January 31.2014

Hey sweet things,

Wow, the last day of January. I remember just praying for the first week of February last year.. And honestly I have been doing that this year too. Your mommy is a crazy lady, I truly feel I am losing it some days. I am trying to keep it all together, but I've had somewhat of a hard night tonight. I wish it wasn't like this girls, I wish I could just be "normal" .. I don't even know the meaning of that word anymore.. Because there isn't a normal. I am legitimately trying to just make it.. Make it for me, make it for your daddy, make it for my sweet babies... I just want to make it girls..

I love you both so very terribly much, I truly love and miss you.
Thank you for watching over us, all of us, especially your little brother.

I love you, always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as Im living
My babies you'll be.."

January 30.2014

My beautiful angels,

I write to say goodnight, and tell you both how much I truly miss you, and how I truly love you both with all my heart. I am the person I am today because of you two girls, and I know I want to be better everyday to show you two you can be proud of me. I'm not perfect and I stumble a lot.. Thank you for helping pick me off the ground.

I love you baby girls, thank you for being our guardian angels.. For looking after your little brother.

Always & forever my loves..

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

January 29.2014

My pretty girls,

Since we got some snow last night and it made the roads really icy, daddy got to go into work a little later today. I know he was really hoping he would have the day off, mostly because he was going to use the day to catch up and try to get ahead on his schoolwork. I did my usual weds routines today, nothing too special. I was up early with daddy today though, so I am pretty tired pretty early tonight.

I've been thinking a lot about the road we've traveled, and truly how many horrible bumps we hit along the road. Sometimes I feel I can go back to exactly how I felt then, like time stopped... There were so many times it felt like that girls...

I love you my sweet angels,I truly love and adore you with my whole heart. I hope and pray you never go a day without knowing that.. Always & forever


Goodnight Alena and Jamie

Xoxox mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

January 28.2014

Hey babies,

Today was your cousin Laneys 3rd birthday. We went over tonight and did presents with cake and ice cream. We had a hard time getting over there. It snowed today but most of it is turning into ice, so the roads are getting or are already really bad. It was nice to see some snow today though.

I miss you too very very much, I wish so much you were here. Goodnight my pretty girls, I love you always & forever..

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be .,"

January 27.2014

Hey baby loves,

I'm up a little bit later then I wanted to be, got me an early day at work tomorrow. It's also your cousins 3rd birthday, so your aunt and uncle have a party planned for her. She wants to do minions .

Some days I feel I'm better about talking about you girls without getting upset , and idk how but i can. And then other times I feel I can't talk about you WITHOUT getting upset. These emotions really sometimes get the best of your momma. Yesterday I just had a bad day and wanted to just be left alone, to be with myself and my thoughts.

Goodnight my beautiful angels. I forever hope you always know of my love, and how much I miss you and cherish the memories of you sweet baby girls. You are forever in my heart, I love you both so much, always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

January 26.2014

Hi my sweet girls,

Tonight I took your cousin to a friends sons' birthday party. He is only 2 days older then laney, so I thought it would be fun and a good opportunity for her to get out and play. I hope she had a lot of fun.

I've had a bad day today. I just started out upset and now I'm just really sad. It must just be an emotional day. Or mad or hurt.. Idk girls. Some days I truly feel like I'm losing it, and I think today is one of those days. I just miss you both so much, I can't stand it. I don't get to ask questions,but with that also doesn't bring answers, and I don't think they would make anything better, but sometimes I feel I need them. That I need answers. That I need to know why.. Why me God? Why does this happen? Why does anyone know this pain, this heartbreak, this brokenness? Why does anyone need to feel this? Idk girls,I just don't know some days. I don't like feeling like this, because it doesn't change anything or make anything better.. Just makes me hurt more.

