Hey baby loves,

We just got back from your aunt and uncle's. Your uncle Patrick normally likes to have tailgating parties when football starts back up, so we all  went over there and hung out for a while. It's pretty fun.

I'm probably going to be heading to bed soon. I'm really tired and we have church early tomorrow morning. I had a horrible dream last night... It was actually about what happened when we lost you two... And idk why I had to dream that, but I did. I guess I should say have a nightmare, but I woke up feeling horrible. But hopefully tonight I will see you both, in a wonderful way... And you will let me know you are okay... That you are healthy, and happy.. And that I will see you soon..

Goodnight my angels,

I love you both very very dearly..

Always & forever
Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be..."

Goodnight girls.

       Another night. Another blog post. Another silence ridden house.

Goodnight my beautiful baby girls, I love you lots ,,, and lots and lots . I miss you both so very much. My heart arches within loneliness.. And just plain sadness.

Always & forever baby girls, always & forever

Xoxo,mommy

" I'll love vou forever
I'll like you for always
As long As I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Anxiety problems.

Hey sweet baby girls,

I'm just having a crappy stressed out kinda day today. I'm getting ready to switch jobs, which is exciting and nerve wracking at the same time. I'm going to be teaching cosmetology, and possibly doing hair on the side.. We will see what happens.

I'm just scared and worried that I'm never doing the right thing, or it's going to turn out bad.. Or idk. But I know it's not in my hands, I have to trust in God. I feel I have turned into such a pessimistic, negative person.. And I don't want to be. Everything that happened with you, it's just too much to process or even think about at times. I can't believe I have such beautiful baby girls, but I can't show you off, or dress you up, or sing you sweet lullabies.. I just pray, and write this blog, and ay goodnight at your urn every night , hoping you are hearing and seeing all of this..

Goodnight my beautiful baby girls.. I love you so so much.

Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Goodnight my beautiful angels babies.. I've thought about you so much today.. I feel like I'm losing my mind some days , it's just so hard..

I love you my beautiful girls, I love you both so very very much.

Goodnight angels. I pray to dream of you tonight...

Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" ill love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Hey sweet peas,

Today I went and talked with Angela . I'm wanting to work on myself. I want to be a better person, and give all I can give. I want to be the kind of person I would be if you two girls were in my arms at this very moment , because I know you two make me a better person just by letting me be your mom.

My dear Alena and Jamie.. How I terribly miss you both, and love you so so much . I wish every single day this was me just waking up from a nightmare.. But I don't get to wake up. So I just pray, and hope for the day we are together forever.

Goodnight my beautiful angels, you will never know how much I love you ..

Always & forever
Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

My loves.

Hey baby loves,

I miss you both so much. I just want you to always know how much you are loved, how much you are missed, how much you are thought about, prayed about. The days without you are long and can b very hard. I try to stay busy, but sometimes that isn't always easy.

Goodnight my pretty girls, mommy loves you oh so very very much.

Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Hey sweet peas,

I had a crappy start to the morning today. Just been kinda emotional lately... Well I should say , same as always huh? What's new on that front.. Doing a little ok now, but maybe it's just because I know it's night and it will be another new day tomorrow.

I miss you both terribly. Your daddy and I are kinda struggling right now, just wondering and hoping about things for the future... Me, him, us, you, our family , our future.. Idk girls. I keep praying everyday to just be able to let go , honestly let go and know that God will take care of us.

Goodnight my beautiful angels, I love you so so so very much.

Always & forever
Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

My dear sweet girls,

I've been thinking about you so much. How I've been handling myself lately, how I've been about God , how I've felt about Him, how I've felt about losing you.. I just don't want your death to be in vain. I want people to know how much joy you've brought to my life, how much light and happiness and whole ness I felt with you girls. You made my life complete.

Trust me, I'm not saying that I'm not sad, or that I don't cry and get mad and scream, or just sit alone and want to be alone. I just don't want you to always see me sad, that's not fair to you, and I never want you to know the pain I feel. You girls are so special and only deserve to know happiness, love , peace and lots and lots of love. That's all I ever want you to know..

Goodnight my beautiful angels, I pray to dream of you..

I love you , I love you..

Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Goodnight.

Hey baby loves,

Writing to say goodnight. Today had been a not so good day for me, and I'm ready to see it over.
Which just means one more day closer to seeing you again..

