October 31

Happy Halloween darlings,

Our neighborhood doesn't get hit with many trick or treaters, it's kinda small. I believe there was some walking around earlier. I'm watching the nightmare before Christmas, it's one of my favorite movies.. I would've made you watch it with me, I know you would've liked it like your momma does.

Today was an okay day today. Daddy has still been pretty busy with homework, so that's been leaving me to kinda just be by myself. I'm very proud of him , he really has been working hard even though he's not a fan of school at all. He's been doing really good girls.

I wish so much you were here.. Here with Me. Here with us..

Goodnight my beautiful angels, I love you both so very very much.
Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

October 30

My dear girls,

Halloween is tomorrow. It would have been your 1st. I had a lot of different ideas I had thought about for you two. Princesses, thing 1& 2..just fun cute different costumes for twins. Well I actually had a lot of ideas , for a lot of things. Just another something to accept and get used to I guess..

I'm not trying to act like people need to feel sorry for me, or feel bad for me. That doesn't help anything or change anything.. Nothing does. I just miss you both so much, and certain times are harder then others, because we got cheated of the lives we were to have together, the memories to share and create, the love.

My sweet girls, you are in a much safer and better place then I could ever have made for you.. But it doesn't mean I don't miss you any less, or am less selfish. I miss you girls, I really do.


I love you girls, I love you so so so very much.

Always &forever

Xoxo,mommy

" I'll love you forever
Ill like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

October 29

My sweet angels,

I'm having a hard time tonight. I was looking at your u/s pictures, and just keep realizing how those will be the only pictures we have of you , that we will ever have.

By the time we could even do 4d u/s , we couldn't even get one of you Alena, you had lost so much fluid. Jamie is so little in hers, and I remember the day so vividly. I was laying there with my hand on my head in a fist and the u/s tech goes " look, she is posing just like her momma." I remember laying there at those u/s loving seeing you, but so scared everytime we went, because we never knew when would be the last time... I so regret we never got a good 4d picture of you Alena, because it's all I have, And I needed one of you.

I can be strong girls, or at least try. That's what I'm trying to do it right now, because I know you would be mad at me for certain things if I wasn't at least trying. I just, gosh I miss you both so much, I just truly truly miss you, and my heart aches for you girls every single day.

I love you my sweet , beautiful, miracle baby girls.. I love you darlings.
Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be..."

October 28

Hello my darlings,

Today I slept a little too much, if there is such thing. That 12 hour class was definitely tiring.

Daddy and if haven't been up to too much lately. He has been studying and doing stuff for school. He doesn't seem to like it much at all, I know he keeps saying school is not for him..but he is doing really good. I know you are proud of him girls.

Things are okay, like I always say.. We have our good days and our bad. I feel I always have the worst days, but your daddy is just a lot stronger then me , I know he is.

I miss you both so very very much, somedays I can't even get through it, make a way through it. My sweet sweet girls, I love you so terribly much. And just want you to know, I just need you to know. I need you to know how much I love you, how much you mean to me, how much I miss you. Don't forget me baby girls, don't forget me..

Goodnight sweet peas,

I love you , I love you my sweet girls.
Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

October 27

Hey girls,

I'm really sorry this is going to be a short post again, I had continuing ed for over 12 hours today , and I am so so very tired and don't feel well at all. I'm so sorry my sweet girls...I'll write more tomorrow.

Goodnight my sweet beautiful girls, I truly love and miss you both so much.
Anyways & forever

Xoxo, mommy
"I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

October 26

Hey love bugs,

Mommy has a long day of continuing end tomorrow, so I am very ready to go to bed. I will be gone for about 16 hours tomorrow... LONG day.

So i am writing to say goodnight and i love you both very dearly. Goodnight my beautiful angels, may I dream of you tonight. Thank you for another day today, for another day of watching over us.

I love you so so much girls.
Always & forever

Xoxo,mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be..."

October 25

My sweet girls,

I love you. I just want you to know that. I feel cheated , I feel you are cheated. Because i can write you on here and tell you, and I can pray and talk to you somewhat, but it's not the way of showing you how much you are loved in the ways you should be. My dear girls, I can only hope you know how much you are, how much you are loved and missed, and cherished in every way possible.

Goodnight my beautiful angels,I miss you so much and hope to dream of you tonight.
Thank you for watching over us, and taking care of us.
I love you baby girls, i love you both so very much.

