Easter

Hey baby girls,

Happy Easter. I'm sure you had a beautiful day in heaven, prettier the ours ever could be..

I miss you both so much. Today at church a family walked by with there little girl and their new baby girl, and your grandpa and I made eye contact, and I cried. It's horrible to be so hurt and sad when you see someone else's baby, and I'm happy for them that their babies are healthy.. But it's just a constant hurtful reminder that mine weren't, and you aren't here.. I just have to face the facts and get over it I suppose.

Goodnight you beautiful sweet angels,
I love you oh so very much.. I miss you Alena and Jamie.

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Hard.

Hey love bugs,

Mommy is really tired today.. And I just wanted to write you goodnight..

Ad tell you how very much I miss you, and how I love you with my whole being..

Goodnight beautifuls, love you.. Always and forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

What do I do without you girls??

I really don't know sometimes, or really at all .All I can do is try anymore..

I miss you both so much, I love you I love you I love you.. Always and forever.

Goodnight angels, xoxo mommy

" I'll love you forever
 I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

March of dimes

Hey beautiful girls,

Today was the last march of dimes rally before the walk next month. I went with your aunt Ashley, delaney and family friend, Kim. I had a rough night the night before, and this morning wasn't that much better. Your grandma told me not to go if I couldn't handle it, but I needed to go, if not for me, for you two wonderful girls. I have to be strong for you, I just have too.

It was ok. They show videos of the ambassador familes, and that was the hardest part. They showed this little baby girl who had been born early, and her NICU stay.. And I couldn't help but tear up and cry.

Sometimes these days never end, and then nighttime finally comes, and then it just starts all over.. And it's neverending nightmare, anymore.

I just wish, I wish and I pray and I cry.. I just want you to be here.. I cherish the time we had together deeply.. But I still feel cheated, in so many ways. I had been waiting my whole life for you.. Your daddy and I had been. When all else seemed to fail and we were not sure what was going to happen, two miracles.. You girls were brought into our lives.

I know you are In a far better place, and it's me that is wAnting to be with you .. But I have to accept this .. Somehow, someway.. No parent should ever have to feel this way. This is a pain I would never wish on anyone.. Ever.

I love you my sweet baby girls. Always and forever, remember.

Goodnight, xoxo mommy

"I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Loved.

Hey baby girls,

I wanted to write this post about how loved you are, because you are.. So very much. Your aunt Ashley has done so much with the march of dimes walk for you, our friends Megan and Jennifer , their family made us tshirts and car decals.. So many people , so much love you girls .

I feel sometimes that I'm not doing anything, I'm just sitting here day after day. When I should be doing something like that, but to tell you the truth.. Sometimes it's hard. It saddens me so much that what I have of you, is teddy bears to hold instead of holding you.. Memory jewelry instead of waking up to your beautiful faces everyday.. A shadow box with everything with left the hospital with.. Everything .. But you two.

But this post is about how loved you girls are, how much you are missed, and how deeply you have affected all of our lives. And no matter what, you are ALWAYS going to be the biggest part of my life, my saving grace, my sweet baby angels.

" Little footprints
How softly you tiptoed into my world, almost silently,
But what an imprint your footprints
Have left upon my heart.. "

I love you baby girls , SO VERY MUCH!!!!!!!

Goodnight Alena Marie and Jamie Rae

" I'll love you forever
 I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Crazy

Hey baby girls,

You prolly think this post is about how crazy I'm going, and yes in a way.. It is. Your daddy and I have started working out and trying to eat better. I'm not saying we are perfect at it, but it is a start. I went outside to cool down and a song I really love came on and I just went crazy dancing outside. It's freezing out but I just didn't want to go inside. I just kept spinning and running around. If the neighbors were looking outside I probably look like I belonged in the crazy ward. If you were watching me, I'm sure you were both laughing at me, I hope you were. Sometimes I'm so worried that all you see is sadness and worries and pain, and I am sorry for that. I'm trying to be ok, but each day brings a new struggle, and new pain.

I just miss you both so much, I really really do. I can hold it inside , just for me to feel by myself a lot, but sometimes It's too much, and It comes out..

My dear girls, please always remember how much I love you, how much I need you, how much you girls mean to me. Your truly are my everything's, , my life, my heart.
I miss you very very much.

Goodnight love bugs, xoxo mommy

" I'll love you forever
 Ill like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Goodnight my sweet baby loves, momma loves you so so so much.

I just wanted to write tonight, and let you know how much I truly miss you, and how much I honestly truly love and adore you both .. So so much.

Goodnight angels.

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Sundays.