Goodnight my beautiful angels.. Thank you for my butterflies today <3 I love you sweet baby girls, I love you.

Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be..

Hey loves,

Today has been an interesting day. Just been doing a little of running around,, tomorrow is my final interview at regency, I may be teaching.. Idk yet. We will see what happens..

Anyways, I don't want to talk about that stuff. I just want this to be where I talk about how much you girls mean to me, how much I miss you and I love you.. Which is so very much.

I'm reading a book called " I still believe". It's written by wonderful Christian singer named Jeremy camp. He sings some pretty powerful stuff, and this book is about how he got through losing his wife and the trials and tribulations of his life, but holding steadfast to his faith and love for God, and consistently relying on Him and knowing He will get him through anything. I'm hoping it speaks to me tremendously.. That's the kind of faith I need girls.

Goodnight my beautiful angels, thank you for my butterflies  today...

I love you.. I miss you.. .
Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be..

Goodnight my angels,
I'm sorry I'm writing so late , group ran late tonight and I'm just now getting to write.

Goodnight my beautiful angels, I love love love love love you dearly.
I miss you more then I could ever put in words.. A void that will never be filled...

My sweet Alena and Jamie, I love you girls so terribly much.

Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
Ill like you for always
As long as im living
My babies you'll be.."

Miracles.

That's what you two are,

Our sweet little miracles.

I want you to know that, Ad be reminded of that every day. That you are miracles, Gods perfect gift to us. I couldn't have been blessed anymore then that in which being your mommy. You girls are my everything,,, I love you sweeties.

Goodnight my angels, I hope to dream of you tonight, as I hope to every night. I love you..

Always & forever
Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Hey pretty girls..

My dear baby girls ,

Today is August 19th, called the day of hope, to us grieving mothers, fathers, grandparents, aunts , uncles, siblings.. Today I made your prayers flag. It is all butterflies, and mostly pink and yellow.. I know it isn't the best, and I am not very creative most of the time, but I am very happy I got it done, because it was bothering me that I hadn't already. I hung it outside our door tonight . It made me kinda sad, thinking about why I was making one of them.. And just hurt my heart. I'm glad to do things like that to memorialize you.. But why I'm doing them is also the reason it hurts me.

I miss you babies. I miss you girls so much.. I just, I have so many moments where I can't believe this really happened... That this is our life. My life without you just doesn't seem like much anymore, and I can't tell you enough, say it enough, or feel it enough.. How unbelievably sorry I am for everything.

I love you my sweet girls, I love you so much.

Always & forever
Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Hey my beautiful babies,

I'm not one with words today, I think today was just.. Idk .

Your daddy actually talked to me a little today. We had taken some stuff out of your nursery and one of the things I felt that was hard to keep, were these two really fluffy, soft teddy bear onesie coat things we had picked out for you girls. At the time we had no idea if you were boys, or girls, and wanted to make sure they were matching.. They were just white. Your daddy apparently just took them back the other day, and told me that it was extremely hard on him.. And he was very upset. He had said something before about just keeping one of them, but said no, it is just too hard and he couldn't.. I know that was really hard on him, and it hurts me that he had to do that.

I can't believe how many plans, dreams, adventures, wishes... Just everything flew out the window when we lost you two. They just disappeared. I'm so so sorry for all the things we never got to do with you, I'm so sorry girls. I feel like I've let you down every single day.

I love you my sweet girls, I love you both so very very much.
I miss you with my whole heart..

Goodnight my angels, goodnight.
I love you, always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be..."

Remembering ..

Hey sweet girls,

Tonight your uncle pat and daddy went to a later movie , so I came over to hang out with your aunt Ashley and cousin Laney. We played around for a little with laney until she went to bed, and just now we were laying down , talking about you two, and I find myself wondering again and again how this happened.. How this all happened so fast, so so fast, and you were here for so little, and then gone so fast. We didn't even get any time with you before you were gone.. I just hate this so much!!! I have to sit here and miss you everyday, to miss out on life with you everyday, to try and make a life and make something of myself every day, to try and live again.. With out you.

I'm so tired girls. I fear I will be tired the rest of my life, because so much of me is missing, that I'll never be able to catch up to that half of me again. You girls make up so much of me, are such a huge part of my very being, my very existence.. That life with you seems impossible at best, most days it feels like the biggest struggle I will ever have to overcome. I just miss you both so much, gosh I miss you so much. My heart can ache so much at times that I truly believe it has broken into a million pieces.