Always &forever
Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.. "

Oct 24

Hey sweet baby girls,

It has started to get so cold, but it is so beautiful. I really love fall. As long as the sun is shining , the weather is absolutely beautiful. I still wonder a lot if you guys have weather changes in heaven, but I'm sure if you do , your seasons are so much more beautiful then I could ever imagine.

Things are okay here, we have our good and bad days I suppose. That's really all I can say to anyone, honestly. I get tired of the questions.

Goodnight my angels, sleep well and know that I love you truly so much and think about you often. I wish you would come to me, let me see you somehow. I miss you.

I love you Alena and Jamie.
Always & forever
Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be..."

Oct 23.

Hey sweet girls,

This momma is about to pass out. Just had to get on on and write my girls.

Goodnight baby girls, I love you both so very very much.
Always & forever
Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Oct 22

My sweet girls,

I love you, i love you both so very very much. Not much anything new today, you know your momma doesn't really have much, kinda boring.

Good night my beautiful baby girls, I love you both with my entire heart. I truly miss you, so very much.

I love you.
Always & forever
Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Hey baby girls,

We have started Another bible study group again. This one is called Gideon. I think it's going to be a really good one, I am excited to see how we go along In it. I appreciate being in these groups and learning how to be a better Christian, to be a stronger Christian, and to be a better person. I'm doing it with your aunts again, so that will be nice.

Things have been okay around here, as always we have our good days and our bad days. Daddy is always here helping me get through mine. I personally don't feel that I help him, I'd like to think I do because I truly want to.. But idk.

Thank you my sweet angels, thank you much for always watching over us and being ours.

I love you my sweet baby girls, I love you both so very very much.
Always & forever
Xoxo, mommy
Goodnight Alena and Jamie

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be..."

I miss you two so very very much, somedays it is so very hard to breathe..

I love you my sweet baby girls, I love you Alena and Jamie...so very very much..

Thank you for another day, and another day closer to you girls.

Goodnight angels,
I love you truly so much.
Always & forever

Xoxo,mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as Im living
My babies you'll be.."

Hey baby loves,

The weather is definitely cooling down now, I believe we are definitely in fall now... But we never know living in the south, weather changes it up.

Hung out with everyone later today, grandpa cleaned out the fireplace downstairs so it was really wonderful to sit by a fire again inside, I love it. Especially in the basement. You girls would really love it, so much room for your toys and things to get in to... Grandma would have her hands full..

I miss you love bugs, I truly miss you both so much. Another night of reminiscing , another night of thinking of you both.

Goodnight my beautiful girls, I love you and miss you both so truly very very much.
Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

No titles

Hey loves,
I never have many titles to put on your blog posts, well I guess sometimes I do but not always. I guess I don't really have anything to put as a title... Idk.

Today was an interesting day to say the least. Thank you for watching over all of us, and being our guardian angels sweet Baby girls. I love you both so very very much.

Always & forever
Xoxo mommy

" I'll love you forever
Ill like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Hey pumpkins,

Today wads definitely a fall day. The weather was cool and we got some rain, it was on and off and not too hard but it was no took her rainy day. I went over and hung out with Laney and grandpa and grandma today, just had a lazy day I guess.

Daddy and I have just been laying around listening to spa music, lit candles and turned off the lights off. I've been doing that for a while a couple of times a week, it really helps me with my anxiety and just helps me to calm down. When I'm really stressed or having a bad day, I usually do it. Although it is 8:30 and I am now ready for bed, daddy is passed out on the couch... You can see how relaxing it is.

Thank you baby girls, for being such blessings on our lives, our miracles. And bringing so many blessings our way. You girls are so loved, so very very loved, and thought about so very often. How amazing to have changed so many lives in so many ways.. In such a short amount of time. And how lucky I am to be the mom to such beautiful, amazing little girls. I still am a selfish person , and wish you were here every second of every single day.. I know that will never change..

I love you my darlings, I love you so so very very much.
Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Goodnight my sweet beautiful angels, i love you so very very much.

Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

"I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

October 15

Hey baby girls,

Today was infant loss remembrance day. At 7 o'clock all over the world, people were asked to light candles for an hour in memory off their sweet babies. Your daddy and I lit about 4 or 5 of them. I put one in the window too. We just sat in silence for a while, shared what we hurt the most about, cried remembering when you were born, hurt thinking about what all we had lost.. It was emotional. But as you can tell,I've been a mess for a little while.