I'm going to say goodnight my love bugs. I miss you both truly so very much, and wish you here with every ounce of my being. I love you Alena and Jamie. Always and forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

January 26.2014

Hey love bugs,

Tonight we had Jennifer and Megan over for dinner. I finally got to show Megan the Molly bears she so very generously and sweetly helped us get for you girls. It was a nice night. We got to hang out for a while, so I am sorry I am writing you so late. They are really sweet people. They've been with us through everything, and been some of the most understanding people about you girls.. Very sweet friends.

I just wanted to write you and tell you how special you are, how my world is a better place because of the bright spot you girls bring into it. I love you both so very very much. Thank you for watching over all of us, especially your little brother.

Goodnight my beautiful angels, I love and miss you so very much.
Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

January 24.2014

Goodnight my sweet baby loves.

Momma loves you and misses you both so very much.

Thank you girls for being our angels, for watching over all of us...

I love you Alena Marie and Jamie Rae, I love you both so much.
Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

January 23.2014

Hey baby girls,

These last two nights have been kinda interesting for your daddy and I. I wasn't even sure i was going to get to write you, the internet and data stuff is all out of service on our phones and at home, but weve got something hooked up so daddy could do homework and i could write you.

Thank you for watching over us, for watching over your little brother. I know that you two are truly looking out for him, and how lucky is he.. to have you two beautiful, amazing girls as his big sisters. I know how lucky i am just being your mom..

I miss you, i miss you two so very much. Not a day has gone by you haven't been on my mind, and i know it will forever be like that. But my memories are what i have, and i hold onto those dearly.

Good night my beautiful angels, how i love you so very very much.
always & forever..

xoxo, mommy

" ill love you forever
ill like you for always
as long as im living
my babies youll be.."

January 22.2014

Hey sweet peas,

Mommy loves you and misses you both so very very much. I've just been thinking about you a lot today , and really missing you.. I'm so worried sometimes that you two don't know that, but deep down in my heart, past all my worries, my fears, my anxiety.. I know you two know very much my love for you. And that is truly all I ask, everyday. That our bond, our love for each other is never diminished or lessened by any amount of time, distance, or lack of faith.

Goodnight my sweet baby girls, I love and miss you tremendously.
Always & forever.

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Thankful

Hey my sweet girls,

Instead of dating your post, I wanted a different title. And I went with that , because tonight, I truly feel this in my heart. I'm thankful girls. You were miracles. You grew inside me. I felt your kicks, your punches, your movements. I felt you play with each other, I watched you grow bigger together. I prayed for you , everyday... Before you were even made, before I got pregnant. I prayed for you everyday growing, good news and bad news. I said hello to you together, and I kissed you goodbye together.

Everyday is a hard day with out you, honestly it is. But everyday is a reminder of our special bond, of our beautiful moments together, of our mother & daughters time.

I'm thankful for you Alena and Jamie. You made me a mom, you made me a better person. I'm angry, and sad and upset and hurt everyday that you're gone, but I'm blessed to have had you in my life. Im a better person because you were my daughters. I'm a believer, because you opened my eyes. I'm who I am, because of you two very special little girls.

I find myself realizing instead of being so angry, I need to focus on the good. On how I am lucky i was a even able to get pregnant, and then to find out I was having two beautiful babies! To have had you for the time I did, no matter how short. To have felt you and watched you grow.. To have known the love of a mother and her children... How lucky am I to have had that with you two.. Not so many have been blessed or can say that.

My life will forever have a void where you two have left, but my heart will continue to know of our love, our bond, our strength. Because your strength gets me through, your love keeps me fighting.

Thank you girls, thank you for being our blessings, for being our guardian angels.. For watching over your little brother every day. Thank you God for these babies in my life, for letting me be their mom.

I love you Alena and Jamie, always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for Always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be..

January 20.2014

Hey sweet peas,

Daddy and I were up early today for work, well daddy always wakes up early but I got up with him today. It's been a long day.

I was just writing in to say that I love you both very very much, and miss you. I think about you all the time & wish so very much you were both here.

Thank you for watching over all of us, and being our sweet guardian angels.

