November 30.

Hey baby girls,

I've kinda had a hard day today missing you both. Been thinking about you both here lately so much, although I do all the time anyways.. We are just coming up on a lot. Christmas, your 1st birthday.. Just a lot. As much wonderful things The Lord has given us, life has also dealt us some crappy hands. Losing you two is by far the most hardest, worst pain and heartbreak I have ever felt in my life, and I know I'll never recover. I believe I will make it through this, but I will always know this.

I know you sweet little girls are watching over us, and have blessed us in so many wonderful ways. I know you are here, and continue to be here. I'm so proud and lucky to be your mom, to have such pure hearted beautiful children. As much as my heart aches for you and how I miss you so much, The Lord is taking care of you, and you know only good.. And I couldn't ask for more, because you deserve the world.

I love you Alena Marie and Jamie Rae. Thank you for hearing my prayers, and watching over all of us. I love you two so terribly much.
always & forever
Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as Im living
My babies you'll be..."

November 29

Hey sweet peas,

Just a chill night over here. Daddy is doing hw and I'm about to pass out, I'm so tired.

We are probably going to go over to the other house and make a painting day tomorrow. Your daddy wants to try and get in before Christmas... We shall see.

So I will say goodnight girls, and that I love you both so very very much.
Always & forever
Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

November 28

Happy thanksgiving my sweet girls,

I am thankful for you two, for all the wonderful feelings you brought into our lives, and continue too. Thank you for being our sweet miracles, and for the time we spent together, which I shall cherish forever. I love you both , with my whole heart, my whole being. Thank you for being our guardian angels, And watching over us.

Goodnight my sweeties, I love you.
Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

November 27

Hey sweetpeas,

We are just getting ready for thanksgiving  tomorrow,  I thought maybe we would have it at our house this time, since we do everything always at grandmas. I hope it goes over good.

It will be hard not having you here, especially for Christmas. I'm very anxious about it.. I'll be thinking about you all day tomorrow, and wishing so much that you were here.. Like every single day.

We had to say goodbye to brigette today... We have had her for over 13 years. I remember when we got her. She helped us through a lot a really hard time. She truly was a wonderful, wonderful animal. I remember watching her in the snow up north , bury herself and then jump out of it like a deer! She truly loved being outside. We will miss her a lot .

Just a sad day. Like grandma said, it made me start thinking about you girls, and how short life is, and how little it can be. Yours was so short,, too short. You are forever missed Alena and Jamie.
I miss you my beautiful girls,I miss you both so very very much.
I love you , I love you. Always & forever..
Xoxox, mommy

Goodnight Alena & Jamie

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

November 26

Hey sweet peas,

I'm writing again just to say goodnight.. I don't have much to say, and sometimes I feel I'm just saying sad stuff, and I hate just writing that to you girls.

Goodnight my sweet angels, thank you for looking out for all of us, for being our beautiful baby girls.
I love you both so very very much,
always & forever
Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as Im living
My babies you'll be..."

November 25

Hey sweet peas,

Just checking in to say goodnight. I'm very tired so i think I'll be turning in pretty soon. 

Goodnight my beautiful baby girls, I love and miss you both, so very terribly much.. 

All my love, 

Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy 

" I'll love you forever

I'll like you for always 

As long as I'm living 

My babies you'll be.."

November 24

Hey sweet peas,

Today we woke up and went to church. Afterwards, daddy went to the house to paint, and grandma aunt Emily and I hit a couple of stores to shop, but didn't find much at all. We've been home after that, just working on homework and bible study too.

Just a couple more days until thanksgiving. I have been trying to finish up all the Christmas shopping,I think we are almost done. The weather has gotten extremely cold, I know I've been telling you that a lot, but we are down in the 40s now, and getting cold at night.. Below freezing! Definitely almost Christmas time weather.

Goodnight my sweet baby girls, I love and miss you both , bunches..
always & forever
Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

November 23

My sweet girls,

Tonight we went over to Kari's house and had our salon party. It was a really nice time. We ate dinner and then went outside to sit by the fire. That fire didn't have anything on the weather though, it is so cold tonight. It's going to be cold the rest of the week too, we are down into the 40s brr...