Hey beautiful angels,

Today was just a lazy day. We went to church, today was Palm Sunday. We came home and just watched tv, and then I had a salon meeting. I really enjoy the new salon I'm working at. The girls have been so wonderful and gracious to us during all of this, and I am very thankful.. Especially because I wasn't sure I was going to go back. I felt so lost, didn't know who I was or how I was going to go back and do hair, if I even liked it anymore. But I did go back, and I still love it, but some days,it's harder for me to figure out who I am, or what I'm still doing here.

Your daddy tells me I'm here for him, I'm here to be with him. He's such a sweet guy, and it hurts my heart that I won't get to see you grow up with him being your daddy here, I looked forward to that so very much. ..

My sweet girls, you are missed SO much and loved SO much more.

Goodnight baby girls, mommy loves you so..
Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Family.

Hey my sweet babies, 

I think everyone was having a little bit of a harder day today.. Your auntie Emily told me she was missing you a lot today, and I was talking to your grandma about how I wish this was all just a terrible nightmare, and that I could wake up at anytime. I wish that everyday.. 

I have found a saying, and I really love it. It's among ones I really like to repeat or post on things to help me in some way, so I will say goodnight with it..

" Some dream of meeting angels, I've held 2 in my arms." 

I love you baby girls, I love you so much. I miss my girls.. 

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever

I'll like you for always 

As long as im living

My babies you'll be.." 

Goodnight 

Hope.

Hey my baby loves,

Somedays I really feel like maybe you are trying to communicate with me, or maybe I am just trying to look at things that way, that it is easier... Either way, just please let my eyes be open and my ear be listening for whenever those times are.. Because I don't want to miss one time..

I love you Alena Marie and Jamie Rae, so much more then you will ever know.

Mss you babies.

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
Ill like you for always
As long as im living
My babies you'll be.."

Goodnight my sweet love bugs,

Hoping to dream of you, as I hope and pray for every night,,

Miss you too much, and love you even more,

Goodnight my sweet angels, I love you forever & always..

Xoxo,mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Cousins.

Hey baby girls,

Today I did ok, I had sad moments.. When we were at target i heard a newborn crying, when we walked past all the adorable baby girl clothes, etc. I'm just trying not to look at everything so sad and hurt, but it really is hard. Like I keep saying, I just keep trying to take it day by day..

It is so hard to see delaney , your cousin sometimes. Not because I don't love her or want to be around her, but because I will never get to see you do all the things I have seen her do, and Will continue to see her do, and it is so very heartwrenching. I wish you three were growing up together, she would be like your little mommy, and I know she would love you so much. Every time she hears a baby cry she goes " bae bae" (baby) and I know that's all she would be saying around you. Actually, she would probably be stealing your binkies, because she loves her bink.


Oh I miss you two sweet angels more then my words can say, and love you more then my heart can hold.. You were here and gone way too soon, and it is the worst possible feeling.. To lose your child. I have to be thankful that I even got as long with you as I did, because many didn't even get that long. I got to hold you, and say my goodbye and kiss you.. See your beautiful faces.

I still can't get over how much this is like an awful dream.. I feel I have aged a hundred years.. But that this all justo happened yesterday..

Goodnight beautiful angels, mommy loves you. Forever and always

Xoxo

" I'll love you forever
 I'll like you for always
 As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Group

Hey pretty girls,

Today was our second group meeting. I am so hesitant before we go in because i don't know what to expect..but once we are there it tends to go better then I thought. Tonight we made crafts, and I made earrings for your aunt Emily and Ashley, and your grandma. Well actually, I picked out the beads and stuff, and daddy put them together. I think they came out really nice. We met some new people tonight.. It's so sad and heartbreaking.. All this loss and pain in one room. But at the same time inspiring.. Because although we are all broken and hurt and angry and in pain, everyone is in some way finding a way to get through their days and live.. And that's just what I am trying to do.. Figure out how to live, to look forward to another day, and not just look at everything so negatively.

Your daddy feels that is all I do anymore.. And I guess in some way he is right. But I don't know girls, I felt I was positive for so long, and right now I just feel hopeless.. And have no self worth.

I miss you baby girls, I love you so much. I hope you hear how much love is in my voice when I talk about you at the meetings, and when I talk to you to people I feel I can talk too.. It's never going to be any less. It will continue to grow so much every day in my heart..

Goodnight love bugs. I love and miss you so much.

Xoxo mommy
 
" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be,,"

Always the same

My sweet Alena Marie and Jamie Rae,

I had another sad day today, so I don't want to write and tell you about it.

I want to just let you know, like I do in every post and prayer, how much i love you baby girls , how much I truly truly love and miss you baby girls..

Everyday is just that, another day without you. But I'm trying to look at the good in things, and know that you are safe, and strong and healthy and happy.. Beautiful angels in heaven.

I love you babies, i love you so much.