I love you my sweet beautiful darlings. I hope you know I love you more then words can ever say, them all the stars in the sky, and all the fish in the sea. My little girls, you are my everythings.. My miracles. I love you baby girls, I love you .

Always & forever
Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Hey baby loves,

Today was your aunt Ashley's 26th birthday. We went over to have dessert and do presents with her. That's usually what we do for birthdays now.

Not much to day today. Was really busy while I was at work today, so I am now really really tired And gonna wake up and do it all again tomorrow. But I needed to write you sweet girls.

Goodnight my sweets angels, I love you so so much and miss you dearly.
Love you baby girls,

Always & forever
Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Love you.

My sweet girls,

I just am writing to say goodnight. I'm not feeling so hot right now, so I'm going to be heading to bed pretty soon. Even if this is all I've really got to say, I still want to write and say goodnight and I love you my sweet beautiful babies..

I love you girls,
Always & forever..

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Sweet babies

Hey my sweet baby loves,

Was home today. The day started out kind dreary, so I did too. Really didn't do much today. I cleaned  some and then later we All went to tupelo honey. This new restaurant in downtown Greenville. It was really good. It was An all organic, natural food. It was a nice time. The weather is starting to really cool down, and the 70s feels really good.

I miss you two. I miss you girls so much . There's just so much going on and how life just continues to go on... I just wish sometimes that it wouldn't. I hate having to miss you..

I love you my sweet girls, I love you so so much.
Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Hey baby loves,

We've been having some pretty big summer storms lately. They don't stay for long, but they are bringing cooler weather for a little while.

I feel like today I'm ok, that I've made it through another day. Hopefully tomorrow won't be so bad either.. I think you girls must be really watching over me lately, trying to make sure I'm ok.. Thank you for being my angels baby girls, thank you..

I love , adore, miss you baby girls so so much. I really really do.

Truly, always & forever..

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

7 months.

My sweet Alena and Jamie,

Today marks 7 months since you joined us, 7 months since you've left us. It's been 7 months of pure emptiness, brokenness, hurt, sadness. But I will say, even though this isn't true every day, I'm doing a little better. I can go longer without crying, although I still do it a lot. I can smile when I think about you, or not cry when we say goodnight at your urn.. I'm trying.

Daddy seems to be doing ok, or he is hiding. He is very good at hiding if he is upset or hurt. Although he tells me he would tell me , I think he's afraid I can't handle it. So I pray and hope if he is struggling inside, that he will eventually learn I will want to help him too.

I still can't believe we are hitting another month, and to what a horrible month markers these are. Sometimes I just can't believe I'm still here...

Good night my beautiful angels, goodnight . Mommy loves you so so much, I love you baby girls.

Always & forever
Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Wow..

Hey sweet girls,

Tomorrow will be 7 months since we said our goodbyes. These days are so surreal, and almost seem not real at all. I really can't believe it's been 7 months.. To my heart it seems like it was just yesterday. I told your daddy that I can't believe I am still here, some days I just can't believe I'm making it through. I feel as things are just routine now. I wake up, eat breakfast, shower or get ready for work, on days I'm off I get up and clean or go grocery shopping. I wish .. No I ache for mornings of getting you ready and spending my days with you.. That's all I ever want, to spend my time with you. I've always wanted to get married young And have babies young.. And now it seems scary that its a dream that might never come true .. That my babies will just be in heaven and not here with me.

As I'm writing this I'm thinking about what the message was at church today, about how being a Christian isn't just about having strong faith.. It's about trusting God completely, knowing that no matter what happens, you have to trust in him. I feel I'm getting there some days. I know I have faith in him, but it is very hard to trust.. Especially with everything that has happened.. I want to be abetter Christian , to know I'll see my baby girls again. I just miss you both so so very much, I really really do.

Goodnight my beautiful angels, I love you both so much.

Always & forever
Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Storming again..

Hey baby loves,

Tonight we are having another big summer storm, we are getting a lot of those lately. Laney is staying the night with us tonight for the first time ever, and she keeps commenting on it.

As much as I'm excited for her to stay, it's makes me sad, and kinda nervous. I feel like she should be playing withi you and loving on you.. She loves babies so much right now.. I miss you both so very much..