Goodnight my beautiful girls, I love you , forever & always
Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

January 19.2014

Hello my darling girls,

Today daddy and I have been busy trying to do so one things around the house. Training Carly on the fence, cleaning house, cleaning cars, packing up some more stuff from the other house. Just busy work I suppose. This week is going to be a busy week, I'm really hoping it goes by fast...

I miss you sweet girls. Carly Marie has a blog about self mediation before you go to sleep, how to bring positivity in yourself before you go to sleep, not negativity. I'm going to try it tonight. She said she uses her time to go outside and look at the stars, and talk to loved ones.. And I believe I am going to do that tonight.

Goodnight my beautiful baby girls, I love and miss you both so much more then you will ever know.
Always & forever Alena and Jamie ..

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

January 18.2014

Goodnight my sweet baby girls,

I love you both , to the moon & back, forever & always ..

Never ever forget that my beautiful loves, never.

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Janauary 17.2014

Hey sweet girls ,

Today has been a long day. Your momma is really tired. I slept really horrible last night, kept freaking out about a bunch of different things. I really wish some days I could get this anxiety under control. I believe that's just when I need to start praying more then, huh girls?

I had a new client today, and I was able to talk to her about you girls without breaking down, I really couldn't believe it. Maybe it's because she doesn't know me or know anything,, who knows but I was proud to be able to talk about you and be happy about it. Not about the situation, but happy cause the joy of having you girls as daughters , as my sweet baby girls.. And getting to share you with the world.

I love you Alena and Jamie, I love you so very much.
Always & forever babies.

Goodnight, xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

January 16.2014

Hey sweet peas,

Today was a nice day in the fact of Debby, our labor and delivery nurse with you girls came and got her hair done at the salon. Idk why but It makes me feel good to talk with her, and to talk about you two girls with her and just , I guess since she was there and helped deliver you I know she knows my
Pain. And she understands? Idk if that's true but I like to believe it. She also is the nurse who delivered your cousin Delaney.

Our friend Angela had her rainbow baby girl today. I know jack and Alice are up there with you looking down on their little sister and mom.

I miss you my sweet beautiful girls. I've been having flashbacks today and just kinda sad thinking about you. I miss you both so very very much , and love you so so terribly.

Goodnight my beautiful angels, I love you forever & always

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for Always
As long  as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

January 15.2014

Hey baby loves,

Daddy and I babysat your cousin Delaney tonight. She loves to do dance parties, and when we were spinning she asked to dance with your bears, and just held them so tightly.  We didn't dance with them long, but it was really so very sweet. Sometimes when I am hanging out with her , I think about you two and how this would be what we would be doing , or how different would the stuff we would be doing at that time be?? I miss a lot with you girls.

Goodnight my sweet beautiful angels, I hope to dream of you , sometime, anytime.. I always want to see you. I love you sweet peas, always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

January 14.2014

My dear babies,

Today's been an interesting day I guess, to say the least. One of the girls at my work , I was talking with her. She recently had and early loss, and I just felt like I needed to talk to her, and let her know I'm here if she ever needed to talk. She looked at me and asked me how I did it, how did I get through this.. And honestly girls, I don't have an answer. I remember asking God to take me too, to trade me for you two, that daddy and everyone would be okay, because they would have you. That it wasn't right me to continue being here and your life not even getting a chance here on earth... Every day , if God were to ask me , I would want you girls and your brother to have life here , and I would give mine for yours. I know He doesn't work that way, and He has his reasons and ways for everything.. But I would hesitate to give you all everything I could..

I just need you both to know every single day how much I love you, how much I miss you, how much you mean to me.

Goodnight my beautiful babies,
I love you, always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

January 13.2014

Hey beautiful girls,

I just want to write and say I love you and goodnight tonight. I feel I don't have much to say today, but as always I still want to write you that , because I want you both to know every single day how much you are loved, and now much you are missed.

Now, forever & always my loves,

Thank you for watching over us, all of us.

I love you.

Goodnight girls.

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for Always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

January 12.2014. Your 1st birthday.

Happy birthday my beautiful darlings.