Goodnight and I miss you., so so much.

I love you sweet girls, I really and always will .

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Today.

My dear girls,

Today was st. Pattys day. Your aunt Ashley wrote a beautiful letter in her blog to you girls. Every time she writes to you, it makes me cry. I'm so so so beyond thankful for the family we have, and how much love everyone has for you. You two deserve nothing less, and I couldn't be more grateful. It makes me cry because it hurts so much that everyone has to talk to you so far away, not looking at your faces or holding you tightly, or singing you to sleep..

My sweet baby loves, you're SO loved and SO missed, beyond all measure. Your daddy and I miss you so much. I have put your bears up on your mantle, and every night when we say goodnight I hold them and kiss them and it brings me some comfort, feeling like I can connect to you . I also pray every night to see you in my dreams , for you to always know the love I have for you.. That a mother has for her children.

I hope you saw all the green today, although my favorite colors will forever be pink and yellow.

Goodnight sweet baby girls,

Xoxo mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Too long..

Hey baby loves,

I'm so tired. And sad. And lonely. And heartbroken.

But I love you both, and miss you both so much. Nothing will ever change those two things... Ever.

Forever and always , you are my baby girls, my special, wonderful, beautiful, amazing miracles.

Goodnight sweet girls, mommy loves you so so so much.

Xoxo, mommy


" I'll loveyouforever
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Goodnight my sweet peas.

I love you both . I miss you so. I can't tell you enough how scary everything is without you here. You were my life, my future, my everything.. And now that you're gone, nothing makes sense anymore.

I'm so sorry, and I'll never be able to tell you that enough.. I'm so sorry.

I love you my sweet baby girls, forever and always..

Xoxo , mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.,"

Forgive me

My beautiful girls, I just realized I missed writing to you last night.. And I am so so sorry. I haven't been feeling very well lately but I'm still so sorry I didn't write you and tell you goodnight..

I miss you both so much, I am having some really horrible days these past couple of days and I'm trying to get back up and not be sad like this, but I feel like I'm done... I just want to give up, I'm tired of fighting , of trying to be strong, of having to go on without you.. I'm just so tired and I want to quit.

I'm so sorry I burden you two with this, but I just need you. I don't need to talk like this, but I need to talk to you, to see you, to kiss you and hold you and love on you..

I miss you girls, I'll always miss you. I'll always miss you more then you will ever know. I'll always love you, I'll always hold you in my heart and NEVER let go. Forever and always, you two are my sweethearts, my wonderful baby girl miracles..

I love you,I love you I love you..

Goodnight baby loves,
Sweet dreams

Xoxo mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

2.

Its been 2 months today since we said goodbye. Daddy and I ran into some issues today trying to do something special for you two girls, but finally got it to work out. I'm so sorry this is how we have to spend your special days and I hate it... I hate it so very much. 

I hope you are seeing our balloon send offs and knowing how much love we send with those baby girls. These days are hard, so hard without you and I'm struggling to figure out how to go on without you two, but I'm trusting in God that he has a plan for us, for you girls, for me, for our family. 

I miss you Alena and Jamie, oh how I miss you . 

Goodnight my sweet baby girls.. 

Xoxo,mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always 
As long as I'm living 
My babies you'll be.." 

Tomorrow

Hey sweet baby girls,

Tomorrow is going to be another hard day. Today wasn't all that great either, I was just sad, just sad because I guess that's going to happen, and these days come and go. I was telling your aunt ashley today how it doesn't matter what's going on.. Everyday will be a sad day, even just a little.. Because you two aren't here to bring in another day with us. As I've said before , it's the new normal we have to get through everyday now, a normal that means you're not here..

Alena and Jamie, I miss you two beautiful girls so much, so much more then I think you will ever know, and if you know just a fraction of how much I miss you and love you.. That would be more then enough and I would know you would always know what it feels like to be loved and adored.

Goodnight my sweet angels, love you forever and always ..

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long As I'm living
My babies you'll be..."

Slowly

I love you baby girls. 

I love you so so much, and miss you so. 

Just taking it day by day..hoping and praying. Pretty much all we can do right now.. 

Love you and miss you sweet girls. 


Goodnight
Xoxo mommy


" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living 
My babies you'll be.. 

Bears.

My baby girls, 

Today I got your Molly bears, and they are perfect. I really love them. Alena , yours has a pink bow and pink tutu. Jamie, yours has a matching yellow bow and tutu. My little princess babies.. We put them up on the mantle with all your other things, and it's beautiful. It's so hard to look up there sometimes, because this isn't right, it's not what should be up there, but I'm glad I can at least make it as pretty as possible for you two sweet girls. 

Your aunt Teresa came and visited today, she saw our shadow box and mantle. 

