3.

Today would've been yours 3rd birthday.

I find myself being able to keep it together for the most part, but then having random breakdowns or bad times throughout the day. And then emotionally I'm just off.. Your daddy says the same thing.

I'm sorry girls we didn't get to send off your lanterns tonight. Grandpa said the winds were too strong, and I was worried the lanterns wouldn't take off right and that would upset me so much. So we will try later this week.

I know you're here, and watching over us. Especially your little brothers. I'm sorry I haven't written in so long my loves, I promise to do better.

I love you both so terribly much, and miss your beautiful faces every second of every day .

Always & forever my loves..

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Goodnight angels

February 19.2014

Hey my girls,

I miss you so much. I think about you all the time.
I'm really afraid I'm losing it some days, or that I've already lost it.

For your brothers asks I have to / will keep it together, but he's about the only thing getting me through some days, or making me feel like I am losing it. I just want to be the best mom I can be for my kids, to give them all what they deserve & what they need. I pray everyday that I can be that ..

I love you baby girls. For ever & Always

Xoxo, mommy

January 12.2015.. 2 Years.

Another year has passed, another year without you here.

Today was different. I'm not quite sure what i expected today to feel like.. I feel like ive been anticipating a break down, but i don't think that really happened until we went to send off your lanterns.

Its been a rainy, foggy, cold day today. I was worried the lanterns wouldn't take off, but they did girls. We watched them until they disappeared again, like last year. Your cousin Delaney was a little confused about why we were doing them, and why i was crying.. I know its too hard for her to understand.. I mean most days i dont even understand.

Im just so grateful for this family i have, we have girls. How everyone cares & loves you both so much. That they acknowledge you, and say your names, and talk about you both with me.. it means so much more then any one of them will ever know. Because although you may not be here in person Alena and Jamie, you are always here in spirit, and alive in my heart.

I love you my beautiful baby girls, and not a day goes by that my heart doesnt ache for you, that my hands want to reach for you, that my lips want to kiss you..

I love you, i love you, i love you.. Always & forever

xoxo, my baby girls.. 

Momma loves and misses you sweet babies.

Happy Birthday my Loves..

" I ll love you forever

I ll like you for always

As long as im living 

My babies youll be.."

January 3.2014

Hey my pretty girls,

Tonight has been a night filled of thinking about you both.

These triggers come out of nowhere, and just hit you so hard and take you down so fast.. You don't expect them so you can't be prepared, you just get plowed down. Sometimes I'm sure I set myself up for some, or make myself think about some.. Idk if that sounds masachistic or what, but I just need the pain, need the hurt at times.. Need to remember all those feelings.. Need to make myself feel it girls..

I miss you both so much, I really truly just miss you more then I can say. I miss you, I miss you ., I miss you.

I love you Alena Marie and Jamie Rae,
My girls.. My beautiful baby girls.. My little butterflies

May my love for you be so strong that you feel it in your hearts always, and know momma is always with you baby girls.

I love you
Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

Christmas 2014

My dearest Alena and Jamie,

Merry Christmas my darlings. Oh how I miss you. I know you've noticed I haven't written in a while. I felt I was getting to repetitive, too non sentimental?? Idk.. I just wanted to write you when I felt I had more to write, or more meaningful things to say.. Even though I love you is the strongest term of endearment I feel for you, I just felt there needed to be more when I write in here to you.

Today was our first Christmas with your little brother, our 2nd without you. I told your daddy this is the first Christmas in 2 years that mommy hasn't been pregnant.

I think I'm doing okay. Yesterday at church I went up and lit the candles for you, and I got teary eyed for that, and then when church was almost over I started thinking about you again and got upset. I think your cousin Delaney knew my heart was hurting.. She kept loving on me and wanting me to told her. Your little brother is just a crazy little man, so hyper and sweet, and just precious. I know you girls are probably looking down all the time laughing at how funny he is, he sure does make me laugh.

I'm not quite sure what's going on with me, and the way I feel. Some days I feel like this is all a dream, that everyday I wake up and I didn't lose two children.. how could I lose two when one is here with me?? I don't know if I'm in denial again, I don't know what's going on truly. It hurts my heart to think like that, to think that I didn't lose you, because I DID lose you. I lost pieces of my heart, my hopes & dreams for you girls, my visions of dresses , pink and braids and tea parties.. I'm at a lose of how to feel or when I can feel it Alena and Jamie.. I have to be strong for your brother, I can't walk around in A state of despair , depressed or lost... Even on the days I feel I am. When I'm crying and I miss you and wish you were here, I can't just do that because your brother needs me, I have to pick myself back up. I'm lost when I try to feel sad or remember losing you, I feel like I'm not allowed to have that grieving time anymore, I guess.. Like I said I don't know..

I feel so ungrateful some days, so horribly ungrateful. With everything we've gone through to get your brother here.. Well, everything we did just to try to give you a few more weeks. I just feel like a bad mom. I can get so angry so quick, and lose my patience so fast.. And I pray girls, I pray so hard that God helps me , I pray for my patience to get better everyday because it's not right, it's not fair to JJ. I should be twice as patient, twice as understanding, twice as strong . I've lost two beautiful baby girls for crying out loud, I should be the most grateful woman in the entire world. Yet, I find myself feeling like a failure as a mom most days, I fear I am letting your brother down, that I'm not good enough to be his mom, to be your mom..

Some days I've thought and been afraid that God knew I couldn't take care of you, that I wouldn't have been a good mom , and knew you would be better off with him. I should say most days I've thought that , and felt it.

I feel girls that I owe your brother so much, that i owe it to him to be everything I would've been to you and for you, plus more. Maybe it's too much, but I feel I've been given another shot, or a test.. To see if I can really do this... And I hope and pray with my whole heart that God believes that I can, and that I will be the mother you three truly deserve and need.

To be a mother has changed me. Changed me for the worst because when I became a mother it also became the day I said goodbye to being a mother to my sweet girls, my first born.. But it's changed me for the better because when I became a mother, I never have felt  a love so deep, a love so raw, a love so powerful.

Alena & Jamie, you girls and your little brother are my life's worth, my reason for anything worthwhile. For you are all my blessings, my best work, my true miracles. For life is nothing without you , my life is nothing without you three.

Merry Christmas my beautiful angels,

I truly miss you, and I truly madly deeply love you ..

Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
 As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."

November 7.2014

Hey my love bugs,

I'm sorry I haven't wrote in so long . I'm just checking in tonight to tell you im always thinking of you, and always missing you. Not a day goes by my sweet baby girls.

I love you both so very very much.

Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be..."

October 28.2014

Hey my loves,

Your grandma and grandpa Roush are here visiting for a few days. Gonna be here to help daddy with some stuff around the house.

Daddy still needs a few prayers, I know you girls are looking out for him. Your little brother is growing so fast. I was just looking down on him the other day when we were sitting in his room and thinking about how big all of you would be right now.. How we will soon be at your 2nd birthday, and his 1st..

I love you my beautiful angels, I truly do. I miss you so very much, every single day.

Always & forever

Xoxo, mommy

" I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be.."