Christmas 2014

My dearest Alena and Jamie,

Merry Christmas my darlings. Oh how I miss you. I know you've noticed I haven't written in a while. I felt I was getting to repetitive, too non sentimental?? Idk.. I just wanted to write you when I felt I had more to write, or more meaningful things to say.. Even though I love you is the strongest term of endearment I feel for you, I just felt there needed to be more when I write in here to you.

Today was our first Christmas with your little brother, our 2nd without you. I told your daddy this is the first Christmas in 2 years that mommy hasn't been pregnant.

I think I'm doing okay. Yesterday at church I went up and lit the candles for you, and I got teary eyed for that, and then when church was almost over I started thinking about you again and got upset. I think your cousin Delaney knew my heart was hurting.. She kept loving on me and wanting me to told her. Your little brother is just a crazy little man, so hyper and sweet, and just precious. I know you girls are probably looking down all the time laughing at how funny he is, he sure does make me laugh.

I'm not quite sure what's going on with me, and the way I feel. Some days I feel like this is all a dream, that everyday I wake up and I didn't lose two children.. how could I lose two when one is here with me?? I don't know if I'm in denial again, I don't know what's going on truly. It hurts my heart to think like that, to think that I didn't lose you, because I DID lose you. I lost pieces of my heart, my hopes & dreams for you girls, my visions of dresses , pink and braids and tea parties.. I'm at a lose of how to feel or when I can feel it Alena and Jamie.. I have to be strong for your brother, I can't walk around in A state of despair , depressed or lost... Even on the days I feel I am. When I'm crying and I miss you and wish you were here, I can't just do that because your brother needs me, I have to pick myself back up. I'm lost when I try to feel sad or remember losing you, I feel like I'm not allowed to have that grieving time anymore, I guess.. Like I said I don't know..

I feel so ungrateful some days, so horribly ungrateful. With everything we've gone through to get your brother here.. Well, everything we did just to try to give you a few more weeks. I just feel like a bad mom. I can get so angry so quick, and lose my patience so fast.. And I pray girls, I pray so hard that God helps me , I pray for my patience to get better everyday because it's not right, it's not fair to JJ. I should be twice as patient, twice as understanding, twice as strong . I've lost two beautiful baby girls for crying out loud, I should be the most grateful woman in the entire world. Yet, I find myself feeling like a failure as a mom most days, I fear I am letting your brother down, that I'm not good enough to be his mom, to be your mom..

Some days I've thought and been afraid that God knew I couldn't take care of you, that I wouldn't have been a good mom , and knew you would be better off with him. I should say most days I've thought that , and felt it.

I feel girls that I owe your brother so much, that i owe it to him to be everything I would've been to you and for you, plus more. Maybe it's too much, but I feel I've been given another shot, or a test.. To see if I can really do this... And I hope and pray with my whole heart that God believes that I can, and that I will be the mother you three truly deserve and need.

To be a mother has changed me. Changed me for the worst because when I became a mother it also became the day I said goodbye to being a mother to my sweet girls, my first born.. But it's changed me for the better because when I became a mother, I never have felt  a love so deep, a love so raw, a love so powerful.

Alena & Jamie, you girls and your little brother are my life's worth, my reason for anything worthwhile. For you are all my blessings, my best work, my true miracles. For life is nothing without you , my life is nothing without you three.

Merry Christmas my beautiful angels,

I truly miss you, and I truly madly deeply love you ..

Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
 As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."