Goodnight my beautiful baby dolls, I hope you saw all the beautiful candles that were lit all over the world to let everyone know how much love and light you brought into this world,and will continue to..

I love you darlings,I love you both so very very much.
Xoxo,mommy

" I'll love you forever
Ill like you for always
As long as Im living
My babies you'll be.."

My beautiful girls,

Your mommy has been a wreck lately. Your poor daddy prolly wants to run away from here! I just miss you both so much, and get so scared .. So worried for the future. I think about you constantly, and how traumatic losing you two has been on all of us.. Everyday holds the promise of new beginnings,but while it does that, it also adds another day without you girls. But, I have been praying for strength, for faith, and for positivity. I know you're both there, and I know you're watching over all of us.. My beautiful , strong girls. You are more then I could have hoped for.

Goodnight my angels,

I love you both so truly, very much. I miss you terribly. Please keep watch over us,..
I love you.
Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Walk to remember you..

Hey baby girls,

Today your daddy & me and the whole family went and walked at the walk to remember event that the hospital puts on every year in October. We wore our shirts today, and there was also a balloon release. We got to write you notes for heaven, and tied them to the balloons. I was so upset, we had so many letters for you that when we let them go, they got stuck in a tree across the street. Your grandma told me not to worry about it, but I just felt like that happens to us everytime we try to do something for you.. Idk. But, your daddy climbed the tree for me, and some other guy helped along with grandpa and he got the balloons out for me! I was so happy I could have cried. We let them go again and watched them float away. In my heart I want to believe so much that you are actually getting our letters and little memorials we send every once in a while..

It was a sad time, but it was a nice time to see everyone be able to get together out in the open and talk about their babies, talk about their experience, their pain, their grief, and to be understood. To not be judged, or looked at weird, or stupid things to be said. We all know, we all can help, and we all feel the same. It's a weird group to be a part of , an unfortunate one, but we somehow I think can help each other through this.

I love you my sweet baby darlings, I love you both so very very much. I hope you hear me say that enough, and that I tell you enough. You girls have brought so much love into this world, I just hope you get to see..

Goodnight my angels, I love you ,and miss you so much.
Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be..."

9.

Alena and Jamie,

9 months. It's been 9 months since we've said goodbye. There are no words, nothing that works..
I've been thinking about how we are going to celebrate your birthday. " celebrate" is a hard word to use, because how we will be celebrating? Yes, it is your birthday, the day you entered the world, the day you brought us your light.. But it's also the day we said goodbye, that we let go and lost all of our hopes and dreams for the future with you girls. It's a bittersweet day, I guess is the word? Idk, I have quite gotten that far and knowing how I can do this.

But I just wanted to write you to say how much I love you beautiful girls, how much I miss you, how much I think about you. I know we have so much to be thankful for baby girls, but I still can't help but miss you and grieve over you and wish you were here every. Single. Day.

Goodnight my sweet girls, I love you both so much.
Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be..."

1 day..

Hello darlings ,

Tomorrow marks 9 months you've been gone. This Sunday we are doing the walk to remember at the hospital. October 15th is infant loss remembrance day. October is infant loss awareness month.. I think I am so happy that people are acknowledging more and more everyday how you ARE babies, you are people, you matter And mean the absolute world to so many people! Every time some one asks me how many kids I have, ( although as hard as it may be to answer, because it hurts) I always say you girls and how you are in heaven. I will never abandon your names or you, I will never forget you or speak of you.. You girls will forever be in my heart, our hearts, and live on every single day inside of us. But as happy as I am of this month, it hurts me too. That so many know this pain, know this loss, know this heartache. I can't believe so many of us are still here, and somehow making it. But everyone needs to know who you are, and what a brilliant light you've brought with you girls.

I love you my sweet beautiful angels, I love you both so very very much. I never want you to forget that. Thank you everyday for being our miracles, our amazing guardian angels. Thank you for being there.. Thank you for giving me the chance to be a mom.. In many ways.