I wish you were here. I wish we would have gotten to take you to grandma and grandpas tonight, and picked you up for church in the morning.. I wish we were doing everything we are supposed to be doing if you were here. I truly miss you two so so much, my sweet girls. Thank you for watching over all of us, thank you so much for being our guardian angels.. We are truly blessed to have you two.

Goodnight my beautiful baby girls, I love you so very much.
Always & forever
Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as im living
My babies you'll be.."

November 22

Hey love bugs,

Hitting another weekend. We have some plans this weekend, but for the most part just gonna be listening to daddy type away on the computer doing homework, and me finding something too do. He has a lot right now, but the semester is over december 4th, so I know he is very much looking forward to that.

I miss you two, I miss you both so very very much. I hope you will always know that, because I will never stop loving or missing you girls with all of my heart....

I love you Alena Marie and Jamie Rae.
Always & forever
Xoxo,mommy

" ill love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

November 21

My beautiful girls,

Tonight we went to group. It was about surviving the holidays. Sometimes I don't realize how sad I am or was , until we get together and talk. Just guilt , I honestly can feel so guilty at times girls. I just think I will always feel guilty , because I'm your mom and couldn't take care of you like I should have. But gees, enough about that..

Our next meeting we are going to be making ornaments for the tree for all the babies. I am looking forward to that, because if we weren't doing that I was going to buy you both one for the tree. I think I'd like to buy grandpa and grandma one for theirs one year too, I'm sure they would really like to see something of yours on their tree.

Goodnight my beautiful baby girls, I love you and miss you so much more then you could ever possibly know. Thank you for watching over all of us, for being our guardian angels. You two are so amazing, so so so amazing.

Always & forever
Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

November 20

Hey baby girls,

Waiting you late tonight. I got asked to come in and sub at the school tonight, so I went and did that for a few hours. It wasn't too bad.

I miss you too, so very much. We have another group meeting tomorrow night, this one is about surviving the holidays... Hopefully it really will help us and give us some ideas on how to get through them , somehow.

Goodnight pretty girls, I love you both very much.
Always & forever
Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

November 19th.

Hey sweet peas,

It is starting to get really cold at night. I'm going to bed and waking up everyday with a sweatshirt!!Getting close to winter.. Your daddy still tries to turn the air on at night, tries being the key word, that's not happening.


I think so far we are making it, some days Im not. Just a lot sometimes ..heavy on the heart, as always. But I'm always thinking of you girls, and loving you everyday as much as I can.

Goodnight my angels, thank you, and thank you for being the beautiful blessings you are.
Love you SOMUCH
Always & forever

Xoxo,mommy

"I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as Im living
My babies you'll be.."

November 18th.

Hey there beautiful girls,

Tonight we had another bible study, it went really well. Everybody was really tired though, your aunt emily has to be at work at 4 in the morning tomorrow, eww.

I don't have much going on today, we are pretty boring people. I can only imagine how exciting and crazy our lives would've been with you two here. It would've been so amazing. But I guess I just hold on to the memories I have, of what we shared together.

Goodnight my beautiful baby girls, I love you both entirely with my whole heart.
Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

November 17

Hey baby girls,

I'm feeling kinda poopy tonight. It's probably partly the weather, it's been rainy and kinda chilly today. I lit a bunch of candles this morning and turned on the Christmas music , I know it's early and We are silly but it just seemed like a nice day for it! It's crazy how November becomes Christmas season. It's like everyone flips a switch after october 31.

I'm not sure how I'm going to be , the closer we get to Christmas...I'm actually kinda nervous about it. But I am going to try and not dwell on really sad things to much, although it can be very hard...

Goodnight my sweet beautiful baby girls, I love you both so very very much.
Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as im living
My babies you'll be.."

November 16

Hey my sweet girls,

Today's been a typical Saturday when daddy and I have the day off together. Just running around doing whatever, or staying home being around the house all day.. Not a bad day at all.

Your grandpa is really getting into Christmas right now, already listening to the music. That's not surprising though girls, he loves Christmas and could listen to that music year round. I know you would love to see how he decorates the house, it always looks great.

Well, I miss you two so so much. I think about you all the time, and miss you all the time.
I love you my beautiful girls, very much
Always & forever

Goodnight Alena and Jamie..

