December 31

Happy New Years sweet girls.

I am completely astounded that this year is wrapping up. 2013 was a wonderful year for us, but also the worst year of my life. It was the year I found out I was pregnant with my sweet baby girls, my first babies, my miracles. It was also the year I had to say goodbye to them, to see them for one last time, to say goodbye to our futures together. I guess I would be lying if I said I wasn't glad to see it go, but I also feel weird and torn about entering another new year. In 11 days, it will be your birthday, your first birthday. Seriously? I just.. Idk. I saw us getting ready for a big princess themed party , and dresses and pink and just, a bunch of girly stuff. But actually I will be figuring out how to celebrate a birthday for my daughters who are in heaven, not here to blow out their candles or smash cake..

I miss you both so much. I wish we were all bringing in the new year together. All of us, together like it's supposed to be.

My love for you is forever girls, forever and always. Never ever forget how much you mean to me Alena and Jamie..

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
A long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

December 30

My baby girls,

I'm missing you a lot today. I've been having a hard time figuring out how to feel, how to balance my feelings, my thoughts. I miss you both so much. I'm so scared more and more time is going to pass, more things are going on and stuff is changing, not for the bad, but I'm scared of what things are to come. I don't want to leave you behind, I don't want to miss out on stuff with you. I guess that's what I need to come to terms with, what I need to accept. But how does one do that? How does a mother accept and move on from losing her children?

I want you to know how much you girls mean to me, how much I adore you, how much I love you and miss you. We are so blessed to have you as our daughters , blessed to have our family, blessed to call you our own. I love you my sweet baby girls, I love you forever & always

Goodnight my sweet angels, thank you for watching over all of us.
Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

December 29th

Hey baby loves,

Not much to write today. I am actually writing to say our nightly good nights and I love yous. I'm not feeling really well and will probably be heading to bed soon.

Goodnight my beautiful baby girls, I love you and miss you both so very very much. Thank you for being our beautiful blessings, our miracles, and watching over all of us every day. I love you both so much.

Always & forever
Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as im living
My babies you'll be.."

December 28th

Hello darlings,

Today was another moving day. We are pretty much all the way in. Just little stuff to do now. Sometimes it seems like it will never be over . I'm very thankful we have so many people that are I willing and able to help us, it means a lot. I Really wish you girls were here to see the house, it would've been perfect for all of us.

My beautiful girls, I wanted to write and say goodnight and I love you both so very very much.
Always & forever

Xoxo. Mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

December 27th

Hey baby girls,

Today has been kind of a hard Day. I was a little busy this morning , cleaning and running around, but  I've had times to think, and they've been hard.. This day last year was the day I went in to the doctor to check something I was worried about and finding out I was going to lose you two... Also the day I found out God had blessed us with two beautiful little girls...

Looking back, it was a day of excitement to find out I was having two little princesses,but also a day of heartache and anxiety being told many times it was very likely it was our last day together. I remember freaking out, and then telling myself to calm down, that I wasn't helping either of you in freaking out. I remember so much , and my heart remembers so much of the pain..

My sweet girls, I cherish our time together. I miss every moment I had with you, not knowing it was going to be so little. I miss you both so much. I want to wake up every morning and reach for you and smother you with kisses and love. I just want you to know how strong my love is for you, how my heart aches and misses you both .

Our guardian angels, thank you for watching over all of us.
I love you, always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

December 26th

Hey pumpkins,

I miss you a lot today. I was talking with grandma about how much I wish you were here, and how I wish I could have saved you, how sorry I am that I couldn't.

I love you both so very very much. I hope you know that, and how I would do anything to have you here. I know you girls are watching over us, and keeping us safe. Thank you everyday, for being here with us.

Goodnight my sweet angels, I love you very much.

Always & forever
Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Christmas

Merry Christmas my sweet girls,

Today didn't go as bad as I thought, or honestly as Angela and I were talking about, we have no idea how the day was really supposed to go. We just got through it.

Daddy and I exchanged our gifts, and then went and spent the day at grandmas. It was nice to be with everyone. We were really missing you girls though, as I suspect we will every year.

Goodnight my beautiful girls, I love you both so very much. Thank you for being the best present I've ever received , along with your little brother. I've never experienced such a joy as finding out I was gonna be a mom.