Your aunt Emily made you both your own beautiful cakes. Alena, yours was pink, and Jamie yours was yellow. They were beautiful , just perfect. We went to the ball field across from the subdivision and sent off two link Chinese lanterns. We wanted to be out in the open to make sure they didn't get stuck in trees or anything. We watched them until we couldn't see them anymore.. I also read the poem from our walk in October. I keep it up on the mantel with your urn, I love it very much. It was really hard for me to get through, but I wanted to say more then just I love you and miss you..

It was a weird day. We didn't know how to plan stuff , what we should do.. How is a day like this supposed to go? Overall, I really just wanted you to have your own cakes, and to send off something for you girls. I wanted your life celebrated, I wanted you both to be celebrated. To say you are loved is an understatement. You are beyond loved, beyond missed, beyond cherished.

I love you my beautiful baby girls. Happy first birthday, and oh how I so terribly wish we were all spending it together today..

Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

January 11.2014

Hey baby girls,

Tonight at this time last year I was in the hospital...

I've been thinking about that a lot today. As this day has gone on, I've thought about when something was wrong, when we went in, when we found out the worst news we could ever be told. Just how it seems like it just happened yesterday, and tomorrow is going to be a year since we've lost you. I just , I really can't believe it.

Some days have been a little easier then others, but the hard days are still very much there.. It's been a year since I've held you, since I last looked at your beautiful faces. Since I last felt you move. I miss you girls every day, every. Single. Day.

Tomorrow is your birthday. I've seen moms of angel babies call them angelversaries too. I'm not sure which one, because singing happy birthday is going to be hard , you know? It's not the happiest of days. But then I feel horrible for saying that because having you two girls is such a reason to be happy and grateful and thank the good Lord above for letting us be your parents, no matter how little time we got together. You were and are and will continue to be my most precious beautiful baby girls, always & forever. You will always have a most special place in my heart Alena and Jamie, always. You are my girls.

I love you both more then life itself. Good night my beautiful angels.

Love you, always & forever
Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

January 10.2014

Hey sweet peas,

Megan and Jennifer sent beautiful pink and yellow flowers for your birthday today. I saw them on the front porch and just started crying. It was so very sweet, so thoughtful. It meant so much to me, it means so much. Look at all the lives you've touched girls, the lives you've affected, the lives you've left your mark on... I'm so proud, so amazed by you both. For the short time you were here, what difference you've made in my life, our lives. We are the lucky ones girls..

Our time was cut too short Alena and Jamie, it truly was. Everyday I think about that.. Everyday.

Goodnight my beautiful baby girls , I love you to the moon and back. I love you infinity , I love you.. Forever & always

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for Always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

January 9.2014

Hey sweet peas,

I wish I could see how you girls are doing, what you look like, what you can do, how different you are now.. I'm sure you are just as beautiful, if not more then the last day I saw you.

I miss you my sweet girls. I love you both so very much. Angela asked me if we have anything special planned for your birthday. I guess as special as we can make it, huh? I want to have a pretty day for you though...

I think daddy and I are doing okay,  for the most part. He doesn't talk much about if he's having a hard day or time, so I worry about that. It really just depends on the day, the time, the moment.. Anything can hurt you or make you sad, or affect you in some weird, emotional way. Grief truly is a horrible, never ending roller coaster.

I miss you both so much. I wish more then anything we were all together right now. What I wouldn't give for this whole family to be together right now, all of us.. As selfish as it sounds, because you are in heaven, and there is no better place in the entire universe .. I know I will never stop feeling you would be better with me..

I love you beautiful girls. I love you forever & always

Xoxo, mommy
" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

January 8.2014

Hey pretty girls,

Today I was off and just cleaned up around the house and did a little grocery shopping.. Typical weds.
I was actually up really early today and after cleaning I fell asleep on the couch , haven't done that in awhile.

Daddy started school back today so he is going to be really busy for a while. I know it's hard on him, but I am so very very proud of him for trying and for going back to school . Your daddy really is a wonderful, hard working man. I know he loves you two beautiful girls very very much.