I miss you both so much, and it's all I can do to just take it one day at a time. 
I love you sweet girls, I love you so so very much. 

Goodnight . 
Xoxo mommy.. 

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always 
As long as I'm living 
My babies you'll be.." 

Goodnight my little ones. I love you and miss you more then you know.

Forever & always.

Xoxo mommy

" I'll love you forever.
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Babies everywhere..

Except mine, you aren't here. 

I miss you both so much, I'm having a really hard time lately. 

I love you Alena Marie. I love you Jamie Rae 

Always & forever.. 

Xoxo mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always 
As long as I'm living 
My babies you'll be.." 

Goodnight

Hey sweet girls, 

Today was ok. One day at a time. That's all we can do , all I can do. 

I love you, and I miss you. A lot. 

Please always remember, please don't ever forget that. I need you to know this, always. 

Goodnight my sweet girls , mommy loves you so much. 

Xoxo 

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.." 

My loves

I wish you girls were here to feel and see all the love that is here for you.. 
I know you can see it, but oh how I hope and wish so much that you feel it. You've brought so much into this world, even though you were only here for such a short time, you left us so much. 

Alena and Jamie, I can't go a day without thinking of you, and I know it will be like that for the rest of our lives. You little angels, you changed my world, you changed me. Others might not to get see the beauty of you two, but I was blessed and very lucky to get to hold you girls and cherish the time we had together. There is a quote , and I love it very much that says: 

" Others dream of seeing angels, I held 2 in my arms.." 

And that is the truth, I did... And you two have changed my life.. you made me a mommy. I feel I'll never look at anything the same again or take anything for granted. I look back at everything that has happened and can't believe that this is my life now, that your daddy and I were just starting our family, and already lost you both. You are our miracles, and I'm so sorry, I feel like I have failed you all the time. 


I love you baby girls, always and forever. I miss you, always. 

Xoxo, mommy
 " I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always 
As long as I'm living 
My babies you'll be.." 

Goodnight my sweeties, mommy loves you baby girls. 

I miss your beautiful faces oh so much... 

I love you both more then you will ever know... You are my life.

Xoxo mommy. 

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.." 

Hey sweet baby girls, 

Today daddy and I had kind of a lazy day. We went to church, came home and rearranged the living room, got the treadmill, and had dinner at grandma and grandpas. It was nice to have dinner with them. 

We decided we are going to work out at home right now while waiting to see if we can sell the gym equipment. I think it will be nice for us because we will be doing it together and it will be at home, which is a plus in someway I think. 

I wish you two were here so badly. I hangout with your cousin laney a lot, and it hurts to think she will not know you , and that you three won't be girly girls playing dress up, going to school together and all the wonderful things that would have been in your future. 

This world is a shattered place right now, but I still wish everyday that you would be here with me. I find the peace in knowing you will never know pain, but I'm selfish and want you to be with me.. I would have protected you always.. I wouldn't have ever left you baby girls. But God needed you beautiful angels, and i fight to find the strength every day to wake up without your beautiful faces here with us.. 

I love you sweet angels, always and forever. I miss my girls.. 

Goodnight

Xoxoxo, mommy 

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always 
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.." 

Nighttime

I wanted to just write and say goodnight.. One of those posts.

Goodnight my sweet angel baby girls. Mommy misses and loves you two oh so much.

Xoxo mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

I have my days.

Hey babies, 

Today I had a harder day.. It came & it went. One of the girls at work is pregnant , and while it is exciting for her and I would love to be for her.. It's extremely hard . Sometimes I find myself being  ok around pregnant woman, and other times I find it hard not to break down and cry. It's so hard, I feel like everyone is having/had or going to have babies, but I just don't know if its going to be for us.. That sounds horrible doesn't it? I'm sorry I shouldn't have said that or be thinking it.. And I know I need to stay positive and strong to get through this. 

I love you girls, and I miss you both so much. I need to do something , I need to take care of your daddy, I need to take care of your family, of me, of you guys.. As much as I can. I guess right now all I can do is take it day by day, which is pretty much all we can do anymore anyways. 

Oh my sweet girls, I think about you all the time. Time is supposed to heal all wounds, but I feel this is going to never heal, not completely. But we will just have to make it someway, with our faith. 

That's how I need to look at this, to grow stronger in my faith and work on a stronger connection with God, with your daddy. To know with all my heart you are in heaven, and in a better place, and you are such beautiful Angels. To know everyday that you are ok, better then ok. Please help me to do this. 

I love you my sweet baby girls, I love you so much, I miss you so much everyday. 
Don't ever forget my love for you Alena and Jamie, ever. 

Goodnight sweet girls. 

Xoxo, all my love, mommy


" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always 
As long as I'm living 
My babies you'll be.."