 

I know you are in a better place, much better then this world could ever be for you girls. I will admit i would get scared thinking about you growing up here, about how cruel and evil people are/ can be. But i promise you i would have protected you, i would have never let anything happen to you beautiful girls. Your daddy wouldnt have either. Actually, i know no one would have. I so wanted to take care of you, to be who you depended on, needed a shoulder to cry on, to whom you ran to when things got too hard. Ill never get to have that with you, and i just dont understand why. I think i would have been a good mom, i hoped and prayed everyday i would have & now i wont know. 

God, please be taking care of our little girls. Let them feel our love, just let them know that if anything, i need them to know how much they mean to me and how much we love them. I pray that they are happy & healthy and nothing will hurt them. I cant take care of them, so you have to. 

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as im living
my babies you'll be.. <3" 

I love you my sweet angels. I miss you and im sorry..

I Wish you were Here.

To My Dearest Loves of my Life, Alena Marie & Jamie Rae,

I love you. How else do i begin this sentence, this blog? I havent spent a waking moment not thinking about you two, and i dont believe i ever will. It has almost been a week since your daddy and i lost you, and i dont feel it getting any easier. I dont feel this is real, im not sure if that is a coping mechanism or i just dont want to feel. Either way, it is. I keep telling your daddy that i dont feel i gave birth to you a week ago, that nothing feels like it should. Giving birth to you meant hearing you cry to tell me your lungs were strong, it meant seeing your beautiful eyes look up at me and us having our " Mommy Daughters connection", it meant kissing your beautiful faces & toes & fingers , and it meant you being alive. 

It was the most heartbreaking, agonizing, traumatic thing that has ever happened to me, being told i was going to lose you two. After everything we had been through together, i thought we would have a fighting chance. I hope you know i wouldve done anything for you two, and i really thought i had. I know we had some rough patches, but i never would have thought this is how it ended. I never wanted to give up, i never would have. I never wanted to give you up, to never feel you in my stomach again, to never hear your sweet beautiful strong heartbeats again, & to stop seeing those beautiful babies up there on the ultrasound screen. You two were my life, you ARE my life. Your daddy and I had been waiting for you for so long, had prayed so hard for you, had wanted you more then i feel anyone has ever been wanted. And now you are gone.

I need you to know more then anything in this world , that i love you. WE love you. There isnt ANYTHING i wouldnt have done for you girls. I miss you so much, my heart is breaking every time i have to say that. 

I need you to know i am sorry. I cant tell you how sorry i am. That my body couldnt hold you, that i couldnt take care of you any longer. Im so mad, i feel betrayed by myself. That i couldnt take care of you then but now my body wants to take care of you in different ways, its not right. 

I was so excited, ectastic, beyond thrilled, grateful, thankful & blessed i was going to be your mommy! Everyone knew about you two, you were already always the topic of my every conversation with everyone. Every time you moved, rolled over, or i felt you in my belly, i couldnt help but smile. There is nothing in the world that will ever compare to that feeling, its amazing to have that connection, especially with you two. My sweet sweet girls, how will i ever get to tell you how sorry i am??? 

I feel we shared so much together, but lost so much. I hope you will remember the little things we did together, like rocking in the rocking chair before bed, daddy and i rubbing you to feel you move, the lullabye music i played on the iPad, the I love yous and cant wait to meet yous. I had so much planned for you, so many cute outfits, so many things i wanted for you. I cant believe i wont get to see you smile for the first time, i wont hear your sweet cooing noises, or your first roll over, crawl, walk , run, tooth or any of the firsts. I wont get to take you to school, or help you with homework, or help daddy with "boy issues". We wont get to take you dress shopping for your first dance, get you ready for college, or see you walk down the aisle. I cant believe i wont get to show you how much i love you, because i PROMISE you a day wouldnt have gone by that i would have let you forget that, never. 