I think I'm going to be heading to bed soon, it's been a long cold day. Weather is supposed to be rainy soon but I am hoping it continues to stay nice for your birthday for the lanterns..

Goodnight my beautiful baby girls, I love you both so very very very much.
Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as Im living
My babies you'll be.."

January 7.2014

Goodnight my sweet girls,
I love you both so very much . Always & forever

Xoxox mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as Im living
My babies you'll be.."

January 6.2014

My sweet angels,

Daddy and I got around to finally taking down the Christmas tree today. Not that it's too far off from Christmas but I was ready for us to put it away. He was also pretty excited, he cleaned the garage out a little more to fit his car in so both of ours are now in there. He's kinda like a little kid with that stuff.

I will say goodnight my beautiful girls. I love you , I love you and miss you both so very very much.
I wish we were together So very much.

Always & forever
Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

January 5.2014

Hey baby loves,

The weather has been getting really weird. Today has been a really foggy, misty cold day and we are expected to get snow tomorrow. Half of the country is pretty much buried in it right now.

Still just getting little things done around the house, and thinking about getting the other one fixed up for grandma. Going back to work tomorrow. I've already had one cancel and another one tell me she might need to cause of the weather, so we shall see what kind of a day it will be . Daddy is getting ready to start back up with school again, he is not looking forward to that at all. Trying to get the spare room ready for him to have a little office or study area.

I miss you my sweet girls, I miss you very very much. I wish we would've been all bundled up today in the house spending time together.. I love you Alena Marie and Jamie Rae, I love you my baby girls.. Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

January 4.2014

Hello darlings,

I just want to write tonight how much I love you. How very much I cherish you girls, how I think about you all the time, how I want us to be together more then anything. How much I miss you, and how terribly much you both mean to me.

Alena and Jamie, I love you girls, forever & always. You are my baby girls, my sweeties, my little princesses. I love you ,I love you, I love you. I can't say or tell you enough , I love you.

Goodnight my angels, thank you for watching over us.
Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

January 3.2014

Hey sweet girls,

Today has been a sad day. Just some things going on with people I know, and I've been really sad for them, and thinking about both of you and just.. Like I've said, it's just going to be a sad, hard month. I know that already..

Just getting ready to go to bed, I'm exhausted today..

Goodnight my sweet beautiful baby girls , thank you so much for watching over us every single day, and being such beautiful blessings in our lives.

Loveyou girls, always& forever

Xoxox mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as im living
My babies you'll be.."

January 2. 2014

Hey love bugs,

Sometimes I truly feel I don't have anything to say, anything to share. I feel mundane. That I write you the same things all the time. Honestly, the only things I truly feel I need to get out and say are how much I love you girls, how much I miss you and wish you were here, because that is what I feel every single day, those thoughts.. Those feelings.

I feel I can talk a little more about you without crying every time, well sometimes it depends on the person or the situation. But I can share more, talk about you more.. I get upset but I don't break down every single time. And then there are times where I can't talk at all. But that's grief, coming in the many waves and forms that it comes in, as we constantly get told.

January is going to be a hard month, I know for sure. I'm hoping to make it through girls.
I love and miss you both, So terribly much. always & forever.

Xoxo, mommy
" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

January 1. 2014

Hello beautiful girls,

Today is the first day of 2014. It is also the beginning of January, a month that fills me with sadness and pain. I am dreading and am scared for the next few weeks. Coming up on your one year is just so... Idk. It's so many things. I feel I just want to get past it and get out of this month, these next few months. Then some days I feel I need to just sit in it, and just feel all of this. All this heartbreak, this sadness, this emptiness. Idk girls, I'm really losing it some days, I am.

I'm crying a lot, I know I'm emotional anyways but I just want to cry and sleep and just past these lonely thoughts. I miss you both so terribly much, gosh I miss you Alena and Jamie. I can't even begin to explain to you how my heart aches for you. I love you girls, I love you forever & always.

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as im living
My babies you'll be.."