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

November 15

Hey baby loves,

I found out something a little mind boggling, I guess you could say..
Do you remember in the hospital when I sang you " I'll love you forever..?" Well I write it every night on this blog to you, and i sang it. Your aunt Ashley sent me a link about why the book was written , and where the inspiration came from..

The man that wrote it lost two babies with his wife, and he said when he lost them , those were the words that came to him, and they were originally a song, but years later he wrote a book for them. I cried girls when I read that, honestly. I just.. I have no words. It felt so close to my heart, so crazy.. Even if you were here I know I'd be reading that book to you, or saying the song to you every day. I loved that book when we were little, your grandma would read it to us all the Time. She loved it too.

I just miss you both so much, and I feel so torn at times, I truly do. I'm fighting so much, trying not to lose all hope all the time. People are probably tired of talking, of listening, of going over things over and over.. But if they don't know, they don't know..

Anyways loves, I'm writing to say thank you. Thank you for being MY inspiration, in more ways then one. Thank you for watching over us, all of us. I love you Alena Marie and Jamie Rae, I love you both so very very much.

Always & forever
Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

November 14th

Hey sweet peas,

The nights are getting colder and colder. Pretty soon it will be winter, even though the days are seemingly getting warmer. We are supposed to be getting back into the 70s next week, so I'm not sure what is going on with the weather right now.

Your grandma got Carly this really cute bright pink diamond studded collar, it's so cute. I always wanted one of those for Kira, or a studded one. I thought that would look so cool on her. I wonder sometimes if Kira is in heaven with you guys or how that works for animals and humans,, I feel I should know that, but I don't. I hope you are all together... She would've loved you two, and I know you would've loved her.

I miss you too so much. Things get awfully lonely and quiet around here when I am by myself., and I find myself wishing you here so so very much.

I love you so very much my beautiful baby girls, I love you a lot.
Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Goodnight Alena Marie and Jamie Rae, I love you both so terribly much.

November 13

Hey sweet girls,

Today i took your cousin Laney out to lunch. We had a really good time. I know you two aren't even close to being old enough to play like that, but I wish so much you were here to play all together. I know she would just love you both to pieces, and you two would love her so much back. She would be like a little mommy to you.. I'm sad she won't know you for so very long..

Goodnight my beautiful angels, I love you both so very very much. I miss you.
Thank you for watching over us, for being our guardian angels, our blessings.

Always & forever
Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Goodnight baby girls.

November 12. 10 months.

Well,

Sometimes I wonder..

Another month girls, it's been 10 months since we saw you face to face, and had to let you go. I struggle some days to remember ,but then there are other days I can remember so vividly it feels like my heart is breaking all over again. It's just a mindless never ending cycle I suppose.

I hope you beautiful girls are happy, I so wish with my whole heart and soul.
I love you beautiful angels, I love you Alena and Jamie... I miss you so much.
Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be..."

Goodnight my beautiful butterflies, I love you terribly .

November 11th.

Hey my darlings,

I believe tomorrow i am going to order the paper lanterns I want to send off for your birthday this year. I feel we need to keep doing something, and especially on your birthday,, It needs to be really special. We may make a cake or something of that sort, I just don't know how I'm going to get through singing happy birthday...

Goodnight angels, I love you both tremendously and miss you terribly. My sweet sweet girls, I love you so much.
Always & forever
Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

November 10

Hey my love bugs,

2 more days, 10 months. We are so very fast approaching a year, and i don't know how I'm gonna feel about all that..

Goodnight my beautiful angels. Thank you for another day, and for watching over us and being our sweet angels. I love you girls,I love you both so very very much .

Always & forever
Xoxo, mommy

"I'll love you forever
Ill like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

November 9.

Hey girls,

Daddy and I had a little date night tonight. We haven't dressed up and gone out in a while, and your dad decided to take me out. It's really funny how fast I get tired , and just wanna get back home to pjs and blankets. I feel I've really gotten old lately... Although I also feel some days I have aged a thousand lives, thinking about losing you, and what that's done to me.

I feel so different at times, that I'm struggling but getting by. Sad , but okay. Life is so different now, I never saw or felt myself ever being like this. I feel so desperate at times, that I am grasping at straws. I know I was anxious before, but my anxiety can be so crazy at times.. I don't know if I'm really happy, i dont know what I am girls. I feel stressed and tired and just crazy, honestly crazy. I'm so boring, and just.. I feel like nothing a lot. I wish I didn't feel like this, I wish I was okay. I wish you were here, and I wish I felt like something. Idk ... I'm just lost. I know you will help me find my way, I know you girls are here for me & I love you both so very very much for it.