I love you Alena Marie and Jamie Rae. Merry Christmas my loves. You are with the very reason we are celebrating today.

Always & forever
Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Christmas Eve

Merry Christmas Eve little girls,

We went to mass tonight at 6 and then went to your aunt Ashley's to exchange our "kid" gifts? Idk if that makes any sense. We also gave Delaney her gifts tonight too.

When we were at church, I was thinking about you both.. And how I can remember exactly what I was wearing, how I could feel you two moving in there, how big my belly was getting, and taking the last picture I ever had of being pregnant with you two..

I can't believe it's going to be a year, I just can't. I can't believe Christmas is still coming, even though you aren't... Idk it's all really weird and just, I feel I may be living in a fog some days, or watching some one else's life through their eyes?

But I miss you both so very very much, and wish we were spending Christmas together tomorrow. But you are here in my hearts, so very deeply I love you, and you're all here with me.. No matter what.

Goodnight my beautiful angels, thank you for being our guardian angels. Thank you for watching over all of us girls..

I love you, I love you always& forever
Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

December 23

Hey sweet peas,

Daddy and I brought the animals over tonight , getting them used to the new house. We are pretty much moved in. We still need to move some stuff, but overall we are doing pretty good.

I brought all your memorial stuff from the house and put it on the mantle in the living room here, but when we bring the mantle from the other house we will be putting all of it in our room. I think that will make me most happy, have all your stuff super close to me..

Goodnight my beautiful angels, I love and miss you both so very much.
Please never forget how much I love you baby girls, never forget that..

Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

December 22

Hey baby girls,

I'm so sorry I did not get to write you last night, we did not have internet at the house last night..

We have been very very busy, moving, packing, unpacking, cleaning.. Just a lot going on. Daddy made me decorate the little tree tonight. I put your ornaments we made you and the butterflies grandma and grandpa got you at the top, because you are our angels.

Goodnight my sweet beautiful girls, I love you tremendously. Thank you for being our guardian angels, and watching over all of us,..

I miss you..

Always & forever
Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

December 20th

Hey girlies,

I'm writing to say goodnight. It's been a long day, I'm very tired. I always feel bad when I don't have a lot to say, or when I just say goodnight.. So im sorry girls...

Goodnight my sweet peas, I love you both so very terribly much. I miss you so much.
Thank you for watching over us, all of us, for being our angels.

Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
 As long as im living
My babies you'll be.."

December 19th

Hey sweet peas,

We went to group tonight and made ornaments for you girls. We don't even have a tree up , but I'm going to have your ornaments out.

We are going to try and move in some more this weekend, well the big stuff anyways. I realize I keep writing about moving, but it's all we've really been up to lately.

I can't believe Christmas is in 6 days, I can't believe almost a whole year is gone... I just can't.

Goodnight my sweet girls, I love and miss you both so very very much.
Always & forever

Xoxox mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

December 18th

My sweet loves,

I got some more packing done today. Daddy went over and did some more painting. Grandpa is supposed to be moving the rest of his and grandmas stuff out of the house, and then hopefully we will be moving some big stuff over to the house. As exciting as this , it's also exhausting. I feel like I never want to move again, already.

I can't believe we are getting so close to your birthday, missing you both for so long. Some days this still feels like something I'm going to wake up from, that this didn't really happen, that it's not real life.. And then I do realize I AM awake, and it's all real.

I miss you two girls so so much, I feel so broken at times. I just want to be able to scoop you up in the mornings and smother you with kisses, and love you so much and so hard you think I'm a crazy mom.  I miss your beautiful faces, and love you both so very much. Thank you for being our guardian angels girls, for our blessings , and for watching over us.. All of us.

I love you baby girls, always & forever
Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

December 17th

Goodnight my beautiful angels. I love you girls both so very much .
I miss you and wish so much you were here every single day.

Love you babies..
Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

December 16

Hey sweet peas,

We got the carpeting one in the house today. Daddy has some painting he wants to do still but we are going to be able to move in pretty soon. I've already been packing up a bunch of stuff.

Tonight daddy came home early and surprised me with peppermint milkshakes and made me dinner. It was so sweet and nice because I've been so tired because of work and us going to bed so late and working all day, but I know we are very lucky.