I love you.
Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

My dear girls,

Goodnight my sweet peas, I love you both so very very much,
Always & forever

Xoxo,mommy

"I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.,"

Alena And Jamie,

I can't believe the time, how long you've been gone.. I can't believe i somehow have made it through..
I now know why, I do... But I still think about how much we were preparing for you,because two of everything is a lot to get. We started so early, to try and save money and prepare.. But nothing could prepare us for losing you. Nothing.

The world feels very empty at times, heck, not just the world.. My heart and my arms are. But in as many ways I am empty, you have made me a better person. I want to be more compassionate in life,more caring and more understanding. To help others, to appreciate EVERYTHING more. Complaining feels like a sin at times almost, about certain things. I want to be the mom you would be proud of, that you would be thankful for.. That you would look up to and want to be like when you grew up...

I hope I live up to being your hero one day girls...

I love you both more then time will ever reveal. Miss you girls.
Always & forever

Xoxo,mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be,.."

Hey pretty girls,

Your momma needs to start writing you earlier, I am so stinking tired. Honestly though, I feel horrible because I never really have much to write you about. Work is the same, home is the same. You girls are such a blessing, in more ways then one. I know you are at watching over us, and taking care of us. I know we are connected and you are here, I just wish you two would come visit me in my dreams.. I miss you both so much, and wish to see you..

I love you my sweet beautiful girls, I love you both so very very much.
Goodnight girls,

Always & forever
Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Hey love bugs,

Goodnight and I love you both so very very much. Sleep well my beautiful angels.

I miss you baby girls, I miss you terribly.

Always & forever
Xoxo, mommy

"I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

My darling girls,

Today was the mud run. Your daddy and aunt and our friends did pretty good. They were really tired and worn out afterwards, but they did good.

Then we just came home and just been laying around , our typical sundae afternoon. Headed back to the work week tomorrow..

Goodnight my sweet baby girls,I love you both so very very much. My sweet Alena and Jamie, I think about you two all the time, and miss you terribly.

I loveyou girls, I love you so much.
Always & forever

Xoxo,mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll likely for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Fixed.

Alena and Jamie,

I think I finally fixed your blog! Idk how, but I think I figured it out. Tried to make it a little prettier for you.

We had a good day. Your daddy's mud run is tomorrow so we went to church tonight and went to dinner with grandma and grandpa. Fr Ed had a nice sermon tonight about faith, and how people can misuse it.

I miss you sweet peas, we went in and lit your candles again tonight. I love you baby girls, I love you both so much.

Always & forever

Goodnight girls, xoxo mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Sweet girls

Hey sweet peas, 

I'm still not sure what's going on with your blog, still trying to figure it out. 

Your daddy is getting ready to do the mud run again this weekend with aunt Emily and our neighbors. I hope the weather is good for them. We might be doing some work around the house this weekend. I think I want to do some sanding, and some painting and .. Who knows , there is always something to do around here. Just trying to stay busy! 

I know i say this a lot baby girls, but thank you. Thank you for being our blessings, our sweet miracles, and the continued blessings i know you have some part in.. Our sweet guardian angels. I miss you both so very much, and wish you were here so very much, more then anything.. But thank you.. 

I love you my sweet girls, I love you both so so so more then you will ever know. I really do. 

Always & forever

xoxo. Mommy 

" I'll love you forever

I'll like you for always 

As long as I'm living 

My babies youll be.." 

Hey my sweet baby girls,
I love you. I love you my sweet Alena and Jamie ..

Sleep well my angels, please come visit me in my dreams. I miss your beautiful faces and wish to see you..

I love you and miss you so so so very much.
Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

October

My dear sweet love bugs,

I apologize my posts have been short and I haven't been sharing as much. I've been so tired and sometimes I honestly don't have much to share, I'm just wanting to write to tell you how much I love you and miss you. I feel like since everything has happened, everything has changed. Well that was a stupid thing, because I know for sure it has. I'm not the same person, life is different, things are I different, and everything has a different meaning or doesn't mean anything at all anymore.

But you girls mean everything, and everything means something because of you. I feel everyday blessed to be your mom, to call you my daughters, and know you are looking over us and blessing us everyday. Thank you baby girls, thank you Alena and Jamie..

Goodnight my baby girls, I love you so so very very much.
Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
Ill like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

I miss you both so much, gosh I miss you girls so much. I wish you were here too....

Goodnight my beautiful angels, I love and miss you both so very terribly..

I love you darlings, I love you my sweet Alena and Jamie

Always & forever
Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."