Your daddy was so excited, he knew you were going to be girls from the beginning. He kept saying he was going to have his hands full and he wouldnt know what to do. You wouldve loved him, i know i sure do. I was so happy and excited to get to see you 3 together, it made my heart so happy everytime he talked to you or rubbed my belly to feel you move. I wanted to see you through his eyes sometimes, because i loved him more the day i knew he was going to be a dad. His heart hurts so much, and he stays strong for me, but i know he misses you more then he can say. I know he cares so much about being there for me and wont cry, but hes heartbroken, he truly is. He loves you so much Alena and Jamie, he really does. He wanted so much for you too & doesnt understand, as we all dont, of why you are gone. You 3 are my everything.

This hasn't been easy for your aunts, uncles & grandparents either. Ashley and Emily are hurting, but let me tell you something, they have been so strong for me and your daddy. I am so thankful for them and grateful they are in our lives. They love you so much and it broke their heart to lose you two, but they are staying strong for us and i love them for it.Ashley says she talks to you every night before bed & tells you she is going to take care of us. They need their time to grieve too, and i know they love you so much. Grandma And Grandpa are helping, and i know they are hurting. Your grandpa has set everything up for your memorial tomorrow, while grieveing over your being gone. He has been a strong rock to lean on and i love him so much for being so strong. Grandma has always been there for me/us and i know she always will be. My heart hurts for them because they love you so, and i was so excited to get to bless them with more grandchildren, 2 more beautiful girls to play dress up and tea party with. Poor grandpa was surrounded by girls, but he couldnt have been happier. Your daddys family has been very supportive too. Im so thankful because they dont live close and your daddy really needs them right now. They love you so much.. so so much. My heart & body hurts so much that you wont be here to recieve all this love, there is so much to give you. I meant it when i said you would have never gone a day without knowing how loved you are, nobody would have let you.

Tomorrow is your memorial. A day to remember you, a day to grieve over you. Those things arent just a day for me, they are a lifetime. You will NEVER be forgotten, and i dont think i will ever stop grieving over you. Im sitting here writing this thinking about how i am not going to be able to sleep tonight, how waking up is going to feel like a nightmare. I will tell you i dont feel strong, i dont feel like i am getting any better. Your family has told me i am so strong, but i dont know about that. I dont feel strong at all, i feel broken, hurt, angry , betrayed.. empty. You are gone, and i am here. Its not the way its supposed to be, not at all. You are my baby girls, i am supposed to be your protector, your mother. I feel i have failed you, whether i have or not. I suppose that is something i need help with, but i am afraid i may feel that way forever..

You are beautiful. You are amazing. You are mine. The bond between us will never be broken, i wont let it. We got to hold you after you were born. Forgive me for being weak, i couldnt do it at first. I was terrified, you were gone, what would you look like? I am so thankful your daddy helped me build up the courage to see you, because im afraid i would have regretted it for the rest of my life. You were so tiny, these small little angels. You looked like you were sleeping, peaceful. I told you i loved you, i told you i was sorry and i missed you more then you will ever know. I also read you the little poem from the baby book " I'll love you forever". Your daddy and i cried together over losing you, and then we said our goodbyes and let you go... I love you

Our time was short, cut way too short. I dont understand why, and i guess we will never get to know. I am having trouble with my faith right now, i dont know why God would do this, why he would think he needed you more then we do. I am your mom, who would need you more? I know you are in Heaven, if there is one thing i know, it is that. Daddy says it will get easier, that it wont hurt as much. I want to believe him, but i dont see how that will be.. 
I will tell you that I am doing my best to rely on God, to come back and let him help us. I am trying..

I will end this post tonight with this: I love you. I wont ever forget you, i will miss you every day for the rest of my life. But i know you are safe, i know you are protected, and i know you are happy. Remember me, remember your mom and dad. Remember that everyone loves you, will always love you. You are in my heart, in my mind all the time. I will hold you there until i see you again my loves. Goodnight, i love you.