I miss you baby girls, I miss you both so very very much.
I love you with my whole heart, my whole being.

Goodnight beautiful girls.
Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

December 15

Hey love bugs,

Today has just been a very frazzling day for your mom. We are moving and painting and just a whole bunch of stuff, and I feel like nothing is getting done. This house is just full of boxes, we get home so late we are eating dinner late and are starving and I feel I am slacking with that. The other house is just chaos because we are getting it ready. And you know your momma, I can't handle this stuff being this out of control, or feeling like it is super out of control. This whole week We have been going to bed late and waking up early and just.. Idk. But enough about this stuff.

Daddy took down the small tree for us to set up, but I'm still just not feeling it.. If we put it up, okay, if we don't, okay. It's just kinda weird, I don't really know girls. I really wanted to do just a pink and yellow tree for you girls this year, but idk if I'm ready for it? I just was ready to celebrate this christmas all together, and with it being your first.  But you'll be spending it on the most beautiful place you ever could..

I love you my sweet beautiful girls. I love you both so very very much.

Goodnight my angels, know I miss you tremendously.

Always & forever
Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
 My babies you'll be.."

December 14th

Hey my sweet angels,

It's been a busy day over at the new house. I cleaned the kitchen today and painted some more trim. Daddy has been painting something furious. We are trying to get done as soon as we can. Daddy is definitely moving a lot faster then me.

I miss you girls very very much. I love you Alena and Jamie. I think about you two all the time, wish you were here with all of us. I just always want you girls to know that, and to know that I am sorry , I am truly sorry every day.

Thank you for being our guardian angels , for watching over all of of us . You girls mean so much to all of us, and we miss you so much. Thank you.

I love you both so much .
Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be..."

December 13th

Hey baby girls,

Sorry I'm writing you so late tonight. Daddy has Been working late at the new house, and I've just been coming home and getting ready for bed, doing a little reading on stuff. We both have the weekend off, so we will be over there once again this weekend. Daddy obviously is doing a lot more of the painting then me, granted he won't let me do much of it anyway.

Thank you my baby girls, for being our guardian angels and watching over all of us.. I love you both so tremendously much.. Much more then you could ever know. I miss you sweet girls.

Always & forever
Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

December 12

Hey sweet girls,

11 months. Sometimes on these days I have no idea what to say.. Just at a lose at how time flies by, but goes so slow.. How I feel so lost at times. how i feel I've aged a thousand years, but am stuck in the same place.. I just don't know.

Not a day goes by that I don't bring you up in conversation, or think about you, or talk to you girls... I miss you both so terribly much and wish we were all together.

I love you Alena and Jamie, I love you very much.
Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" ill love you foreverv
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

December 11

Hey baby loves,

Mommy is so tired tonight. Although your daddy would say that I always am.

Tomorrow is going to be 11 months. I really can't believe that. I can't believe how long it's been, but also I can't believe how fast time has gone by. I'm not really sure where we go from here. I guess we just keep going day by day , just like we've had too. I don't really have much of a option to do anything else, huh?

Goodnight my beautiful baby girls, I love you both so very very much.
Thank you for looking out for all of us, and being our sweet guardian angels.
I miss and love you girls.
Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
Ill like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be..."

December 10th

Alena and Jamie,

Daddy and I have been working at the house tonight, just got back a little bit ago. I don't have much to write tonight, I'm so tired from working and then coming home and working on the house, so I will just say goodnight my pretty baby girls. I love you both so very very much.

Always & forever
Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

December 9th

Hey pretty girls,

Rain rain go away. It's been raining and cold here all day today. Hopefully for not many more days. I'm okay with it being cold, but like one of my clients said today, with the Rain it just chills you to the bone.

I hope you two know how much I miss you and love you. I wish so much we were all together, getting you ready for your first Christmas, our first Christmas pictures as a family.. Just a lot of firsts I wish we had to have together..

Goodnight my beautiful angels, I love you and miss you both so very very much.
Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

December 8

My baby girls,

Not much to write today. Daddy is home, we are gonna try and really get into the house this week. Finishing up painting and carpeting and stuff. Hope all goes good with that...

I'm so tired today. The weather went from really warm the other day, to really cold and rainy today, it's crazy. I like the cold, just not the rain or nastiness.