I love you my sweet baby girls, I love you both so very very much. Please don't ever ever forget that..
Always & forever

Goodnight angels.

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you,forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Hey sweet babies,

We just got home from the panthers pre season game. Some guy at your daddy's work gave him tickets for us to go so we went to Charlotte for the night..

I'm so sorry not writing last night. I actually wrote two posts and one got deleted and the other one, no matter how many times I kept trying to post it wouldn't post, so I'm sorry babies.

Goodnight my beautiful angels.. Everywhere I looked tonight I just kept seeing little girls, and babies and pregnant woman.. I just miss you both so much, and missed so much with you both..

I love you girls , always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you or always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Tonight

Hey sweet girls,

Tonight was another group night. We are slowly reaching the end of our study, but the girls still want to try to hang out and do stuff every once in a while. I got a little upset, I've been ok the last couple of times, but these last couple of days have gotten to me.. Just been having some hard ones girls. I I just miss you both so very much and sometimes it's just too much .. It really can be.

Goodnight my baby girls, mommy loves you more then ill ever be able to express to you, or tell you.

Another day closer..

I love you and miss you girls, I love you.

Always & forever xoxo,mommy

" I'll love you forever
Ill like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Hey baby loves,

Today the rain started again, we've had a good bit of sun for a little so been enjoying that but the rain came today. Your daddy and I went for a walk later and it cooled down a lot, so it was nice. Your daddy is training Carly a bit more while we are walking, he seems to be doing really good with her.  A lot better then me, she's really tries my patience. I try , well maybe I don't try as hard as I need to with her. I guess sometimes I just feel like giving up, giving up in general I suppose.

Goodnight my beautiful girls, I've missed you a lot today. Honestly, I miss you a lot everyday. It doesn't seem to get any less anyday.

I love you my baby girls, I love you so much.

Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
Ill like you for always
As long As I'm living
My babies you'll be..

Hi baby girls,

Was having a good day, but turned crappy towards the end of it. Daddy took his placement test for college today so he's only Been home a little today, I've been home by myself mostly today. I'm just overall having a crappy time..


Goodnight my baby girls, I love you both very very much. I just can't tell you how much I miss you and wish, I need you here with me. Everything would be so much better with you here.. Everything would be better..

I love you. Always & forever

Xoxox, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long As I'm living
My babies you'll be.l"

Another week..

Hey sweet hearts,

Today we went to church, and I am glad to say church helps me a good bit. Every Sunday your daddy and I light two candles for you and pray up at the front of the church. Sometimes Emily or your grandpa will do it with me, but it's mostly daddy. It makes me feel like you are there somehow, which I know you are, but still..

Goodnight my beautiful angels. I think about you all the time and love you so so very much. I never want you to forget that.. Or forget me. I love you darlings, I love you..

Anyways & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Hey baby dolls,

Today we got up early and participated In our neighbor hood garage sale. It wasn't really that busy, we did ok, but I guess something is better then nothing right? Afterwards since its been so muggy and was extremely hot today, we went swimming for the day.

I've had an okay day. Your daddy kept Asking me what was wrong earlier, and I couldn't tell him anything was going on, because it wasn't... I just felt off and just kinda.. Idk sad. I think lately I am getting better about keeping a smile on for people or handling things better, but I'm not always going to be able to do that., or feel that way. Normal.. What is that..

Goodnight my beautiful baby girls, may you know how much I love you, and how dearly and how much I miss you girls,,, I truly do.

Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Another day down.

Hey love bugs,

Today didn't have much going on, so I'd just like to say goodnight. And that I love you baby girls tremendously. You are my beautiful sweet angels, and I love you more then I will ever get to say.. I pray to dream of you tonight, I pray to see you soon... I pray to know you are ok ..
I love you Alena Marie ad Jamie Rae, I really do.

Always & forever
Xoxo,mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Emotional

Hey pretty babies,

I've been pretty emotional lately. Been having a hard couple of days and just wishing I wasn't so anxious and scared all The time. But everything is so different now, and every little thing freaks me out and I'm just so scared to live life now, or to try to live life? Idk , life sometimes isn't worth living when you are already gone and I'm left without you here..

Goodnight my beautiful baby girls, I love you with my whole heart.. My whole being. You are my amazing miracles, my beautiful daughters. I love you.. I miss you.

Always and forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."