Thank you for being there, for watching out for us.. I love you my sweet girls, I love you both so very very much.
Always & forever
Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Goodnight girls

November 8.

My darlings,

Daddy wanted to have a fire tonight, so we hung out outside for a while. It was really cold, but it was super nice to be out there. We are looking at getting snow next week, that is absolutely crazy. Right now the weather has been staying around 50-60s , but it's definitely gonna be getting colder soon.


I was staring at the stars, thinking about you girls, wondering if you were looking down thinking the same things I was..

I love you my beautiful girls, I love you so very very much. I miss you Alena and Jamie..
Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be..."

Goodnight baby girls.

November 7.

Hey sweet peas,

Another post to say goodnight. On these days i hate that I don't have much to write, but I feel bad just writing a bunch of silly stuff or non interesting things , when I want these posts to mean something. I know , like I just said I don't have a lot to say at times, but this is something I can do for you.

Goodnight my beautiful Angels, mommy loves you so very dearly. I miss you so so much.
Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll loveyou forever
Ill like you for always
As long as Im living
My babies you'll be.."

November 6th

Hey pretty girls,

Accepting you being gone can be done some days, some days are harder then others. I wish I could check in somehow , but honestly it would be silly because I know you are in a much better place then we are in. That's where I guess faith comes in, to believe you are safe and happy and taken care of. I don't doubt that at all, it's just hard because I'm your mom, I'm supposed to be doing that.. It's my job.
But you girls deserve the best of everything , absolutely everything, and that's what heaven is. As hard as it is for me to accept you being there..

I love you Alena and Jamie, my sweet little girls. Thank you for the wonderful things you've brought into my life, for watching over us. For guarding us.. My angels. Love you so so much.

Always & forever
Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Goodnight girls.

November 5th

Alena and Jamie,

Tonight we had another bible study. I felt this one really spoke to me about you, about us, about how we are supposed to work through this.. To get through this together. To stay strong in our faith and realize that God is here, through all of this, and that we will be reunited again. I say this with some conviction because it hurts to be saying this to you, to continuously remember how you aren't here, and just.. Idk. But I want to be strong, and be the mother you girls deserve.

I love you my sweet angels, I love you both so so very very much.
Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Goodnight girls.

November 4th.

My sweet girls,

This time change is really messing with me, I'm so stinkin I tired I can barely keep my eyes open. It gets so dark so early now, you feel like its time for bed when it's just dinner time,, it's very weird.

I miss you sweet girls, I love you both so very very much.
Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Goodnight my beautiful angels.

November 3

My love bugs,

Today has been a weird day of sorts you could say. We woke up early and went to church, daddy worked on his homework all day again , and I did some things around the house . I haven't been feeling well today so I guess we are all ready for bed.

Goodnight my beautiful baby girls, I love you both so very very much. I miss you terribly, every moment of every day.. I miss you.

I love you Alena and Jamie, goodnight.
Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

November 2.

Hey sweet girls,

Today was a hang out day. I got up early and did some shopping with grandma, and daddy did some work on the house with grandpa. Then we came home and he finished up schoolwork . I went over to pat and Ashley's for a tailgate party they were having. We also went to a bonfire our friend was having, so that was pretty nice to get out and see some different people. It's gotten pretty cold lately,we had to sit/stand so close to the fire so now I stink like it.

I think we are doing okay. I am honestly just taking it day by day still. Obviously some are still harder then others. But I know you girls are trying to help me, I just know you are.
Thank you darlings, for watching over us, for helping me, and being our girls.

I love you both tremendously, so so so very much.
Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be..

Goodnight Alena Marie and Jamie Rae.

On to November..

Hey sweet girls,

I'm writing to say goodnight. I went and talked today,I think it did me some good. I hope so at least.

My dear girls ,i love you tremendously and miss you both so very very much. Thank you for being our baby girls, our miracles... And for looking out for us and for being there. Thank you my darlings.

I love you very very much.
Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy
"I'll love you forever
Ill like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Goodnight sweet girls.