We are just trying to stay busy, things are just hard right now.
I miss you my sweet girls, I love you both so very very much.

Always & forever
Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Goodnight girls

December 7th

My dear girls,

Tonight Carly and I are over at grandma and grandpas . Your daddy and aunt niki went to visit his parents. We are also watching the big ohio state & Michigan state game. Your uncle and daddy I'm sure are going back and forth picking at each other. I haven't been watching too much, I've had a horrible headache all night.

I miss you both so very much. I'm having a harder time now that Christmas is getting so close, I feel every day I am breaking down in some way. It's just gonna be an easy time. I'm not even sure I want to put up decorations, or a tree. Daddy wants to, but idk. I just am gonna try and stay busy and think of all our wonderful , special time together girls. I'm gonna try..

Goodnight my sweet angels, I love you both so very very much. I miss you terribly and wish I was holding you now, kissing you and snuggling you up real tight to me. I'm sorry I'm not home to say goodnight, but know that I love you Alena and Jamie Roush.

Always & forever
Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

December 6th

Hey my baby girls,

Your aunt niki is visiting today. We've had a nice day visiting with her. We got to show her the new house a little bit. This weekend we might try doing a little bit more.

The weather was really different today. It was really warm, 76 degrees! It was really pretty, especially at night time, I love the weather like that at night.

I miss you sweet girls. Niki and I talked about you a lot today, about how much we miss you and love you both. Which is so very much my beautiful girls, much more then I'm sure I could ever say, write, or tell..

I love you Alena Marie and Jamie Rae, I love you both tremendously.
Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

December 5

Hey sweet peas,

Tonight was grandmas birthday. We went over after dinner to do presents and cake. Your aunt Emily's cake turned out really yummy, everyone loved it.

Tomorrow I am going to pick up your aunt niki from the airport. She is coming to hang out with us for the day and then your daddy and her are going to see their parents. We are going to try and really get into the house working this weekend, but we shall see how that goes.

We haven't put up Christmas decorations yet, I'm not sure when or if we are going to. I want to get the tree up at least, I have decorations to put up for you girls.

My heart aches for you both so much, how I truly do miss you and wish you were her, every single day. I love you my baby girls, I love you truly both so very very much. Thank you for being our guardian angels..

Goodnight my darlings, may you never forget how much we all love you..
Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as im living
My babies you'll be.."

December 4

My sweet girls,

Momma is prolly gonna head to bed pretty darn soon . I'm starting early tomorrow and gonna be busy. Plus, the weather has been really crappy lately, real overcast and dreary, just kinda puts you in a weird mood.

Tomorrow is also grandmas birthday, so we will be going over there later to do cake and presents. Your aunt Emily is supposed to be making grandma some sort of pumpkin cake she wanted, so I hope that turns out really good for grandma.

We are just working on getting through the holidays, getting everything wrapped up for those, and trying to get things ready in the other house.. Staying kinda busy , trying to.

I miss you both so much. I wish more then anything you were here. Thank you so much for looking out for all of us, for being our guardian angels. You two girls are everything to me, and I love you both so very much..
Always & forever
Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

December 3

Hey love bugs,

I think your momma is coming down with a cold or something. I'm hoping it is allergies, but I am thinking its a cold :(

Today was an okay day. I wasn't that busy , just had a few clients. Next week is gonna be a busy week though. Your aunt niki is also coming in to see us on Friday so I will be going to pick her up.

I miss you two so very much. I hope you know how much I truly love you both.

Goodnight my sweet girls, I love you .

Always & forever
Xoxox mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

December 2

Goodnight my sweet baby girls,

I love you and miss you so very very much.
Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as im living
My babies you'll be.."

December 1st.

Hey my baby girls,

Today is the first day in December. Daddy is getting ready to finish up his exams for school, and we are working on over at the house. I feel we will definitely be working a lot more once school is over.

I love you both so much, and miss you terribly. I am finding myself having some hard nights lately. I am trying to stay strong, but sometimes it just doesn't work. Poor daddy is having to help me a lot. It's just hard to imagine our first Christmas not together.

I miss you my beautiful girls, I love you both so very very much. I hope that you know that, that you always will know that. Never forget it, because I'll never stop loving you.

Goodnight my beautiful sweet girls, I love you and miss you.
Always & forever
Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."